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Re: Teens Drinking
Jan 6, 2005
Hey, Heartland....I appreciate your checking in with me....it seems so long since K's incident. I have come to realize that the next 5 years or so that we will need to chose our battles. Sometimes I find myself wondering if K and I will ever be friends...I'm trying so hard to let go but it's so difficult to do so once you lose trust. My good sense of humor I find is my strongest tool..I'm beginning to learn all her tricks of trying to make me feel bad with her comments like..."I can't wait to get out of here...." I laugh and say that I'm counting the days too but meanwhile we're stuck with each other so go get the load of laundry she didn't fold and put it in her drawers while she still has some :D

As far as her drinking, she did some research online about teenage drinking and drug use and put together two weeks worth of newspaper articles that involved drunk driving (figured I'd have her read about that since she wants so much to get that car of hers). Things have improved tremendously however, K is strongwilled and could argue a case better than any defense lawyer I have ever seen. Imagine your granddaughter making a remark on how she is only fighting for her rights :eek: :eek: I feel like she's talking like an abolitionist back during the Civil War period half the time :rolleyes:

She's really a good kid...her grades thank goodness are still great but I do worry about her uncertainty when it comes to college. She does want college and I feel if anyone needs to go away...she is certainly the one, however she has no idea what she would like to do. We have made various suggestions.....the only one she sees interested in is something to do with computer game software, and she has said that she would love to be a marine biologist working specificly with whales and dolphins but can't stand seeing sick animals and probably wouldn't be able to do it. Just recently she has said that she can't wait to go away to college just for the freedom to party...my heart dropped. Is this normal..it's as if it's her main priority in life :eek: :eek: I sometimes feel as if she is just testing her boundaries...Tom & I were just talking and are torn on what to do in terms of college...I say she needs to go away he seems to think she is better off at home where we can guide her. I feel somewhat the same but want her to have the independence she is fighting for. I went away and grew up so much by doing so and feel for a girl it is a must to be out on your own before settling down and getting married. My parents live in Pennsylvania, my brother in Delaware, my other in Charlotte as well as Tom's 2 sisters....I would like to point her in that direction so that she will be near family. Tom also feels that with the cost of college the way it is, have her begin here close to home until she really knows what she wants for a year or two. Tom has 2 brothers that are in their 40's both in & out of rehabs and I guess his worst fear is that K will end up like them..but I see K has pride in her grades and she has expressed how hard she has worked for them & wants more than the community college scene. And I tend to agree.

Heartland...you are a little more at an advantage here having been through this before...what do you think??? I feel I can ask you because you have wonderful insight into things and have held my hand through some tough times....I'm calling on you again, my friend, and anyone else here who with experience can lend me some advice.

Sorry I got too lengthy...somehow when you pop in here it's almost as if you sense my need for advice. I just realized in writing all this that perhaps Tom & I have sheltered K a little bit more than we should because of his family history of having an alcoholic dad and 2 brothers with alcohol/drug dependency although I think we are not much different than her friend's parents.....all I know is that I love her and hope that after all this is over that we will be friends....Goody :angel
Re: Teens Drinking
Aug 6, 2005
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, I couldnít get one thought out of my mind concerning K. I couldnít stop thinking about my friend who lost his college-aged son. His sonís friends frequently went out drinking and that is one of the most suspected causes for their car accident.[/QUOTE] I know how painful a day this was for you and remember quite vividly how you described their loss. It is every parent's nightmare and of great concern for me as well. I have deeply expressed this fear with K. and ways to preserve her safety such as caling for a ride anytime with no questions asked. When she gets her car we are going to sign a MADD contract. But I am not thoroughly convinced of her ability to reisist peer influences based upon her past performances. That is what I am struggling with the most. In regard to what she has shared with me she says that she already knows "vomit limit" and "inability to make decision" limit in drinking. :eek: Far more than I wanted to know as a mom.

