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This is a tough situation for me.... my mom used to read my notes, email, diary, etc ALL the time. All it did when she confronted me with issues was make me hide my activities even more. I felt violated and mistrusted and it really damaged our communication lines. But I'm a parent now, and can see things from the "other side" too, so it's hard to say where I stand on this.

I would crack down on having friends over with noone home, and lock up the liquor. (I experimented with a tiny bit of alcohol at that age. I don't see it as that big of a deal) What you don't want to do with the alcohol is make such a huge deal out of it that it adds mystery and excitement to drinking, or she'll go nuts drinking the minute she has freedom outside your house. (Like in college. Take it from me!!) I too was raised in a Christian regular churchgoing family, and am raising that type of family myself, but in the teen years, pushing them too hard and expecting too much can make them rebel even more. I would no doubt begin to really open up communication lines, remind her of morals and how important it is to save herself because she's special. Alot of girls begin making out at that age out of a low self image (just comes with the age!) and trying to find acceptance. It doesn't take long to figure out how to make a guy like you, and you feel really "cool" for a while. And if she regrets it, maybe she's learned her lesson! I don't know that that incident requires punishment. Sometimes shame and guilt is punishement enough. As far as the babysitting issue, I don't know what to tell you, because that was a cardinal rule in my code of ethics at that age that I never broke. I would never have had someone over while I was babysitting. But if you "casually" bring up not having people over, I think she will be suspicious and know you have probably read her diary. (My mom tried that one a few times too, and I always knew there was something more to it.)

But if she suspects you have been reading her diary, she's very likely to become more subversive and more rebellious. It's a delicate situation, because you don't want to condone her behavior. Maybe you should just watch her extra closely from now on, and see if she's learned from her own mistakes. At her age, nothing short of restricting her to your supervision 100% of the time is going to guarantee she doesn't experiment, and even then kids have ways sneaking at school, etc.

We are planning on sending our kids to a private school anyway because I despise the type of sex education they are exposed to in public schools. I want to be 100% responsible for teaching my kids about sex. The only thing I want the school to handle is the physiology of reproduction.

Good luck and God Bless!
[QUOTE=GirlHarley]


You can tuck that diary back where you found it and not say a word.
BUT at least YOU KNOW, then you can continue to read it - that's right, I would keep reading and snooping her room...Sorry again, but it's YOUR HOUSE, your room, and your kid....You wanna keep kids safe today - talk talk talk - and SPY...[/QUOTE]

I agree with that quote... I think the trick is (My DH's philosophy for the teen years and what his parents did to him, unbeknowst to him!) to make sure you don't blow your cover over things that aren't super important to you, because if you do, you will never get your hands on that diary again. LOL. That's where my mom went wrong. She was always confronting me about the smallest of issues, until I made sure she had NO access to my life and shut her out completely. (Not that I ever did anything in highschool that would be considered bad by todays standards.) Where my DH's parents spied on him for years, and found things like cigarettes, dirty mags, and evidence of him making out with girls and drinking a little... but they weren't about to blow their cover over these more minor typical teenage things. They were out to make sure they didn't find drugs or proof of illegal or dangerous behavior. He didn't know about any of that til just a few years ago, as a result, he was always careless about leaving things in his room where they could be found.

Am I making any sense here?

It's so hard when you want your children to become moral wholesome young adults, but there comes an age where you have to trust your parenting and allow the kids to make some decisions of their own. Some kids only learn the hard way. My mother tried to prevent me from making mistakes by being overly restrictive. All that did was cause me to move out as soon as I could and go nuts drinking and making out in college. Even so, keep faith in the morals you have instilled in her.

I was doing things that were contrary to everything I'd ever been tought by my parents and my church about 3 or 4 years ago. But you know what? I knew the whole time they were wrong and I learned alot from my mistakes. Some of them have left me scarred and regretful, but they also left a lasting impression and made me realize that my mother had always been right!! I turned out just fine because I was raised the right way. Have faith in your parenting and in God. Keep a very close eye on her activities, and hold on tight for the next few years!!!
I'm not a parent, But I was 14, only 4 years ago. And honestly you sound ALOT like my mom.

