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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Hi, I am 30 years old and my DH is 29. We've been ttc since June 2005. It took me a long time to get the nerve up to see someone about our trouble getting pregnant. We waited until we'd been ttc for 15 months (November 2006) before we saw an RE.

It turned out that my DH is completely healthy, but that I have ovulation problems. I was prescribed Clomid and started on 50 mg in March 2007. I wanted to start treatment with my January cycle, but we went out of the country to visit family for the whole of January. That was such a hard wait and my family kept hounding us about why we didn't have a baby yet.

The March treatment was not successful, so the Clomid dosage was raised to 100 mg for April. It worked. We were so happy. It was the first good news in a long time. I started feeling funny in May and my co-workers teased me about being pregnant. None of them knew that I had been trying, but it got me thinking.

By that time I had used so many OPK that I didn't realize that you read HPT differently. I took the HPT, but since both lines weren't the same color I thought that it meant that it was a BFN. I showed DH the test when he got home from work and he looked at me like I was crazy. He read and reread the instructions to me. It was a BFP, not matter the color of the lines. I had a blood test to confirm. I had never been so happy to be so wrong.

We scheduled our first U/S for what would've been wk 7 of the PG. There was a sac and he thought he saw a fetal pole, but there was no hb and nothing was measuring right for wk 7. We went back after a week and there wasn't any change. Sadly we were told that I was going to miscarry. That was June 7, 2007.

I opted for a natural miscarriage vs. a d&c. It happened on July 4th (which would've been wk 12). It was very painful. I actually went into a kind of labor and had contractions. I was never warned that it could happen that way, but have found since that many women have experienced similar miscarriages. I think I still would've decided to have a natural miscarriage even if I'd known that it could be that painful, but it would have been nice to just know. I don't think I would've been as panicky and scared and my DH could've known more what to do.

We had the miscarriage at home by ourselves. The placenta was a lot bigger than I was expecting. DH buried the remains in our backyard. I haven't been able to visit yet, but I'm comforted that I will be able to when I feel ready. I want to make a marker and plant flowers someday.

The doctor said that we have the ok to start ttc again after my AF starts again which should be really soon. DH really wants to start again and I do too, but I feel so emotionally drained. I was so sad for so long about not getting pg and then I was pg for such a short short time, but it made all the hardship worth it and now I'm not pg anymore and I feel like a part of me died and no one in my life understands - even DH...

I'm so afraid that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant I will lose the baby again. I'm afraid if I tell my friends and family all of this that they will judge me and say things that will make things worse. I feel like there's this wall between me and everyone else who has never had any of these problems. I walk around in the world and I feel like I have this secret weighing me down.

I want so much to be positive and hopeful, but it's so hard to find the light in all of this. I don't know how I'm supposed to be dealing with all of this. I want to cope in a healthy way- but what is that?

Thank you so much to whover takes the time to read this. It's nice to have a place to express my real feelings.


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