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Teens Drinking
Nov 29, 2004
Hi everyone...I'm hoping that there are other parents of teens out there who can help me out a little.

I've posted before about some difficulties I am having with my 16 year old daughter. Generally she's a great kid although lately she hs been testing her boundaries to the point of my losing almost all trust in her. I am very worried about her & hope someone could offer me advice on how to deal with what we are going through.

Recently we discovered that she was taking Staker 2's given to her at her job by an older coworker. They were the one's containing ephedra which are suppose to be no longer available on shelves in the dietary stores. She said she was taking them for extra energy when she needed it to perform at work. The job was a problem from the getgo with her wanting to hang out with college age coworkers etc. and attitude changes at home. Since we found out about the Stackers she is no longer working. She has promised to stay away form them. At the time we discovered that, she also admitted to trying weed at a party she attended but says that she would never do it again beause it scared her. We speak openly about drugs and alcohol at home and have since our kids were little because 2 of their uncles have been in & out of rehab tons of times for addiction problems and legal issues.

Saturday my daughter asked if she could have 5 of her friends over...close friends she has had since elementary school and who we always have seen as a good influence. She is an honor student as are these friends. We happen to be close friends with 3 of their parents. Well they came over & hung out in our playroom upstairs playing ping pong,air hockey, and the such. Doors wee slamming and things got a little loud and my husband & I took turns checking on things. When I went up I saw my daughter & two of her friends coming out of her closet. They left the room & when I looked in there were two shot glasses one of which was full and a bottle of vodka (absolute) 2/3's empty that we had received as a gift one week prior and hadn't touched.

I called my husband & we called each of the parents to come by & pick up their kid telling them briefly that a bottle of vodka had been taken & shared amongst them. We apologized to each parent as they picked up their child. I really feel we handled things diplomatically....the only time we said anything was when one of my daughter's friends shouted, "I really don't think this was such a big deal...we were drinking in a safe place and there's alot more heavy drinking going on out there" blah, blah, husband responded by telling her that she had no right to talk & that he knew that this was not the first incident for her (she had landed herself in the hospital after drinking while at volleyball camp) and that what they did was illegal and not acceptable in our home. Another friend went on to say how the liquor was within eyesight just inviting something like this to happen. We did have a turkey fry with all our friends and their families (in which he his family attended) the week prior to this and just returned from a vacation and hadn't put everything away. And we responded that we are not heavy drinkers & did have a social in which his family was invited and adults of drinking age were indeed drinking but that still did not warrant my daughter or her friends to steal alcohol whether it was right before their eyes or locked away.... that it was still wrong and we were not interested in excuses. I went on to say that I have perscription drugs laying around and trust that they will not be abused when someone is visiting my household. I also explained that I was most disapointed in my daughter that she would allow this to take place & supply the means of doing so in our home. daughter is grounded from everything for a month for what she has done....we had a long talk and reminded her of how she is predisposed to alcohol and durg abuse having a paternal grandfather who's a recovering alcoholic, a great grandmother who was an alcoholic as well as the two uncles that have ongoing drug/alcohol problems. She became scared when she heard about her grandfather having been an alcoholic...we did share this with her when she was young but she claims she didn't recall but went upstairs & gave us an empty rum bottle and told us of another stash and admitted to us that this wasn't her first time using alcohol.

Now I know teenage drinking is out there and am not naive enough to expect my kids never to experiment...but I was quite upset & disappointed that my daughter would take our liquor & have a party with her friends in her room while we're right there. It upsets me that she has taken Stackers, tried weed, and drank on numerous occasions and expects us to trust her. She has told us we're too strict...we let her go to houses of people we know and a general rule is that a parent must be home and each time we give her trust she breaks it. What are we to do???? I am sooo worried about her & the decisions she is making??? I believe we are good parents but I am embaressed now that other parents see what we are going through. Should I be??.....Goody
Re: Teens Drinking
May 30, 2005
Okay....sorry this is soo long but Goody really needs to vent.....and this is the part that I must say that I am not too proud of myself so brace yourself, my friend....