I'm trying to think how to word this so I don't come across wrong, hummm...

I'll tell you some about my childhood. I had no privacy, my mom would openly read my diary, even with a lock on it, and say "you'd make a good writer." Today, me and her still don't get along. I've lived with her 6 months of the last 4 years. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me wonderfully, but to her I shouldn't even have a boyfriend, let alone the fact that he is 5 years older than myself. But her and my dad are 4 years apart in age. She is very judgemental, and says that I can talk to her about anything, but in reality it will as always turn into a lecture and whatever I tell her will come back on me. In the 6 months I lived with her, I told her about a friend of mine, who was making some bad choices in life, and sure enough, when I went to go see a movie with this friend, it came back to haunt me. she ultimatly kicked me out because I was hanging out with this girl. I can't talk to her, I can't trust her, and she has no idea why.

14 is a very confusing age [I think 12-14 is the worse ages, really awkward]. I put on a "happy face" in front of many people, even the ones I loved and cared about. Reading her diary and telling her about and punishing her [not allowing her to hang out with theses "kissing buddy's", sending her to a private school, etc] doesn't resolve the fact that she is unhappy. How many girls can honestly say, they didn't want a mother in there lives, and to talk to and have a relationship with.

I didn't drink [or mix drinks], or make out with guys, or girls. In fact I didn't do anything. I spent my time up in a tree, in my backyard. It was the only place I could escape from reality.

Personally, being 14 in recent times [hehe], it wont help punishing her for kissing a girl, yes it is wrong. Doing some of what she's done with guys from her diary are wrong. But, it happens every day at school, on TV, in the real world out there. Its a harsh world, and as much as you want to protect her, you *HAVE* to give her *SOME* freedom, you *HAVE* to let her learn for herself. More than likely she is just "Experimenting" with kissing girls.

You read, that she is having boys/friends over while "babysitting" her brothers. Well, maybe enforcing no friends over, come home earlier than expected, and catch her. Then you have an excuse. I mean, its evil to set her up, but! As for mixing drinks, either get rid of the liquor, or lock it up.

Maybe going the route of family therapy would be a good thing. An intermediate person. I wouldn't though punish her for some of the behavior in the diary. It will only cause more problems. I think family therapy would be a good idea, vs having a big blow up at home and more problems. Tell her you love her or go do something just you and her, try to open up opportunities to talk to her at the least! And when she does, don't bash her. More than likely if she left it in a place where you could find it, instead of hidden in her room, says she wants to talk to you but is scared, or feels like she can't.

Just my opinion take it or leave it!
Hi... i really dont think you should tell her that you read her diary. Then she will think that she can't trust you anymore and start turning her back on you. I had a diary and my mom read it and she told me and i really disliked her for it for a very long time and i felt that i couldn't trust her. I also think that her kissing her friends was just to experiment, because that's what a lot of teenagers do(experiment). But, if your daughter is smart which im sure she is, and you say she is, then i'm sure she will make the right choices. I do think that you should lock up the liqour because like i said, teens like to experiment. I think that her making out with a boy is a learning situation like you probably had when you were younger too. You have to give her a chance to make her own mistakes and learn from them. I disagree putting her into a different/private school because it may be hard for her to lose her good friends now and make new ones. Seeing how she is 14 she probably has some very good friends that she new since she was little and i'd say that they are the ones she wants to be with through her troubles. But moving her to a different school may be very hard for her because then she has to make new relationships and she may turn to drugs/drinking because of the pressure at her new school. Well i hope everything works out.
Wishing you luck
Thumbelina*
I'm 19 and I consider myself to be a very responsible person but like everyone else, I have my problems too. My mom read my journal about 3 years ago... and found more than she wanted to know as well. Without going into details - I'll just say that I have some mental health issues.

