It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Cancer: Cervical & Ovarian Message Board

Cancer: Cervical & Ovarian Board Index

I keep having the same dream over and over again. Well, maybe not the same dream, but the same highlights. About once or twice a week I dream that I am pregnant. I am terrified upon discovering my pregnancy and know that I am not ready to bring a life into this world and successfully raise a child independently. In my dreams I struggle with this. I struggle with accepting the fact that I am pregnant. I struggle with telling my family and friends that I am pregnant and lying about not knowing the father to prevent him from being in the child’s life. I have always planned it this way. If I claim it was a one night stand then I don’t have to worry about having a father who doesn’t know what he is doing, especially if it is a person I do not see myself in a relationship with. To me, this is a perfect solution. In my dream I work up the courage of accepting the path that I am taking then…BAMMM! I have a miscarriage. I feel empty inside. I feel lost. I am depressed. I wake up after this and find myself holding my belly as if I am protecting the life that I feel should be inside. Upon awaking I am lost and confused and utterly heartbroken.
When the topic of children arises I adamantly insist that children are not for me. I tell people that I never want children. The truth is far from this. It is a mixture of insecurity of whether I would be a good mother and if I could ever find someone to love me enough to impregnate me. I also face the fear that my body will not allow me to become pregnant and if it does if it will allow me to carry a baby to a safe delivery.
What people do not know is that I once felt the need to become pregnant. My sophomore year of college I was diagnosed with CIN IV. (sarcoma in situ) My long term boyfriend at the time stood by me when I asked him if I was faced with the possibility of having a hysterectomy if he would impregnate me. We agreed that this should happen if this were the case. Fortunately this was not the case and a leep rid me of the cancerous cells.
Five years later I have had a string of abnormal pap smears and no luck obtaining a biopsy to see how invasive the abnormal cells are. In a month I go in for a surgery to dilate my cervix so that the doctor can get a biopsy. At the time of the biopsy they will determine if a leep is necessary or if another course of action is needed. I can’t help but to think that this is a direct relation to the recurrent dream I have been having.
To make matters worse I was watching the news as typing this and there was a special alert on HPV and men. The news reported that there is now a link in HPV in men and cancers of the throat and neck, particularly of the tonsils and the tongue.
This is my story so far. Does anyone else feel the need to share their stories of fear involved with HPV and cervical cancer?

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:28 PM.

© 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!