I know it was a shock to you & I when I tried pot for the first time in my life and I see it as another good learning experience because I could see how quickly and totally unexpectedly it creeped up on you to incapacitate you from being able to drive. Our friends know Goody and often joke about my tolerance for alcohol. I can drink 3-4 Long Island Ice teas (not that I make a habit out of this :nono: ) and not even have a buzz. :eek: Champagne we all discovered to be my downfall....and I get silly from the bubbles everytime. :bouncing: However, with the pot I took 4-5 hits and it didn't affect me until almost 2 hours later. And it came in waves....one moment I was totally with it and the next I was giggling and so much more affected than alcohol. It scared me to think that people smoke & drive which may be even scarier than when drinking. As a learning experience this allows me the opportunity to discuss this with K. since she had admitted to smoking pot while staying at D.'s house.

I also recently spoke with my friend about how I discovered pot also had an aphrodesiac effect on me and how I feared that our girls would be placed in a compromising position if they smoked it in mixed company. She told me that it had that affect on her husband, P., but not her and that everyone reacts differently. We had a good laugh when I told her that P. & I should never be left in the same room smoking the stuff :D


[QUOTE=heartlandguy]High school seniors always seem to have something to prove and it seems that K. senses some danger real enough to want to avoid her longtime friends and pick new ones. I find that kind of thinking for someone her age to be quite unusual and actually very scary. If in your estimation, Kís biggest reason for not returning for her senior year is her existing friends, that is a very powerful statement.[/QUOTE] I agree but in speaking to K. she doesn't readily admit that to me as this being her most important reason (although both my brother & I are convinced that it is and she has admitted this to my brother but not as strongly to me) As you can see in her email to me, she does bring that up and this mother's instinct/intuition tells me that it is. And my instincts are quite good as my own mother pointed out to me on the phone last night. K. really wants to get into this school....that is her main motivation because she is convinced that her only real chance of that is of being an in state applicant. And balanced with that is her need for a fresh start to be able to do that.

One other thing that I thought you would find interesting is that my SIL shared with me how she feels that K.'s friend D. is her biggest problem and presents BIG red flags to them of all her friends. She doesn't even now D. but told me this and that D. has called K. everyday and K. is no longer accepting calls from her. I know that we both know that is a BIG sign that shouldn't be ignored. :angel: :angel:

[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Do you think K. envisions her friends doing something dangerous often enough, like drinking and driving, where she fears an accident? I ask because imagine how you would feel if you convinced K. to come back home for her senior year and then she became a victim of a serious accident caused primarily by a combination of peer pressure and experimentation. Please consider this carefully, my friend.[/QUOTE] Yes, Heartland, my instincts tell me that this is what is most motivating K. although she finds it difficult to readily admit it. In doing so she will be admitting her mistakes to me which as we both know is not easy for K. If she were to do as she wants here (avoid her friends) she would see herself as being friendless. Much less pain than starting anew in DE. Her chances are greater in that regard as well as securing a wonderful future for herself.
K. knows that W.M.'s senior year is a year of partying....every weekend is going house to house partying. Senior events consist of a prom night of camping out and drinking 24/7 and partying the summer away before college. K. tells me that te summer before college she wants to come out to CM and spend it only with us not her friends. I find that hard to believe but she tells me that is her plan.

My brother's last parent conference before this one regarding the car he expressed his deep fear of K. getting a car in NY and her needing to mature more. He came right out and said he deeply feared from what she had shared with him, that there would be a tregedy....the same that you & I fear.
And so this coupled with everything else has me feeling that letting K. go one year earlier than expected may in fact be the lifeline we need to give her in order to save her life. And what parent wouldn't make that sacrifice???

Tom is heartbroken about the idea, even moreso than I thought. He said he looks at it as some type of failure on his part. I assured him that it was the contrary, that somehow we had raised K. to march to the beat of her own drum, not an easy thing to do.

With your help and in talking to Tom and my mom, I am leaning more towards letting go & letting God. A difficult thing to do allowing even Him control over what I hold most precious, but as she came into the world I promised Him I would be willing to do so. And so I guess, I must live up to that promise.

Thanks, Heartland....I will keep you updated.....Goody





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