Take it from someone who was there not too long ago. If you haven't already, don't tell her that you read her diary. If she is writing - she has an outlet for whatever good and bad things going on in her life. (You said she has some sad poems and possibly some regret about doing things with a guy). If she finds out that you read it, chances are she'll stop writing... and losing that writing outlet - for me - was one of the worst things that happened to me. I still resent that my mom read my journal... and it took me a very long time to be able to write again. And I didn't have anyone to go to. If she wants to go to therapy - LET HER!

I went to private school for 9 years. It did not protect me from anything ordinary. I think my parents' reasoning behind that was protecting me from the improper sex ed from public schools - truth is - I already knew about sex long before they sent me to private school. There were still plenty of girls who slept around and druggies and kids making bad decisions all over private schools. Private school most likely wont fix anything. It might be change the scenery but if she has self esteem issues, private school wont fix that.

Like "Noliving" said... If she ever ends up at a party, in the wrong situation, drunk or WHATEVER happens - let her know that you'll pick her up if she needs you. My parents reminded me of that more than a few times. Though I've never needed that exit, I'm glad they they've always been willing to do that for me (and they still are willing - though I've made the decision not to drink).

Don't become overprotective. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders.
[QUOTE=DawnP]I don't know where to begin.

Saturday night, as I was putting something away in the computer desk drawer, I spotted a notebook. The temptation was too great - I read my daughter's diary. It had maybe 10 or so entries.

My daughter has always been well behaved, good grades etc etc. She's smart, sensitive, and attractive. She has always listened to direction and caused us little trouble.

I am fairly strict but not suffocating. My husband is somewhat difficult. He's not very sensitive to people's feeling sometimes and has a hard time in the past few years relating to our daughter. I do think lately he has been better with her - she even said so. He's been talking to her much more. He is a responsible man though and spends a lot of time with us. We have two boys with ADHD so our home has been stressful. They require so much energy. I am a loving mother but I am not perfect. I especially get stressed out with the boys. I try to spend quality time with my daughter. I take her shopping, talk to her, drive her to activities, and share with her some of my youth experiences to help her. I go to Church and she is active in the youth group/sunday school. It's a fantastic program that really works on living a wholesome life including abstinence. We casually drink in our home but not to excess. We do love her and tell her so.

I don't even know how to say what I read. I'll just say it.
Her diary indicated three things. One, when she babysat her brothers for us, she had a boy over and did some heavy petting. Two, another time, she mixed a vodka and lemonade while she was babysitting. Three, she's "made out" with 2 of her girlfriends. This happened right in my own home during her birthday sleepover.

She said in her diary that she wasn't bisexual, that it was just fun. She also said that she knew that drinking the vodka lemonade was wrong. I believe she regrets the incident with the boy as she said in the diary that she didn't want anyone to know.

We live in a beautiful town, have a beautiful home. Unfortunately, this affluent town has a lot of teen drinking/drugs. I talk to her all the time about not drinking, doing drugs, respecting herself etc etc etc.

She has been very emotional lately so I guess i now know why.

It just so happens that she is away on a church trip so my husband and I have a chance to think this though before talking to her.

(1) We plan to remove her access to these girls - cell phone/computer.

(2) There will be no more parties/sleepovers and our liquor will be locked up.

(3) Her only outside activites will be church youth group and family.

(3) Get her a therapist -immediately. I told my husband that this will probably
include family therapy.
(4) We are thinking of sending her to a private high school.

How do I tell her I read her diary? I NEVER snoop in her room or anything.

Do we tell the other girls parents about the making out? I hesitate on this as I know how these girls are going to be angry with her at school. I feel she is already tormented and I don't want her to go into depression.

I know that this child is looking for something and that she's not "bad" person. I really think she's a good person. She is considerate and sensitive towards others.

Our children today are so sexualized. They are bombarded with images. I have tried to teach her to be wholesome, as I am wholesome, but it obviously hasn't worked. I guess it doesn't matter how it happened, but rather, how to help her now.

