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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Re: Just joined
May 11, 2007
Thank you for writing me. I was feeling even lonelier after posting, reaching out for help and not getting any replies. I had a D&C one week after my miscarriage started and it is so hard. One can't overstate the trauma of the experience, and the days that follow, but it does get easier. I wanted to share a couple of things with you that I found so helpful. The first is that many of the nurses on the day of the procedure said "I know there are no words I can say" ... to comfort you, to make it hurt less, etc. That simple "there are no words" were the best words, because it is true. It is such an extremely personal and profound loss, and I started even telling myself, there are no words I can even tell myself, nothing anyone else can say to me to make it better, nothing I can say to them. I just need to get through it and accept love and care however it comes to me, and however I can figure out to give it to myself.

But here is a story I do hang on to a lot, one of my dearest friends went through years of fertility treatments and procedures and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks after IVF. Two months ago she gave birth to two big beautiful twin girls. And she is 38! She told me that one day while looking into the eyes of one of her daughters she felt she was looking into the soul of the girl she'd lost earlier. Maybe her little girl was just waiting for her sister. It occured to me that my baby isn't necessisarily gone forever, rather he/she is just waiting for the right body to be born in. For whatever reason, this particular body wasn't the right one, but he's waiting to come back again to me one day. My fiance has a big nose and he jokes maybe the baby was unhappy that his first attempt at a nose wasn't big enough.

I know I have days where one minute I want to be pregnant again immediately, and then less than five minutes later I'm filled with panic over the idea and can't imagine being intimate with my fiance. Part of the reason I think the grieving is so hard is because it is filled with so many contradictions, and what ifs.

I just try to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, trying to keep my eye on just the next thing in front of me instead of looking too far ahead or into the past. It is really so very soon for you, having just had the surgery. Please be gentle with yourself, and know that however you want to feel or behave is OK. You are not alone.

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