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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


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On July 31, 2012 I was just going in for a regular appointment. I felt fine and thought everything was going great. I was just waiting around, anticipating the birth of my son Logan. When I went in they couldn't find his heartbeat, the utter panic that set in instantly was overwhelming. When the doctor finally came in to confirm my worst fears I nearly fell to the floor. I was alone at this appointment and my husband was more than an hour away. They attempted to let me call him but when I couldn't find the words to speak the nurse gave him the news. I sat there for a long time with my doctor trying to make sense of what was happening. I was trying to stay calm and wrap my head around the whole situation (and was doing pretty well), until he said, "you have to deliver." That was the last bit for me I lost all control at that point. They induced me the next afternoon. My entire pregnancy I dreaded labor and delivery, so the entire day I was terrified as well as an emotional wreck. I was in labor for about 10 hours. I delivered my beautiful baby boy at 9:50 p.m. on August 1st. He was 6lbs 5oz and 19inches long. The doctor that delivered said that after I delivered him and my placenta there was a lot of blood and she said that her first instinct was that I had a placental abruption/detachment. Now a few weeks later when she got the pathology report back she said that it seems that that was not the cause(or not the only factor, atleast). She's doing more blood tests to try and find some reasoning, but she doesnt seem hopeful.

I guess at this point the hardest part to deal with is that I feel that I did everything that I was supposed to do. I took everything they told me, did everything they told me and never missed an appointment. I even went in at the slightest sign of something wrong. However, everytime nothing was wrong. A week before he passed I had gone into the emergency room because I felt lack of movement. I was there for hours with them monitoring me and everything was fine, his heartbeat was good and finally I had felt him move. While I was there they told me that little movement was normally because they get into position to come out and they become very still. So his lack of movement I tried not to think about. Now I feel that I should have paniced. I should have demanded that they watch me more closely. I should have done something. Something...

It's hard to understand why my son was taken and it seems like at this point that I will never have a reason. I have lost all my faith in God at this point and feel that I will never regain it. How could he take me innocent little boy for what seems like no reason. My family keeps telling me that God has a plan, well he's an evil and cruel God then, and honestly I want nothing to do with him. My dad tells me that we all got a life lesson in how precious life is and he's right. I do think that if we decide to try again, which I think my husband and I will at some point, that it will make me a better mother because I will appreciate my children more. Maybe it will.

I want to say that for all you mothers out there that have gone through something similar, that I am so sorry for you. I wish the loss of a child on no one, not even people I hate. No one should have to feel this kind of pain. If you have other children be thankful for them and hold them and your significant other close because life is precious. If you've been through and/or are going through this you know this for a fact.
[QUOTE=sargent1209;5052087]On July 31, 2012 I was just going in for a regular appointment. I felt fine and thought everything was going great. I was just waiting around, anticipating the birth of my son Logan. When I went in they couldn't find his heartbeat, the utter panic that set in instantly was overwhelming. When the doctor finally came in to confirm my worst fears I nearly fell to the floor. I was alone at this appointment and my husband was more than an hour away. They attempted to let me call him but when I couldn't find the words to speak the nurse gave him the news. I sat there for a long time with my doctor trying to make sense of what was happening. I was trying to stay calm and wrap my head around the whole situation (and was doing pretty well), until he said, "you have to deliver." That was the last bit for me I lost all control at that point. They induced me the next afternoon. My entire pregnancy I dreaded labor and delivery, so the entire day I was terrified as well as an emotional wreck. I was in labor for about 10 hours. I delivered my beautiful baby boy at 9:50 p.m. on August 1st. He was 6lbs 5oz and 19inches long. The doctor that delivered said that after I delivered him and my placenta there was a lot of blood and she said that her first instinct was that I had a placental abruption/detachment. Now a few weeks later when she got the pathology report back she said that it seems that that was not the cause(or not the only factor, atleast). She's doing more blood tests to try and find some reasoning, but she doesnt seem hopeful.

I guess at this point the hardest part to deal with is that I feel that I did everything that I was supposed to do. I took everything they told me, did everything they told me and never missed an appointment. I even went in at the slightest sign of something wrong. However, everytime nothing was wrong. A week before he passed I had gone into the emergency room because I felt lack of movement. I was there for hours with them monitoring me and everything was fine, his heartbeat was good and finally I had felt him move. While I was there they told me that little movement was normally because they get into position to come out and they become very still. So his lack of movement I tried not to think about. Now I feel that I should have paniced. I should have demanded that they watch me more closely. I should have done something. Something...

It's hard to understand why my son was taken and it seems like at this point that I will never have a reason. I have lost all my faith in God at this point and feel that I will never regain it. How could he take me innocent little boy for what seems like no reason. My family keeps telling me that God has a plan, well he's an evil and cruel God then, and honestly I want nothing to do with him. My dad tells me that we all got a life lesson in how precious life is and he's right. I do think that if we decide to try again, which I think my husband and I will at some point, that it will make me a better mother because I will appreciate my children more. Maybe it will.

I want to say that for all you mothers out there that have gone through something similar, that I am so sorry for you. I wish the loss of a child on no one, not even people I hate. No one should have to feel this kind of pain. If you have other children be thankful for them and hold them and your significant other close because life is precious. If you've been through and/or are going through this you know this for a fact.[/QUOTE]

I never tried at having kids yet, but I do want a family someday. My girl talks about it a lot. Plus, the girl just loves kids, so I'm sure it will happen in the coming years. I just want to say how bad I feel about what you, and many others other have gone through. I think about this so much, and even the thought of losing my girl while she is in labor. It took me forever to find a good girlfriend and for something like that to happen would kill me inside. I know that what you have went through gave you the dislike you have for God, but I'm not going to tell you that things happen for a reason because I don't believe in all that when it comes to these situations. I just want you to not take it out on anyone because nobody knows if God had anything to do with you losing your baby. No, I know you love your son and that you want to see him as you should have while living, but don't push yourself from seeing your son by living your life mad at God. Use the fact that your son is in heaven and is waiting to see you, but you have to get there.





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