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Parenting Issues Message Board


Parenting Issues Board Index


Hi, I don't know whether this is where I should post here or relationship issues. I was spoke to today by my daughter in law. My son and she have been together for 10 years, they have 2 little ones, 8 and 3. She says he does not want to be around his family. I asked her what she meant and she said when he is not working, he wants to be with the guys instead of them. He works third shift, as she does not work outside the home. He puts in 60 to 64 hours a week. She says he won't talk to her about the problem and acts like there is no problem. I am really confused. My husband was away about 8 months of the year all my sons young life because he was in the military. I am wondering if that is why he is the way he is, cause he never saw his own dad. I am not looking for excuses, just answers I guess. I am afraid to say something to my son and cause more problems. I don't know how he would react if he heard that his wife complained about him to his mom. I think my son loves his family, and I know his wife loves him. I just don't know what to tell her. I know she needs to vent and she has no real family of her own to talk to. Just a gramma in a nursing home. I hate to interfere. But I also have a hard time listening to her put my son down. He works very very hard to provide for them. How can I wake him up to their needs without making him angry at her?
[QUOTE=Kaseyjcf]Hi, I don't know whether this is where I should post here or relationship issues. I was spoke to today by my daughter in law. My son and she have been together for 10 years, they have 2 little ones, 8 and 3. She says he does not want to be around his family. I asked her what she meant and she said when he is not working, he wants to be with the guys instead of them. He works third shift, as she does not work outside the home. He puts in 60 to 64 hours a week. She says he won't talk to her about the problem and acts like there is no problem. I am really confused. My husband was away about 8 months of the year all my sons young life because he was in the military. I am wondering if that is why he is the way he is, cause he never saw his own dad. I am not looking for excuses, just answers I guess. I am afraid to say something to my son and cause more problems. I don't know how he would react if he heard that his wife complained about him to his mom. I think my son loves his family, and I know his wife loves him. I just don't know what to tell her. I know she needs to vent and she has no real family of her own to talk to. Just a gramma in a nursing home. I hate to interfere. But I also have a hard time listening to her put my son down. He works very very hard to provide for them. How can I wake him up to their needs without making him angry at her?[/QUOTE]


I think you should advise your daughter-in-law to talk to him about the problem (and yes, if she perceives it as a problem, then it [I]is[/I], in fact, a problem).
I do not think that you should try to talk to him about it.
As his mother, you cannot be expected to be impartial; your first loyalty will always be, quite naturally, to your own child.
I think you should tell your daughter-in-law this, too: I think you should tell her that you are happy to talk to her, to have a relationship with her, but that you do not wish to hear complaints about your son, whether or not they are justified.
Tell her that she has every right to complain about him if she wants to (he is, after all, not only your son but also [I]her[/I] husband), but not to you.
Assure her that you are by no means insinuating that her complaints are not valid or justified, but only that you are not the appropriate person to complain to.
Advise her to contact a marriage counselor, if the problem is so serious that it is threatening the marriage.
Other than that, just continue to be supportive of both of them.
That's about all you can do.
Good luck.





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