I would appreciate any advice. Thank you.[/QUOTE]



Ok.. let me say that if you don't let her find out about herself you are going to do more damage than you can ever possibly imagine..

My wife is Bi and her family was extreme homophobes and constantly preaching at her..

Anything that wasn't holy and pure, was evil.. That really messes with a kid's head.

If I were in your situation (which I will prolly be I have two kids), I'd go to the therapy before making my kids go..

I'd would make sure my motives were good FOR THEM FIRST and not just damage control for your social status and standing in church..

It sounds like you have done a pretty good job of being a parent. I commend you for that, but this very well could turn into a fatal mistake on your part.

My wife has been in therapy for a while now, cause she feels suicidal cause she hears her mom and dad saying that she is evil and unclean..

So please take my advice and get some professional input BEFORE distroying your daughter..
[QUOTE=veggigoddess]You try to instill these ridiculous rules and restriction you'll have one out of control daughter on your hands or a very unhappy daughter that will naturally end up hating you.[/QUOTE]

Or end up a well disciplined, well adjusted, level headed woman! You should hear some stories from my teen years. My mom was unbelievably strict, and I hated her for it at times. But now I thank her because I look at other kids who were raised by overly permissive parents and they are at such an incredible disadvantage in the real world. She went quite a bit overboard with some things, and there are things that I will do differently with my kids. But you know what? I was never "out of control" or "very unhappy" even though I deserved more leniance than I was given. And lest you think I'm old and out of touch, I'm only 23. I'm so glad my mom expected alot of me! It is NOT a parent's job to be a kid's friend, peer, or equal. It is not a parent's job to treat a kid like an adult. It is a parent's job to know better than the kid and make sure you implement all those things into the kid's life. A 14 year old isn't always capable of making wise decisions. That's what parents are for!!
[QUOTE=siren1024]Or end up a well disciplined, well adjusted, level headed woman! You should hear some stories from my teen years. My mom was unbelievably strict, and I hated her for it at times. But now I thank her because I look at other kids who were raised by overly permissive parents and they are at such an incredible disadvantage in the real world. She went quite a bit overboard with some things, and there are things that I will do differently with my kids. But you know what? I was never "out of control" or "very unhappy" even though I deserved more leniance than I was given. And lest you think I'm old and out of touch, I'm only 23. I'm so glad my mom expected alot of me! It is NOT a parent's job to be a kid's friend, peer, or equal. It is not a parent's job to treat a kid like an adult. It is a parent's job to know better than the kid and make sure you implement all those things into the kid's life. A 14 year old isn't always capable of making wise decisions. That's what parents are for!![/QUOTE]

You might have been raised my strict parents, I was too when I lived at home, but you can't deny that back in the day you drank when you were younger, or that you kissed a boy (the girls aren't really my thing, but maybe the poor girl is unsure of her sexuality. It's definetly not wrong to be a bi or homosexual). It may not be the parents job to be a kids friend, peer, or equal, but it is a parents job to make sure their child doesn't become depressed or maybe even suicidal. I know a few people in high school with rules like these (including me) who commited suicide or who was extremely depressed. You say that she should do what is best for her daughter, if that means making her unhappy duing her teen years ("the best years of her life"), then sure - just give her the knife.
I guess everyone has their opinions, and I'm not saying I do not respect yours or the person who posted this post... I'm just saying that those rules are really tough for a teen to deal with, and if anyone expects them to work - they def. need a reality check.
Im not sure how old she is I might of missed it in the post but I also think its a bit harsh.teens are going to do things we dont like if you forbid her from doing things she will just do them anyways out of spite even. Lock up the liqure for sure. limit the parties too or staying out late ect. Dont tell her you read her diary though. Although im 30 now looking back on it I would of freaked if my mom read mine and im sure mine was worse than hers. I tured out fine no drugs,jail ect. Kids experiment with things though. im sure about the making out with girls cause I dont agree with that at all. I might would talk with her about her sexuality and the girls cause if it were me that would be the main thing bothering me. I know it may be hard but talk to her about bc ask her if she needs it. it may sound like if you do that your condoning it but I dont think so. Better safe than sorry if shes going to do it anyways. I grew up supported as a teen I drank some of course my parents didnt like it but they felt better knowing I wasnt out with friends driving around and drinking. So being supportive helps alot.You dont want her to be afraid of talking to you about these things. This is just all IMO.

