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Parenting Issues Message Board

Parenting Issues Board Index

I had problems with my daughter who is now 18, but not near the extent you do. My husband at times would blow up and set her straight, but it did not take long for her to be at it again.

She was the most rude and snotty with just me. I learned to let her think that she had some control/power. When I wanted her to clean her room or work on something I would ask her nicely. If she said "no" , which she always did, then I would give her a choice. I would say, "Well you have to make a decison. Clean your room or you cannot go to Valerie's house today. It is your choice." Of course she did not want to miss out on visiting with a friend, or using the computer, or talking on the phone. I always picked something that I knew she wanted. I especially liked it if a friend was having a birthday party. That had a lot of leverage. If she started being out of control I would let her know that she would not be going to the party if she didn't shape up.

The decision was always up to her. I let her know that it was her choice and totally up to her.

She would test me at times, when I threatened to take away the computer. She knew that I was going to work, and that I would not be home to see if she was using the computer. Well I showed her, I unplugged the keyboard and put it in the trunk of my car. You have to follow through with your threats even if it means that you miss out on something fun to make sure she is punished. It did take some time for her to realize that we meant what we said. She even missed out on having a birthday party because of her attitude/mouth. It is amazing how kids think that they are owed a birthday party. They don't realize that it is a gift from their parents. I told her that if her friends ask why she isn't getting a birthday party, then to say that she was a rude brat who was continually warned about her behavior and lost the priviledge. If she knows your threats mean nothing, you lose all of her respect.

She found out that I meant business and as time went by, the attitude lessened. She was not a perfect angel and she still had rude, sarcastic times, but not to the extent that it was before.

She did not have her own cell phone like the rest of her friends. She had an earlier curfew then them too. She could not go to co-ed sleep overs like her friends. She did not go out on school nights like her friends. If she came home late she was grounded for a week. If she slammed her bedroom door after screaming at us, the door came off.

There is so much that you can do to get back the power in your home. You just have to be willing enough to take it from her. You have to get mad and right up in her face, especially your husband. You have to make her afraid of losing the personal freedoms and priviledges that she takes for granted.

Even the govenor of California is strict with his kids. If they leave clothes on the floor, the clothes are given to the poor. (I cannot afford to do that since my daughter throws all of her clothes on the floor!)

Good luck with getting your daughter back. Try the tough love approach and take away the computer privileges, etc. Let me know if it works for you.

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