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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


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I have another question. I'm almost 22 and Madilyn was my first child. I just lost her in December. A lot of my friends (5 friends) and cousins (3 cousins) who are all around my age are all pregnant and 5 of them are due in March when I was (two are even due the same exact day I was). My boss' wife is also due a couple days before I was. My very best friend who I work with and see almost on a daily basis found out she was pregnant not too long before I lost Madilyn. She's 15 weeks now. She had planned to give me a baby shower. Now since everything has happened it has been very hard for me. Especially since everyone is due in March. I'm a department manager at Wal Mart. Everyone knew I was pregnant and always was asking me about it and talking about it since my mom works there as well and most of the people I work with are my mom's age and have known me since I was about 2 years old. Now it's hard because when I go on breaks and stuff it used to be everyone talking about and asking about Madiliyn and now it's completely switched to my friend and her baby. I know people are excited about her having a baby and everything but it is extremely hard to listen to them and her as well. At work she talks about babies all day long and says things like, "Let's do something fun. Let's go look at baby stuff and clothes." She even sends me texts messages about what baby names I like the most for her baby. She also said she better have a girl and if she has a boy she will be very upset and cry. She was in a relationship with her boyfriend, but as soon as she got pregnant she broke up with him (not saying there is anything wrong with that). It's hard because she has told me that abortion crossed her mind and that if she could switch me places she would. I know she was just trying to be nice, but that really bothered me because having gone through what I have gone through I would never switch places with someone else. I wouldn't want anyone to go through it, but my baby is my baby and I couldn't believe she would even say that (maybe I am just taking it the wrong way). Now she is worried about who is going to give her a baby shower. That's all she has been talking about lately. I guess being her friend it is my duty. Is it wrong of me to not be up to giving her a baby shower? I'm just not sure. I love her and I truly am happy that she is having a baby, but I don't think people understand how hard it is to hear about other babies all day long. I know people always tell me that I'm so strong and that they wouldn't be able to manage and stuff. It kind of bothers me because yes I know I am a strong person, but it makes me feel like they think I'm not hurting about what happened or that I'm okay with it. They act like they would break down and not even be able to function and since I'm not doing that they think everything is okay. I don't know I guess I need some advice.
so it has almost been 3 months since i lost my baby madilyn. she would be due on march 10th but i had her on december 10th. i feel as if i am just getting more bitter. everyone always says, "oh time heals." i don't feel as if i will ever be fully healed. my best friend found out on friday that she was having a girl. she's 20 weeks now. we work together and she wouldn't tell anyone what she was having until she told me.. which i didn't get. i mean i really do not think people understand what i'm going through and how much i don't want to hear about other people's babies! i work at wal mart and i see enough customers come in with their babies. it's hard!

also one of my good friends from high school just had her baby and stopped to talk to me. i looked at her little baby girl and was extremely jealous. i know 6 people who are due in the month of march, 2 of my cousins, 2 people i went to high school with, 1 of my husband's friends and a girl i used to work with who i see on a regular basis oh and i guess one of my friend's sisters is pregnant too. not to mention all the other people i know who've already had their babies or are due in april and may! my ex boyfriend and my husband's ex girlfriend are both having babies as well.

i have now currently had two periods. i was really hoping i would be pregnant last month, but i was not. my period was 2 days late so i was very, very hopeful.. but nothing! then i went through a stage where i thought maybe i don't want a baby yet, maybe there was some reason that God didn't want me to have one. i know this is crazy thinking. but after seeing babies and hearing about babies i just feel sick and confused and very very scared! my boss' wife just had a baby and we got to hear about it in our morning meeting and i felt like bawling while he told everyone how wonderful she was doing and that they named her addilyn and it reminded me of madilyn and how all my coworkers oooed and aahhed about it while i just wanted to scream "THIS ISN'T FAIR!"

