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Hello all....

Last night was a nightmare at our house....

We've got a beautiful, intelligent, bright daughter who is almost 16. She was a high honor student all year last year, still headed that way this year, which is her sophomore year. She takes all honors classes and college prep classes in school and is also in drivers ed. She is also very involved in sports and plays basketball, soccer and softball. SHe has never been in trouble, she's a good the point, I've heard from many...they wish their children were like her....but what they don't see, is her defiance toward us and her refusal to respect us.

Our challenge is that she is VERY defiant. She seems to not have any respect what so ever, for us, for our home as a family unit, etc.

Last night we had a meeting to attend for our school, prior to voting next week. We asked when we left that she please just empty the dishwasher for us...that was ALL....she hadn't been home for 2 nights as she was with her best friend, which was fine. We got home 2.5 hours later and she is on the computer (it is almost 9 now) the dishes hadn't been put away, she hadn't doen her home work. I asked her to please do them, it took a few minutes and it all started from there. The worse yelling screaming match in a long, long time. At one point I was standing by the bathroom and went to walk in and she stood in front of me screaming and refused to let me in the bathroom. It got worse from there. Mind you, I'm 120 5'4" and she's about 140 5'8", so the size thing is something she tends to use when she is really upset with me...she's done it before and dad REFUSES to allow that, when it comes to me and treats toward me, he will not stand for it.

I was at a point last night that I didn't want her here. She also has a little brother who is 7, and witnessed the entire arguement...which is not something that I will allow...she didn't grow up with any type of fighting (my husband and I do not fight, ever) and I don't want her brother to be subject to that kind of stress. He has even gotten to a point where he doesnt' want to spend time with her, because of how she acts toward us.

I know I've spoiled her....and last night she said to me "you buy me things, you bring me places, you do things with me, but you don't support me"...this is a kid, who until this year due to my job, had her parents are EVERY practice for sports, EVERY game, weekends away every spring playing basketball, we're ALWAYS there. We are very involved in getting her ready for college and only want the best for her. I try to talk to her, she won't talk to us...I asked her what else I could do for her and she didn't have much to say to me. She said "sitting down for dinner would be nice"....this is the FIRST week without sports and soccer was 6 days a week, 5 nights and one afternoon, for 3 months....she was NEVER home at dinner time due to practice and games...we can't sit down as a family unit during that time.

I don't know what to do...I don't know how to get her to understand the ONE thing I want from her is respect....I'd give up the good grades, the sports everything just to have her be NICE and respect us and not yell and be part of the family.....we even told her that last night because she keeps saying "Nothing I do is good enough"...which is FAR from the truth..she's a great told her, you know what....I'd rather you be failing in school, not playing sports, not trying so hard if you were NICE...I'd trade that in a second...if you could just be nice and respect us....

Her thing was "I did the dishes didn't I"...but it wasn't until 3 hours later, after a HUGE arguement...over literally 3 minutes it took her to put them away. We don't ask much of her, she doesn't have chores on a normal basis, as she's too busy with sports and activities at school.

We had her in therapy 3 years ago because of this same type of stuff and I got to a point I couldn't deal with it....yelling, complaining, slamming doors etc.

I took away the computer, internet, her cell phone last night. I've done it before, I know it doesn't matter and doesn't make a difference, but I had to do SOMETHING.

We don't have a ton of money, we're doing okay....but not where there is a ton of disposable income. We've already got a car, which we picked up on Sunday, at the garage getting the go over, which will be hers in a few months. we do everything we possibly can for her, to help her I'm feeling used, and betrayed and like I shouldn't do what I do for her, until she shows us some respect.

What do I do?
Where do we go from here?

It's going to be miserable here for a while.....always is when she doesn't get her way. I told her last night maybe she needs to go somewhere and see what it's like for kids who don't have support from their parents, see where they end up, see how their lives are...but I don't think that will do any good either. I was one of those kids, growing up in a one parent household (my dad died) with an alcoholic mother....was pregnant at 17, etc...but I got my life together, bought a house at 21, etc, have always worked, even put my "career" on hold to be home for a while with the kids, I"ve been home now for over 3 years, and work out of the provide a good life for her....the best I could, I didn't finish my degree, I've put everything aside to try to give her the best I could and feel like I've done something wrong, that I messed up somewhere....I told her a while ago, until we've got her settled with college etc, I'm going to wait to finish myself...she wants to go to Medical school and we're all for it...>I can wait, she can't...I want her to have everything I didn't have.....but she has no respect for us, for anything.....she'll admit it's only us she acts like this around, she hates being here, she's great in school, sports etc...and I asked her why and she can't tell us...she doesn't's like she just hates us and we've never done anything wrong....we've always done for her, maybe that is where we messed up...we've given her too much....but I can't go back....we need a way to move forward....

I just want her to be happy
I just want our lives to be happy...

I'm lost
I'm confused
I'm stuck....

What can we do?
Got to love those teen years. I had problems with my oldest, who is 21 now at that exact age. And also my youngest, who is 16. Sometimes the best thing is to just walk away. The more you tell the more heated it gets and then you are fighting about things that were not the problem. Think back to when you were that age. Didn't you pretty much pretend you were hatched from an egg, no real parents to speak of. Because parents were just a pain , and embarresing. And always wanting to tell you what to do.
Personaly I know things that seem like no big deal to a parent can mean the world to a 15 year old, (16,17 etc) And vice versa.

I really disagree with people wanting to find some kind of problem and rush their kids to a therapist, or MD when the teen years start. Too many people want there to be the medical issue, so they can excuse the behavior. Not that I am saying there are not many teens out there with issues. But I think too many parents give kids these excuses. And then the teen turns around and simply say this is why I am disrepctful. And you just have to deal with it.
I think girls have so many harmones going threw them each month that just like adult woman there are times they can simply be a witch. And there is no other reason then that. (Please don't jump on me for that comment. It is true and woman know that.)

Personaly I would not buy her a car. I would tell her I would match money for one. I think things that are handed to kids are not as appreciated. And become expected. I also told my girls that they did not have to work during their school years. I wanted them to enjoy being kids. But once they wanted a car then they needed to get some kind of job.
And also got them to understand there are many things that I do not want to do, but they need to be done and that is all there is to it. In the work world and adut world you can not tell the boss gee I will get to that later I just dont' want to do it right now. That really helped them understand where I was comeing from.

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