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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Hi Everyone

3 years ago on Tuesday January 11, 2005 I was told my firstborn son "didn't make it" after giving birth via emergency C-section. I woke up from the anesthesia to face the worse nightmare of my entire life. I can't believe he would be three years old today!

A quick summary, though some of you may remember me. I was 36 weeks along with my first after a fairly normal pregnancy. after 2 days of cramping and contraction like pain I woke up on that Tuesday morning and felt no movement. I wasn't overly concerned because I had for about 6 weeks been experienceing slowed movement which my doc said was normal. (but I was always worried about it, too stupid and naive to go get a second opinion) he checked me out and baby had a normal heartbeat but he was concerned about the lack of movement so sent me for tests at the hospital. After an entire afternoon of non stress tests there was no movement being recorded however since the baby's heart was beating they began to think maybe he was in distress and decided a STAT C-section was needed to get baby out and help him out. I was terrified but never thought anything negative would come of it. He was alive after all with beating heart!

When I came to, I was in pain initially and then when the pain numbed I began to ask for the baby. I wondered where he was. I was very groggy. My husband came and stood next to me and didn't look well. I asked again, "Where s the baby" and they said, "I'm sorry, he didn't make it." I was so weak from the anesthesia and surgery, I could barely talk, I was just in shock and disbelief, denial, etc. "What do you mean didn't make it" They went on to say he had not been breathing when he came out and they attemtped to resucitate for an hour with no sign of life. "He just wouldn't take a breath" they kept saying. AT that moment time stopped. I was sure all the clocks in the world just froze at that moment.

I don't have to tell you all what a heartwrenching and tragic time this was for me and my family. At the time I never thought my life would be normal again. I was so angry, sad, depressed, all of the emotions you can imagine.

I held my little guy 3 times, he was 5 lbs 5 oz, with big eyes, lots of dark brown hair, and absolutely perfect in every way. He had stitches sewing him up and tubes in his mouth initially. Later, I got him again without the tubes, but they had done an autopsy so I did not unwrap him from his clothes, hat and blanket, I didn't want to see where they had cut my precious baby up. AFter many years of trying for a child we felt so blessed to finally be pregnant and all for it to end.

It was pure hell, a time of my life so completely devoid of joy and hope. There was no light at the end of any tunnel just a long road ahead of recovering mentally and physically and all I saw was pain, suffering and a sad, bleak future. To make matters worse I ended up back in the hospital for 2 straight weeks after they found infected blood clots in my deep veins of my pelvis and legs. I ended up on antidepressants after that. (The same doctor who was my OB and negligent with my pregnancy initially diagnosed me with a flu (I went a week and half with high fever and severe lower body pain before taking myself to the hospital.)

The autopsy showed nothing wrong with my little boy, however the study of the placenta showed he suffered from hypoxia (oxgen deprivation) and list this as the cause of death. But no one could say how or why it happened. The report stated that this situation with the placenta called chorangiosis is often seen in women with hypertension and gestational diabetes. I did have the GD and also severe swelling in my whole body since about 4 months however despite all of this my doc seemed to take it all in stride. His attitude was "well women have been having babies for millions of years"

FAst forward 3 years and yes my life has returned to normal though emotionally I will never be the same and I am a different person now in many ways. More cautious, suspicious and paranoid, get hurt more easily, more sensitive, less happy go lucky and not the Positive thinking person I used to be. Mentally my brain has been in a fog, anxiety spells, bad memory, etc.

ON August 16 2006 I gave birth to my second son Owen Conor and he is now 16 months old. He is such a blessing and I am thankful for him every day. I never thought at the time of my loss that I would ever have another child. When I physically recovered from my ordeal which took about 3 months, I began to look toward my future and planning for my next child. We did a lot of research about what happened to me, spoke with specialist in a consult situation, moved to a bigger city to be near a hospital known for it's high risk prenatal specialists. I got some good health insurance, went off all my meds (anti-D and blood thinner) and we went for it. I got pregnant on the first try. WE found out 2 days before Patrick's first birthday/anniversary of his death. WE felt that Patrick had picked out his little brother for us and it was a very memorable time for us, a time of relief and once again for the first time, joy.

My pregnancy was carefully monitored, I had 3 doctors, an OB and 2 specialists. It was a high anxiety pregnancy, a few times I thought I would go out of my mind. I had to give myself shots of heparin in the belly 2x a day the entire pregnancy. I had to have another C-section which I dreaded and cried through. But when I heard the loud strong cry of my new baby, and I knew he was alive, I was the happiest person in the world.

I always try to do something special for Patrick every year on the internet but writing and posting somewhere about his story and my experiences and this year also offering condolences and hope to others who have lost their baby at any stage.

IT is very lonely and painful thing to go through, even with support, you still feel alone, because in the end, as a mother, you feel it is your own body that failed and you feel helpless to do anything.

But it does get better. For me going back to work was something I struggled with since I am a teacher and I thought being around kids was going to be hard. But it helped so much and was theraputic as far as getting me back into a routine and giving other things to focus on besides my own pathetic life. It brought me out of myself. I also focused on my health and tried to keep up all the good habits I had done while preg, such as eat right, take prenatals etc. I used visualization tecniques to focus on my next pregnancy. I spent much time over the first year seeking support. I talked about the baby and my situation with anyone who would listen, did support groups online and lots of message boards. WEnt to 2 support groups (not for me) Got a kitten (to bring some cheerful life into my house) moved, got a new job. My husband was an amazing source of support, he really held me together for awhile. My family and friends were beyond wonderful. REally made some positive changes, really kept up my health and excersise. REad a lot about grief and for awhile wrote to my baby every day ( I have stopped doing that) no time with a toddler underfoot!

Sorry this is so long and thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read it. All of you mommys no matter what stage you were at when you lost your baby, suffered a loss that has effected your life. Know that there are others out there who understand and wish you healing and hope. It does and will get better and many blessings are on the way for us all

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