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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

so it has almost been 3 months since i lost my baby madilyn. she would be due on march 10th but i had her on december 10th. i feel as if i am just getting more bitter. everyone always says, "oh time heals." i don't feel as if i will ever be fully healed. my best friend found out on friday that she was having a girl. she's 20 weeks now. we work together and she wouldn't tell anyone what she was having until she told me.. which i didn't get. i mean i really do not think people understand what i'm going through and how much i don't want to hear about other people's babies! i work at wal mart and i see enough customers come in with their babies. it's hard!

also one of my good friends from high school just had her baby and stopped to talk to me. i looked at her little baby girl and was extremely jealous. i know 6 people who are due in the month of march, 2 of my cousins, 2 people i went to high school with, 1 of my husband's friends and a girl i used to work with who i see on a regular basis oh and i guess one of my friend's sisters is pregnant too. not to mention all the other people i know who've already had their babies or are due in april and may! my ex boyfriend and my husband's ex girlfriend are both having babies as well.

i have now currently had two periods. i was really hoping i would be pregnant last month, but i was not. my period was 2 days late so i was very, very hopeful.. but nothing! then i went through a stage where i thought maybe i don't want a baby yet, maybe there was some reason that God didn't want me to have one. i know this is crazy thinking. but after seeing babies and hearing about babies i just feel sick and confused and very very scared! my boss' wife just had a baby and we got to hear about it in our morning meeting and i felt like bawling while he told everyone how wonderful she was doing and that they named her addilyn and it reminded me of madilyn and how all my coworkers oooed and aahhed about it while i just wanted to scream "THIS ISN'T FAIR!"

anyways i am supposed to have my period next week and am hoping maybe i will be pregnant. i'm just terrified because i know when you think about something or really want something it usually doesn't happen. but i don't know how to NOT think about it. i mean every second of every day it is what i am thinking about! i mean seriously it's either if i got pregnant now when would i have a baby.. and i think about madilyn and if i did something wrong and if it would happen again and how and when do you tell future children about your beautiful angel baby and i don't know it's just always always on my mind and especially the moment anyone mentions a baby or kids i feel an instant stab to my heart. i just try to act normal and i say i must do a good job because people at work just love to talk about my friend being pregnant! i know this is just a lot of ranting and i feel bad because what i hate the most is feeling sorry for myself but i absolutely do feel sorry for myself!
sorry i haven't posted anything for so long! i had my baby girl november 30th 2009.. it went great. she weighed 7 lbs 14 oz and was 20 1/4 inches long. we named her gemma kate. she is almost 4 months now! i love being a mommy! it is the best and i can't wait to have another one!

i had weekly doctor appointments starting at 23 weeks! it was crazy, but also kind of a relief to get to hear the heartbeat every week. i had 10 ultrasounds in all and lots of nonstress tests and biophysical profiles. i was induced 2 weeks early because my doctor didn't want me to wait any longer than i had to. my only request was that i didn't go over my due date.. i think i had a really good doctor! my epidural didn't work.. they tried 3 different times, but it really wasn't that bad! i was only in active labor for a short time and had gotten the epidural when i really didn't even need it! it would have been nice if it had worked when i hit about 8 cm though! but about 15 minutes later i was at a 10 and pushing so it didn't matter much! also not having an epidural made me push really hard because i wanted it to be over with! i only had to push 3 times! it was a great experience and i can't wait to get to do it again! it will be scary every time i go through a pregnancy but the end result is definitely worth it! i miss madilyn so much and after having gemma i know exactly what i missed out on and for a few weeks after having gemma it was bitter sweet.. especially since 10 days after gemma was born was madilyn's angelversary. i can't change what has happened. i can just live my life to the fullest and be thankful for all the wonderful things in my life. i will never forget about madilyn! there are definitely tough times, especially late at night when i can't help but cry. i don't know if this makes any sense but i am still thankful that god put her in my life because she is and will always be my first baby girl. i would never change the fact that my husband and i made her.. i wish things could have been different. i think about her every day and can't wait to see her again!

i tried to put some pics on here but it won't let me!

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