Anyway....later K. & I got into a heated discussion where she told me that she wished that she had a different mom, that I was always offering wonderful advice to others on Healthboards but didn't even know how to advise her own daughter (ouch) and that she was so sick & tired of hearing about how perfect I was as a kid and how good I was and that I must be a miserable person for not ever having done the things that are part of life and that she was so sorry that she was my daughter and so sick of hearing about all the good things that I did. It was then that I said something that I am not proud of...I told K. that I had no regrets in my life, that I could honestly say that for the most part I was always respectful of my parents and proud of the life that I have led, that unlike what she perceived, I was not perfect but for the most part was happy & proud of everything in my life with the exception of perhaps having her as a daughter who causes me such pain & unhappiness!!! Yes, Goody said that and as soon as the words left my mouth there was regret.....Tom was there as things escalated, he was as offended as me in terms of what K. had said and I walked inside the house and cried. All I could think of, Heartland, was how I felt so emotionally abused by my own daughter. Time & time again she says such hurtful things to me.....things that I don't think any other daughter could possibly say to their mom. I was devastated....not only for what she has said over the years to me to make me feel so terrible but most of all for saying what I did to her being an adult and having known better. She came in later & things seemed to get worse and she made excuses and told me to face it that she & I would never have a good relationship since we never have.....I told her that she had hurt me enough with her words and to please leave me alone.....that I knew that I was a good mom & that I was so sorry that she couldn't see me as so. At that point I had a little mental breakdown screaming that I would rather die than have her hurting me in such a way. I went a little crazy...I scared her with my behavior and it lasted 15 seconds or so and then we had both collapsed in tears at what had transpired, holding desperately onto one another as if our lives depended on it. Seeing how my actions had affected her I continued to hold her & told her how sorry I was, we both sobbed for what seemed like an eternity but was only minutes and I explained to her that I had never reacted that way in my entire life....that it was a little freaky for us both but that I was okay. The look in her eyes seemed to be saying "Oh my God, I have really driven my mom crazy". I said these thoughts outloud and told her that the emotions had taken over and that I had a mental moment but that I was as sane as sane could be but that I had had enough for one day and so had she. I asked her to please forgive me for my words & my actions and if I could ever take them back or rewind the events of the day so that they could be erased from her mind that I would. We calmed down....she poured a soda for each of us. We sat silently for a few minutes and then I asked K. if she would like to do what I had wanted to do with her before things had gotten so ugly between us. I had just started a book about a mom and her 2 teenage daughters, one of which was rebellious, and her determination to move from NY to South Carolina where she had been born & raised to help straighten out her daughter's life. K. didn't seem too intrigued at first but agreed to listen to me read a chapter to see if i could change her mind. She listened and it was not too long after that Tom walked in (he had taken my younger daughter's friend home) and K. and I finished the first chapter. Tom suggested that we watch a movie together and K. looked at me and said to Tom..."Mom & I just started this new book about you & E. watch the movie & mom and I continue upstairs with the book." She led me upstairs to my bed and told me that she thought the book was a great idea and that it really interested her. We read for over a few hours together alternating chapters and went to bed with apologies.

That night I prayed that God would show me a way to erase the damage that I may have caused with my words & actions. When I got up the next morning & went outside by the water, while reading my book, He showed me the way. It came to me so quickly and I wrote K. a letter sharing with her how I had prayed for a way in which I could erase yesterday's events from her memory. I shared with her the pain I had felt the time Tom & I were arguing and he had told me that he didn't love me. I told her how it took a long time for me to believe otherwise even though he assurred me that it ws untrue and wished that he could take the words back as I did with her....and that just writing about it brought back the pain of that moment. I went on to tell her how I believed that the words that I said yesterday could be just as painful to her. I shared how the only thing that allowed me to overcome it was when my friend told me after I cried on her shoulder for hours that she had to run & do something important. She told me how she needed to go home & apologize to her husband for having said the same thing to him but never realized just how painful it could be until she saw how much pain it had caused me.

I then told K. that she also had witnessed some abnormal behavior in me after an emotional moment much like the time when she had kicked her father where it counts during one of her moments and how it just went to show us how neither one of us is perfect. ;) I went on to tell her how the words I had said were as far from the truth as could be, in the sense that she was everything to me and that I loved her as close to how God loves an uncondional way, that no matter how many times she did wrong that I still loved her and always would. I read my letter to her and we hugged in tears & we spent the rest of the day reading our book together.

So....Goody took another ride on the rollercoaster and I must say, that this one was the scariest that I have been on yet. I know this is long and I must say that I am not proud of myself and some of what I have said & done this time around but I do know that my friend will still be there even when I am less than perfect. And I have no doubt that you will have something to say but evenso it just feels good writing it all down & knowing that you are there to listen. I did talk this over with MBF but really needed my cyberbest friend's opinion too. ;)

PS ~ I may need help with whether a punishment is in order. For nowTom & I told K. that she will no longer be left behind and Tom said that for now we will arrange "playdates" for her like we did when she was younger. And she was on Tom's working party al weekend long with barely any fun (other than the reading she did with her mom ;) ) Hmmmmm....what do you think????

Are we almost done with this rollercoaster ride???? I don't like it but as MBF reminded me today, just when I get off of this one I have another one to get on with my younger daughter :eek:

Thanks for listening.....Goody :wave:

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