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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index


I am very sorry for your loss and all you have been through.

I understand the pain and anguish of having fertility problems just to discover the joyful feeling of finally being pregnant and thinking this was all meant to be and all the relief just to go through the confusion and despair of loosing the baby in the end.

In May of 2004 I discovered I was pregnant after TTC unsucsessfully for about 4 years. My husband and I had gotten some testing done and everything looked good so we never did anything as far as medications. I did the charting and OTK and temps and took some herbal supplements and hoped. I couldn't believe we both had similar stories with the pregnancy test, I too had been so used to the OTK. I took the HPT about 4 AM and watched both lines appear and it just didn't register. After a while I finally realized what I was looking at and went into shock!

Of course I was overjoyed to be preg. finally and told the world. I had a very difficult pregnancy with swelling, gest. diabetes, incredible weight gain, no health insurance, and lots of other aches and pains. All through it I said who cares at least I am preg and that in itself made me so happy. Anyone who can get preg easily will never understand this. Around 7-8 months I began having serious concerns about the baby not moving as much. My doctor insisted I was fine. I had 2 showers thrown for me and we got to work putting together a nursery.

Right after the new year in 2005 the morning of Jan 11 I did not feel the baby move. I was admitted to the hospital and they did some tests. HE had a heartbeat but was not showing movement. They did an emergency C-section and put me under general anesthesia. When I woke up from surgery they told me my baby "didn't make it." They had tried to revive him for an hour with no results. They could not get him to breathe. I was at 36 weeks just about 9 months into the pregnancy and my beautiful son was dead. HE was 5 pounds 5 oz and perfect. They still have not been able to give me a cause of death other than some oxygen problems with the placenta but do not know what caused it. Needless to say I was devestated, shocked horrified and deeply sad, lost and in complete despair. We had him cremated and sorry to say he is still with me in a little blue box I have not had the heart to part with him in any way yet such as scattering or burial.

I spent a lot of time fantasizing and wishing for things to have gone different. However I soon was able to focus my energy on getting preg again. I was terrified that I would not be able to that my only chance for a baby was gone forever. We waited one year to try again and went to a new doctor, got health insurance, saw a specialist and got the green light to try again. We got pregnant on our first try. I couldn't believe it how fast it happend. I was overcome with relief. I found out I was pregnant just a few days before the anniversary of my son's death. It was as if HE was giving us a gift.

My second pregnancy was very difficult, worse than the first . I had so much anxiety and the time seemed to go sooooo slowwww. I was somewhat depressed and very uncomfortable and always in pain. I counted the minutes until he would be born. I had to give myself shots and was seeing doctors/specialists 2x a week toward the end, I had like 4 dfifferent doctors.

Finally last summer on Aug. 16 my second son was born at almost 8 pounds. They did a C-section with him and we opted to deliver him 4 weeks early the same week (36) my first baby was born. No one wanted to take any chances. Other than 5 days of NICU my almost one year old is very very strong healthy and happy. After all I went through I ended up getting my tubes tied , I just could never put myself through any of it ever again.It was so ironic to want a baby for so long and TTC over and over and then get your tubes tied in the end. I never thought I could do something like that but I have been so traumatized mentally and physically.

My son will be an only child and it hurts sometimes I wish both the boys were here I would have a 2/12 year old and a one year old. My son is just a great perfect baby and I am so lucky to have him. He is just starting to walk, and is full of smiles and energy.

I wanted to share my story to let you and others know that subsequent pregnancy is possible after a loss. And that there are others out there who have gone through similar experiences. And to let you know how sorry I am and that the pain does get better with time as you move farther away from THE DATE, however it never goes away all togehter and the experience does change you forever. I wish you lots of luck and hope that there will be another pregnancy in your near future.

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