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Sorry this is long. Please I need some help/advice here with my DD.

My DD is 14. She is near failing or failing her most of her classes (this is not new this has been going on for a couple yrs). She started cutting classes. She is friends with a bunch of kids that are drinking and/or doing drugs. That I know of she is not drinking or doing drugs. She was at her friends house about a year ago and was drinking at her house (I just found this out) supposedly this is the only time. She has a cell phone so that we know where she is, she can call if there is a problem ect. Well she has takin the cell phone to new levels. She is making calls at work (then wonders why her bosses are giving her crap). She is making calls while in school. The newest is staying up all night or most of it on the phone (even though she has school the next day). She seems to get her self grounded all the time. Everytime she gets off grounding within a week or 2 she is grounded again. She hates being grounded but she wont follow the rules.

A little background:
My ex and I separated when she was 6 months old, My DH and I have been together since she was 11 months old, married going on 12 yrs. We have done everything in our power to get along and give her a good live and to show her even though relationships dont work we can still be friends. She was living with me and my DH until beginning of September(I will get back to this part). She was with her dad atleast 2 days a week and up to 3 weeks during his vacation and he comes over to visit us just about 3-4 days monday-friday. The problems is my DH and I are strict we punish and stick to the punishment(horrible I know), we are disciplinarians to her (well thats what it seems like, we only have her during the week, not alot of fun stuff happens during the week), my ex will let her do her thing (If she is grounded at my house she goes there and is ungrounded), its like the circus by him he doesnt discipline..its likes go shopping and go have fun. Examples.... Here, she has a bed time, her no phone after 9 pm, no going out on school nights, be home 9:30-9:45pm on weekends, I try to teach her to be responsible, I want to know where she is (the list goes on). At his house, she can stay up all night, she can go out on school nights, she doesnt have to be home til midnight on weekends, he is teaching her to be irresponsible, he rarely knows where she is.

We just couldnt handle it anymore, things have been building and building for so long, things were really bad here so I sent her to live with her dad (he lives across the street) it was only supposed to be a week, 2 weeks at tops she lived with him, he was supposed to help straighten her out ( he has made this monster). Well this is now January she is still living with him. She is getting worse, the things she is doing wouldnt be happening if she lived here. I can't have her back here til she straightens up, I have 2 other kids here, I dont want to endanger them. My 9 yrs was starting to pull some of the B.S. my daughter was, we couldnt get him to stop when she was here, not long after she went to her dad's, we were able to stop my son from doing the things she was doing. My youngest is 17 months old, I dont fear as much any more that he is going to choke on her stuff (when she lived here, she thought her bedroom was a huge garbage can, I was always on her to keep her stuff high off the ground, she wouldnt). We dont want the our other kids to turn out like her, or think they can pull the same things that she is.

I love my daughter please dont get me wrong, I just dont know what to do to help her. I cant just sit back and let her do whatever she please and slowly destroy herself. I feel bad for her, she is having and going to have a bad teenage yrs. I want her to be able to go out with her friends and have a good time. But some of the things she is doing I cant look passed and let it go, I do let alot of things slide that arent huge, she doesnt even realize I know some of things that I do know. She has even admitted to me that.. she hates the fact that she cant wrap me around her finger like she does with her dad... and that I know things (what she is doing, what her friends do/doing, when she is lying ect).

Oh I should mention...nothing seems to be working. We take things away (tv, phone,video games), I talk til I'm blue in the face, grounding her. I even when as far as, well if you arent going to try in school then you can do work here, here is math, and write definitions to words, ect.... Now my ex ,after sometime of letting DD go wild at his house, is realizing the monster he has created, and doesnt know what to do either.

There is so much more still.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and hellping me
I was not EXACTLY like your daughter, but I would have been if I had not had very tough parents keeping me in line. Thank God my parents kept me home and out of trouble for most of my teenage years. I too was a complete ***** to my parents, and recently told my mother to forget everything I said to her before I was about 25! It's your job to make sure she gets through this and you can't just hope she'll get help from the school counselor or (even more unlikely) will just magically wake up one day in the near future and see the error of her ways.

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