Good luck. I also think you had a good idea about getting her involved in more church activities that would be great.
I was not going to reply to this, but the more I read the more I have to. First of all, you would not know anything had you not invaded her diary. She may not tell you what she is doing because she fears your reaction. You say you have a strict household, and your husband is a tough person too I think rather then take her friends away, and all communication with them, not letting her go to camp etc..etc...etc... that you should see this as an opportunity to loosen yourself up a little. I only say this, because, my mom read my diary... she even made copies of it. Needless to say, me and my mom had no relationship when I was growing up. If my mom knew HALF the things I did, she would drop dead in her tracks. However, because my mom chose to try and take things away from me, to prevent me from doing the things she did know, I became very sneaky. I tried alchohol once, didnt like it, swore I would never do it again (all to my diary) then!!! she read it, punished me for it, I went out ever weekend got drunk, and with out her being there every time I would pop the top on a new drink, I would litterally say, "stop me if you can, this ones for you" that sounds horrible I know, but its true. As far as her experimenting with other girls. What are you going to do if in a couple of years, she comes up to you and says, Mom I think I am a lesbian. It may be against your religion, you may not want to except that, you may want to ask her if she has completely gone brainless, but, ones sexuality is ones choice. and she may have some really weird feelings going on that she needs to talk to YOU about, before you drag it out infront of a counselor I would try that approach.
When I first started getting really interested in boys, I was 14, I lost my virginity as 15, because I wanted out of my moms house, I didnt feel comfortable there, I was grounded all the time, I was punished for every little thing I did. So.... all in all I am 25 years old, I have 3 kids, I have an 8 year old son, a 5 year old Daughter and a 15 month old son. I am not the permiscuous little person that my mother would like to think I am, she thinks to this day, that I have been with many many many people, but it is not true. I have kissed a lot of guys, but I have only been with a few.
I know it is a hard blow when you find out that your child is not exactly what you want him/her to be. And that they are doing things that you NEVER dreamed of when you were their age. But I am telling you from experience my self if you take everything away from her and confront her on the small stuff, that she is going to rebel twice as bad, and you are going to be called Grandma in the near future, or she is gonna be making toasts to you as she gets drunk. I am begging you to please reconsider your list of things you are going to do. Locking up the alchohol would probably be a good thing, that way she can not get into your alchohol. But dont take her life away from her because she is not telling you everything she is doing. Try doing a girls day out, and talk to her, dont force her to tell you things, or let her know you know, and what ever you do DONT GET MAD, at ANYTHING she tells you. If you do this, when she does become sexually active, though you wont want to know, and it will be hard to hold your tounge, you will be more likely to know before you are a grandma. I dont mean kissing by Sexually active. If she ever tries drugs... you will know, but you gotta let her know she is not going to be punished for comming to you honestly.

My kids already have this instilled in their heads, and I will be honest some of the things my oldest son tells me makes me go :eek: but... I do not critisize him for it, and I do not punish him, I give him my opinion, and tell him whether or not I approve of it, but I do not punish him for telling me things he has done, because I would rather know, then have him dead somewhere when he gets older. And although 8 is mighty young, my son came into the living room lastnight, and told me some stuff that floored me. He knows, the hows, whens, wheres, and whys of sex, and he is 8. He learned it from his friends. So we had the birds and the bees talk lastnight, and because I dont punish him for his questions, and his experiements, he knows he can come to me.





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