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Parenting Issues Message Board


Parenting Issues Board Index


I'm probably on the wrong side of the fence to be giving you advise, but figured I'd offer a few suggestions. My oldest sons father and I aren't together anymore. And at first, we had a hard time seeing eye to eye. Then we both got remarried- and we grew up. Okay- I grew up, he still is difficult His wife is actually real nice though. In fact, when I refer to her when my son and I talk about her-we both call her his mom Amy. How I explained it to my son, if you feel like she's a mom, you can call her mom- it won't bug me (but I have to admit-it did a little at first). But if you don't want to call her mom-you don't have to. Call her anything you want-but no cuss words.

One thing, I feel I must point out is that-although you love his daughter like your own, she's not your own. And bio mom probably feels threatened by your love for daughter. The thought of someone else trying to take her place (that is how she probably see's it)-probably crushes her. So, she tries to get you two fighting to get you out of the picture. Limiting his time with her is also limiting your time with her. Its not very mature, and it doesn't look out for the childs best interest (I've always told my ex he can spend as much time with son as he wants, as long as he lets me know ahead of time).

What you may want to try, is to call and talk to her- invite her to lunch. If she says no, try to talk to her on the phone. Tell her what a wonderful daughter she has, and how good of a job she has done raising her. If you give her some credit for being a single mom and trying, maybe she wont feel so threatened.

Also, I think alot of times the parent with primary custody will make alot of the decisions for the child. I do. But I don't do it out of spite, I do it because- in all reality- my son spends 93% of his time with me, I know what he needs, and I make sure he gets it. If he needs extra tutoring, he'll get extra tutoring. When he needed glasses, I got him glasses. When the teacher suggested he se a phsyciatrist, I took him to see one. When the psyc. said he needed meds for ADHD, I said okay and asked about non amphetamine meds. I didn't do it to exclude my ex- even though it may look that way- I did it because someone who was a qualified to tell me he needed it-told me he needed it. At first my ex was really upset about the glasses- so I got two more opinions from optical people, and one from a specialist (he was invited to go- but never did). He was still in doubt. So he took son to his optical person, and got his opinion. And like the other 4- he said he needed glasses too. Same thing with the ADHD. Ex got mad about the diagnosis, he actually went to see doc with us, never went again though. Then his wife informed him the meds son was on were the safest out for ADHD in her opinion also (she had been to college several years to be a pharmasist). He backed off some then. I guess what I'm trying to say is- when a parent has primary custody- I THINK we generally just automatically make the needed decision, because usually- we know more of whats going on with the child. They spend most of their time with us. We don't do it to be mean (at least I don't), its just habit. Your child has a need, you meet the need. You don't make them go with out. Please don't think Im a total ogre! I do discuss some issues with him- if its more a parenting thing and not a medical (sorry- I stick to my guns on whose certified to give medical opinions on my child- and although ex's hand writing is just as bad as a doctors-it doesn't make him a doctor).

If you and boyfriend want to start a life together, I say go for it! Remember, its not up to bio mom in that area. Also keep in mind, she'll only bug you if you let her bug you. And last but not least, smile and be nice. That's one thing I learned. Kindness is contagious. No matter how much you want to throttle her- just be nice. Laugh, smile, and joke with her. And when she doesn't get the reaction she wants-she'll lighten up.

Also, make sure there's a court order regarding parenting time. As well any other issues that need addressed.

AND Remember, with age-comes maturity....okay most of the time thats true (your talking to a 27 year old who tried to get a tomato fight going a few weeks ago-the other adults thought I'd lost my marbles!!!).

Thanks for listening.
Sorry for the rambling-once I start yacking, its hard to shut me up.
ladyshy :bouncing:





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