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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index


IUFD @ 19weeks
May 21, 2010
Hello everyone--I stumbled upon this board as I sit here at 1am, unable to sleep, desperately searching for answers.

I just recently had an IUFD (it's hard for me to use the word miscarriage for some reason) just over a week ago, Wed May 12. I was 19weeks exactly on that day. My pregnancy up until then had been a breeze--no morning sickness, no problems really at all, the only complaint I would make to people was feeling fat. My Quad screen had resulted in an elevated AFP, making me/baby at risk for a neural tube defect such as spina bifida, and we were referred to our local Maternal Fetal Medicine office. That is where we were, getting an US to check for anatomy when the US tech turned to me and said "I don't have good news...I don't see a heartbeat". My husband and I were absolutely devastated, to say the least. What seemed to make it all the worse was that the day before I had just been to my regular doctor appt where they'd found the heartbeat with the doppler and it had been normal, no problems. So somewhere in that 24hr window it just....went away. We had been hoping to find out the sex at that US, and that never happened due to the events that occurred.

They wanted me to go directly to the hospital to induce labor, but it was something I couldn't bring myself to do. I chose to have a surgical D&E performed, but had to wait 6days b/c the only doctor that did it was out of the office; I just had it done on Tuesday the 18.

The feelings and emotions that have been rioting through me in this last week and a half are just unreal, I feel like a zombie. I still don't know the sex of my baby; I am no yet prepared to know or to look at the footprints they did when they removed the baby. I know the sex is on a piece of paper in a folder laying downstairs, but I can't know just yet. I live in Pa., and the law here is that after 16weeks gestation, you are responsible for the remains. This was of course something else we weren't prepared to make a decision on; we chose cremation simply b/c we don't have strong beliefs, and it was all we could afford.

The Dr. thinks that what happened was a fetal blood vessel hemmorhaged. The only thing I can think is that I worked 4hours Tuesday night (as a nursing assistant) and did I do something there? Was it when I helped pull a patient up in bed that night? The Dr. and everyone else keeps telling me it's nothing I did or could have helped..but I can't stop thinking about it.

I can't sleep at night, all I do is lay and cry over the life I will never know, the little face I'll never see, cries I'll never hear. People keep trying to make me feel better by saying "you will someday, you will someday" but they don't understand...maybe and hopefully I WILL someday. But not with THIS baby.

I didn't mean to rant on for so long. I am I guess just looking for someone to talk to, or someone who can relate to what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. I'm still so raw..I can't ever imagine feeling "normal" again--but I know I will in time.

Thanks for listening...
Amber





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