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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

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Re: Just joined
May 11, 2007
Thank you for writing me. I was feeling even lonelier after posting, reaching out for help and not getting any replies. I had a D&C one week after my miscarriage started and it is so hard. One can't overstate the trauma of the experience, and the days that follow, but it does get easier. I wanted to share a couple of things with you that I found so helpful. The first is that many of the nurses on the day of the procedure said "I know there are no words I can say" ... to comfort you, to make it hurt less, etc. That simple "there are no words" were the best words, because it is true. It is such an extremely personal and profound loss, and I started even telling myself, there are no words I can even tell myself, nothing anyone else can say to me to make it better, nothing I can say to them. I just need to get through it and accept love and care however it comes to me, and however I can figure out to give it to myself.

But here is a story I do hang on to a lot, one of my dearest friends went through years of fertility treatments and procedures and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks after IVF. Two months ago she gave birth to two big beautiful twin girls. And she is 38! She told me that one day while looking into the eyes of one of her daughters she felt she was looking into the soul of the girl she'd lost earlier. Maybe her little girl was just waiting for her sister. It occured to me that my baby isn't necessisarily gone forever, rather he/she is just waiting for the right body to be born in. For whatever reason, this particular body wasn't the right one, but he's waiting to come back again to me one day. My fiance has a big nose and he jokes maybe the baby was unhappy that his first attempt at a nose wasn't big enough.

I know I have days where one minute I want to be pregnant again immediately, and then less than five minutes later I'm filled with panic over the idea and can't imagine being intimate with my fiance. Part of the reason I think the grieving is so hard is because it is filled with so many contradictions, and what ifs.

I just try to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, trying to keep my eye on just the next thing in front of me instead of looking too far ahead or into the past. It is really so very soon for you, having just had the surgery. Please be gentle with yourself, and know that however you want to feel or behave is OK. You are not alone.
Re: Just joined
May 14, 2007
Hi there,

I am sooo sorry for your loss! I miscarried in December 06 at 17 weeks but my baby had died between 12 & 13 weeks, so i know that the grieving process takes time!

I thought that what you said bout your baby not being happy in the body that it was given, & waiting for the right one was sooo sweet :angel: When i lost my baby girl, i also had a similar thought to this & said to my DH that when we have a healthy baby..... does he think i'll see my lost daughter in her & that it could be her coming back for a second time around. My DH was extremely supportive & although he may not have agreed with my thoughts, he was sensitive to them & said that he is sure that our next born (healthy child) will have traits of what our lost daughter would have looked like & that we'd find comfort in that!

I was always worried & still am, that when i have a healthy baby, would i be caught up in the moment & be sooo happy or would i immediately look at him/her & think of what i lost & constantly think about what she would have looked like, what colour hair she would have had, what colour eyes etc??? But i now realise that i am always going to wonder that & so many ladies that had gone on to have healthy baby's after miscarriage told me that initially you are sooo caught up in the moment of joy with your new baby, that you enjoy every minute of it....... but they also said that the curiosity also sets in after the initial event of the birth, because it is just natural to wonder..... so that made me happier ;)

In regards to your fiance...... trying to pull you through this grief quicker may be his way of dealing with his grief also & he may think that "getting over it" quicker, so to speak is the right thing to do because then he doesn't have to deal with his feelings. Have you tried sitting down & talking with him & telling him that it is ok for him to have these feelings of loss & hurt too? I know that from the first moment, i talked to my DH & we just cried together & we even named our daughter quickly so that we could use her name when we spoke about her & that helped :angel: We spoke about her sooo much. I made it clear to my DH that this was his loss too & he needed to grieve & ask questions to me or the nurses & that i didn't want him to bottle up his feelings because of the fear of upsetting me...... so when he needed to ask me a question i listened & also encouraged it & the reason i think we pulled through it so strong is because we had eachother to lean on for support & i think that is the key ;)

I know sometimes it's easier said than done, but i hope you are coping as well as can be expected & i hope i haven't bored you too much with my post.

P.S - I liked your fiance's joke about the nose too :D

Take care & all the best, Crystal xoxoxox :wave:

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