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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Hello Everybody,

I'm here for the first time, mostly to vent and share my anguish about my wife's family during a very difficult time for us. This will be long, so read only if you have the patience for it...

My wife and I have been together for over five years now. We had our religious wedding four years ago, and our legal wedding one and a half years ago. Last year we started trying for a baby for the first time seriously and it only took my wife 2-3 months to become pregnant. We were so happy. My wife's family was not as much. Part of it had to do with their concerns over her kidneys, as her left kidney has had troubles in the past, but mostly it was because they did not think she was mature or responsible enough to become a mother. It was all continuation of how they have treated her the whole time I've known her and clearly for her whole life. They constantly baby her and simultaneously admonish her for being unreliable. I can honestly say that I have been good for her in the regard that I respect her enough not to be afraid of trusting her and treating her like an adult.

Nevertheless, my wife was also verbally attacked by her very own sister for "selfishly stealing the spotlight" away from her own baby, who was born early last year. My sister-in-law has a real knack to make everything in the world about herself, as you'll see later on if you keep reading. None of this negative energy hampered our spirits to begin with, though, as the first trimester went very smoothly, and all our scans showed a healthy baby boy. We were happy about the prospect of becoming parents.

Unfortunately while this was all going on, my wife and I were having to stay at her mother's place since one cannot rent a flat nowadays without having a steady income. I needed a permanent job. I had a 2:1 from by Bachelor's Degree and a Merit from my Master's Degree but I just could not land a job anywhere. Luckily, my mother, who lives in Finland, volunteered to sell a spare flat she owned that she had been renting over the years. With that money, we were going to be able to pay for rent 6 months in advance, which is the only alternative when you do not have a steady income or a UK-based guarantor. Unfortunately, selling a flat does not happen overnight and my wife's little brother was making ultimatums to their mother that we had to be kicked out within weeks or else. I'm curious to know from all the women here if anybody has had their own brother wanting to kick them out to the streets whilst being pregnant. Why did he want to kick us out? Because we interfered with his freedom to waltz around naked in the house and his precious video game playing time. Not to mention my sister-in-law had convinced him that all our attempts to move out were lies, that in truth we had the money to move out if we wanted to but we were just too selfish to do so and were just leaching off their mother. Did I mention her love for baseless conspiracy theories?

There are so many complexities to this family that I could write a whole book about. Nevertheless, with the flat in Finland taking its time to sell and myself not having found a job yet, tensions were rising. My wife was over 30 weeks pregnant by this point, we were still living with her mother and begrudging brother. Even though her sister lived herself in a nice swanky flat with her own baby son and husband, she was also demanding my mother-in-law kick us out. Finally, though, I managed to secure an internship but it would still be three months before the job would become permanent. But one random morning, my brother-in-law announced to his mother that he was leaving and that he would only return once we had left. My wife was 32 weeks pregnant at this point.

We prayed and hoped that he was bluffing but it was midnight and he still had not returned. He called the house-phone eventually just to check if we were still there. While this was happening, my sister-in-law was shouting at both her mother and pregnant sister about how if her brother dies, it's all our fault. She then proceeded to calling her father, who was seldom around their childhood and had divorced from the family a long time ago, hoping to convince him to come kick us out. My wife was a complete and utter mess, crying to whole night out, fearing for her baby brother's safety.

Luckily it all backfired. In a completely unexpected twist, the usually distant, cheap and poor-excuse-for-a-father decided to get a loan for the needed amount of money to pay for a six month deposit. He then found his son at school the next morning and convinced him to stop the shenanigans. We immediately found a place to rent, we just needed to wait three weeks for it to become available. The next week, ironically, the flat in Finland sold, which meant I was going to be able to pay back my father-in-law quicker than anticipated. Everything seemed like it had been saved. We weren't kicked out, we were getting a place of our own, my brother-in-law didn't get hurt and my job prospects looked infinitely better. We truly believed in our hearts that everything was working out for the better. a routine scan at 34 weeks wife was told that there was no heartbeat. I had just finished work and I saw that I had 5 missed calls from my mother-in-law. I called her back only for my wife to answer and tell me the horrible news. The whole family went into shock. There was no petty fighting anymore, just sorrow throughout the whole family. I had to travel via public transport for 90 minutes before reaching the hospital. That's a really long time to be alone, thinking about something so unexpected and gut-wrenching. The whole family was there when I arrived, crying and hugging. I didn't allow myself time to grieve, I focused myself completely on looking after my wife. The thought of anybody having to give birth to their dead child is horrendous. That it had to happen to my own wife with our own child....was utterly unbearable. During the next three days we tried our best to support each other, I had to make a mad scramble to cancel orders on a whole host of baby stuff. Calling work and telling them that I needed a week off was difficult as well, even though my superiors were incredibly kind and understanding.

Labour itself went relatively smoothly and my wife gave birth to our dead son. He was so small and clearly malnourished. Her placenta was also in ordinarily small. We would later find out that my wife had most likely had preeclampsia, which according to the doctors had been caused by high blood pressure. This had cut off the placenta and as a result our baby starved to death in a span of 2 weeks.

At this point I wasn't connecting any dots yet and if I blamed anybody, it was God himself. I would later come to find that this was quite a normal response for many people to have. I grieved through anger, my wife through sorrow. The whole family started getting worried about why I had not shed even one tear yet. Truth be told, I desperately wanted to, I just didn't know how to.

Looking back, I cannot say with any certainty if the selfish actions of my in-laws were the catalysts for my wife losing our baby and even if so, to what extent. Even if it was just coincidence, I cannot forgive them for the way they treated my wife for about five months running and I must protect her better in the future. After all, if I had been successful earlier in getting employed, maybe this could have all been averted. But we can't change the past, only learn from it.

Today my wife is pregnant again, only five months after her highly traumatic stillbirth. It's very early in the pregnancy (7 weeks), so we can't be assured of anything. Last year, we were excited, this year, we are scared to death. At least this time we're better equipped in the sense that I have a steady job and a place to live in to begin with. Also, we bought a blood pressure monitor to keep constant track of my wife's blood pressure. She was advised by the doctor to also take aspirin every night to keep her blood pressure down.

What actually prompted me to write all of this was the fact that my sister-in-law, through an innocent accident, found out about my wife's pregnancy. And you know what she did?

She shouted at my wife again...

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