anyways i am supposed to have my period next week and am hoping maybe i will be pregnant. i'm just terrified because i know when you think about something or really want something it usually doesn't happen. but i don't know how to NOT think about it. i mean every second of every day it is what i am thinking about! i mean seriously it's either if i got pregnant now when would i have a baby.. and i think about madilyn and if i did something wrong and if it would happen again and how and when do you tell future children about your beautiful angel baby and i don't know it's just always always on my mind and especially the moment anyone mentions a baby or kids i feel an instant stab to my heart. i just try to act normal and i say i must do a good job because people at work just love to talk about my friend being pregnant! i know this is just a lot of ranting and i feel bad because what i hate the most is feeling sorry for myself but i absolutely do feel sorry for myself!
madilynsmommy,

I am sooo sorry for your loss :( I too lost my first baby, a little girl, Caitlyn at 17 weeks on December 9th 2006. I had a missed miscarriage & was given no answers as to what happened, which i was told was a good thing because otherwise it can get complicated if there was certain reasons for her death.

Congratulations on your pregnancy news & i'm wishing you all the luck in the world. Try to enjoy it, even though i know it's easier said than done, but like other posters have mentioned, it's in Gods hands anyway, so you might as well make the most of it & try to enjoy every minute.

DH & i were unsure on when to start trying again aswell, but we were just told 1 normal period (could be because i was a lot earlier on than you). So we waited one period & then started trying & tested when my second period was due, but i wasn't pregnant & i got a little disheartened. But then i realised..... this is my body's way of telling me it's just not ready! Then i too was asking myself how do i not think about it all the time...... but i just settled with that it will happen when my body is ready & that stressing about it will only delay it. So then we tried the following month & fell pregnant with my Beautiful little girl Isabella (now 18 months) who was due on 1st December (So 8 days before the 1 year anniversary of the loss of Caitlyn).

My angel baby was due on the 19th May & from the day i lost her to the day i fell pregnant i wondered how i would cope that day! But when i found out i was pregnant in February 2006, i had something positive to focus on. I'm not saying that i forgot about my angel baby..... it just made it bearable for me when that date came around, because i felt like my world was turning again & i wasn't still stuck in pause mode watching the rest of the world go round.

That was so hard feeling as though the rest of the world was still turning & i was in a glass box just watching it. All i wanted to be was a Mummy & had had that taken away from me, so the waiting to try again was so frustrating!

I coped well when Caitlyn's due date came around. I was about 3 months pregnant with Isabella & DH & i planted a frangipani tree that we were given by family friends when we lost our little girl. Then Isabella was born on the 29th November (2 days earlier than her expected due date), & everything went well. She is now a happy healthy 18 month old & we are currently trying for a little baby brother or sister for her :D So with Isabella's birth, that also made the 1 year anniversary of our loss easier to bear. Plus we were so busy. But we didn't (& never will) forget our Angel baby Caitlyn..... we take strength from the thought that she is up there looking down on us & protecting us.

As for your friend, for some reason she doesn't seem to understand how you're hurting & she does need to be told. Perhaps if you just have a heart to heart with her it might work. Those things she said are very inconsiderate of your feelings & i can't believe she said them to be honest..... but she sounds quite self-absorbed so she may not have even realised what she's doing/saying.

I also don't think you should be organising her baby shower for her, as you are just not ready at the moment. You need to focus on yourself & the new little life inside you ;) So while talking to her about what she's saying & how it affects you, maybe just tell her that you don't feel up to throwing her baby shower & that you have a bit to work through at the moment. But that's not to say you shouldn't go to the baby shower. That is entirely up to you & how you're feeling closer to the date. And who knows, now that you're pregnant again, you might decide you want to throw her a baby shower.

Anyhow, i could rant & rave all day, but i'd better cut it short[er] than u intended HAHHA. An idea would be to do something special for your baby Madilyn on her due date, perhaps plant a nice tree or bury a letter box in the garden for her! It helped me in my grieving process & moving forward with my life.

Also, your pregnancy WILL feel as though it's going sooo slowly, but once you give birth to your little bundle of joy, you'll wonder where the time went, so really enjoy being pregnant & use this special time for bonding with your little bean! Just try & think of the positives & the light at the end of the tunnell. It took me a while, but i can remember one day just waking up & thinking "I can see a happy ending now!". So lap it up sweety ;)

Goodluck with the remainder of your pregnancy & keep us all updated on the pregnancy board.

Numb Xx





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