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Re: Teens Drinking
Mar 3, 2005
Heartland (Dorothy could use her Tinman right about now ;) )......

As you well know K. had lost alot of our trust a few months ago....and I have to say for the most part everything was going well. She started another job of once a week with options to increase her hours on vacations and weeks that would allow her to balance her school, SAT prep, GS Gold Award Project and social life. All has been going well and Tom and I have been trying to restore our trust of her. We would give her freedoms similiar to what her friends were reminding her that we were working on restoring turst with her.

In daily conversations she would blurt out statements to her sister like, "White wine tastes so much better than red" and "I got sick from drinking before" and "Oh I know all about joints, blunts and bongs" & of course I would react to her statements as a mother saying things such as "I thought we talked about the alcohol and drugs and how dad & I fear your getting mixed up with them." Her response would be...."that all happened when I was out of the house when staying at D's" Lately she has been going over to D's to watch her favorite programs etc. Last week D. was away for the weekend with another friend and she called K's cell and she was excitedly shouting into the phone to the point I could actually hear some bits of conversation in regard to what a great time they were having and how they got wasted etc. So when K. got off the phone I gently explained to her my concern of the road D. was choosing to follow and that I didn't want her being dragged down the same road. She told me my concerns were nill and that I overheard things wrongly and I just said that a little red light was going off in my head that told me that D. was going to be in trouble and I didn't want her getting involved with it. K's reaction was "I already drank, smoked but I haven't had sex like D. and you just have to learn to trust me." I said true and acknowleged that experimentation was normal but that in life you sometimes come to a crossroad where a friend is going one way and that you may have to go another in order to do what's right for yourself. This is all going on and yesterday she asked to go bike riding to Starbucks with different friends her age that use to work at the Bagel store (her old job where she got the stackers) and had followed her to her other job she now works. They are her age....not the college age kids that I had a problem with and whom I know well and I okayed it. She went and the day progressed and just after dinner Tom had announced that K. wanted to discuss something in an adult manner with us. I immediately sensed a problem and said so...but they both reassurred me that it was just something she needed to discuss. K. went on to say how she was unhappy with her new job, that she worked on a weekend night which didn't allow her to see her friends, that it was hot (she has a history of fainting spells like her mom and had fainted at her job once) etc; I immediately knew what this was all leading up to and I know as my friend you do too ;) ....and I allowed her to go on. I told her that her dad and I understood and that as far as we were concerned she didn't have to work a job and that she could gve the appropriate notice at anytime. Whether she wanted another job was up to her but she would have to stick by what we had agreed upon. She said that she wanted to go back to the bagel store...that she loved that job blah, blah, blah. I said there was no way she would go back allowed illegal drugs to be dispersed and hired sexual predators and was not the place I wanted her in. Our voices rose it got emotional and Tom went to an adjacent room to have a cigarette where he could still hear the conversation that was slowly getting out of control. :nono:

Heartland.....that place she wanted to go back to triggered a strong maternal response in me that had me going's where all the problems started and I shared that with K. And she went on how she was going to get a job there anyway...that we couldn't stop her, and that it is a proven fact that kids that have strict parents rebell and theatened if we didn't allow her that she would go do drugs and drink and whatever she wanted to and that we couldn't stop her. I told her that in the end that was her choice and that she would only be hurting herself even though she thought it would be a way to hurt or get back at us. Tom agreed as he walked through the kitchen to his recliner in front of the TV. :nono: K. & I continued on...he could hear the whole thing from where he was but emotions were runnng high and K. went on to say, "I'm going to guidance and dropping all my AP courses I just scheduled for next year...and I will do all the drugs and drinking I want there's no one to stop me", and I blurted out, "I would rather take a gun to your head before you go onto a slow death like your uncles have...I love you that much." (I know not the smartest thing to say but it just came out ;) ) Tom shouted from the other room to put it to rest and yelled to our daughter how he had promised in the car to have a discussion, that the bagel store was a no and that we would be up for further discussion if & when another job came to her mind. K. stomped off next door...we had promised her that she could go see D's new dog after dinner and while she was gone I calmly told Tom that I disliked the times he puts me in as the bad cop and he is seen by our daughters as the good cop and tonite I felt as if he had left me on the battlefield all alone with very little ammunition while he went AWOL on me. He told me he interjected when he needed but I pointed out how he had physically abandoned the situation when the going got tough. He apologized and said he would discuss it further with K. but I told him in doing so after the fact it only made me out to be the bad cop again and not to do so but to not do that again. He agreed. I then came to the board to your post....half able to comprehend what exactly it was saying....just skimming through but feeling totally disconnected from you and what you were trying to say but what seemed to be coming through was a coldness, retrieval, no smiley's to help me out along the way (the only signs that Hitch would say are your most important display of what you are trying to communicate :D ) At that moment Tom asked me to join him on a snowmobile ride (a peace offering) and then the phone rang. My best friend asking me what was wrong and me bursting out in tears and Tom waving goodbye understanding my need to talk to my friend. friend there in my time of need but feeling as if my other best friend was upset with me (I know a total misinterpretation on my part but I need the smileys ) My friend served her purpose in calming me down and I shared a little of my concern about losing you....she had been a contributing factor to my questions I asked of you, the same ones I wanted answered n order to help you, but she had a need in knowing the answers too. And I shared with her that I couldn't use you in anyway to gather info for her,....that you meant too much to me and that what we shared was as special as her friendship was to me. I felt this enormous need to protect you which was a first for me. ;) She explained how she still didn't want me sharing personal stuff, I respected her request but told her at the same time I couldn't gather info for her and to not ask me to do so...the only thing she did ask of me the enire time was to ask the questions I posed to you yesterday which I knew I needed to know for myself in order to help you. I promised her I would ask them when I saw the right opportunity. Last night I felt the need to tell her I couldn't act on her behalf unless I could be honest with you in telling you that she had knowledge of the thread and allow you to decide how to go from there. My friend agreed that this would best and so I did. In doing so I was soooo afraid that I would lose you as a friend....I knew that I was doing the right thing but I was soooo afraid of losing something very special if you were to misinterpret anything. I must admit that as i seee how things have unfolded it is more in the Master Plan than I originally thought Anyway....I feel better seeing that it was my emotions gettting the better of me....sorry, Heartland for doubting you and His role in it all. Please forgive me for my weakness in not trusting your friendship as I ought to

And so....I have left you with alot to chew on....K. & I spoke briefly before she went to bed....I apologized for the way the discussion went and told her that our decsion still stood in regard to her returning to the bagel job and that we would assist her in finding another one. I am more at peace but it wasn't until you held my hand once again that I felt safe....thanks for that.....Goody

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