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Parenting Issues Message Board


Parenting Issues Board Index


Nightowl 2, I have no idea what your age is, if so, perhaps my opinions would be different. This is a view from the other side of the fence. I have been seeking opinions from the other side of the fence in hopes of making my daughter and my relationship better. It helps to know what makes the younger and older tick, how they look at things.

First of all, your being independent and pushing your mother away when you were younger put a gap between the two of you that has not been bridged. Independence is wonderful for children but not at the expense of not wanting mom or dad or siblings to be close to you, sit next to you, do things with you at that stage of life on your timetable only. It hurts a parent to be pushed aside the same as it hurts a child to feel they have been pushed aside for whatever reason.

This gap makes it more difficult in later life to bond and get along doing things together. It may be that your mother feels too stressed when doing things with a child that has always distanced themselves from them. This works the opposite to. It is a two-way street.

I had a problem doing things with oldest daughter because she chose a time when I either had to prepare meals, do laundry, change diapers, baby's nap, chauffer kids, do errands for family needs. When I was free she was not interested. A mother cannot pickup and leave at drop of a hat, she has responsibility of all the family and we don't leave little ones at home alone and it costs money to hire a sitter plus how would you know the sitter was a safe sitter for your children. Other times when I went shopping with her she wanted me to buy this and buy that (caused shopping trips to be very stressful). Money was not available to do that since we had a large family trying to make ends meet. Yes, she had friends who's mother took them shopping and bought whatever they wanted. I could not financially do that. Her friends were usually the only child or only 2 children in the family and we had 5 children. Shopping trips were too stressful so I quit even trying to go. I had to stay glued together in order to take care of the family as a whole and not just one person in the family. It was not a reject of my daughter but a reject of being subjected to that much stress.

Your mom has gone thru a lot being both mom & dad during your life. Raising children and making a living for them is very stressful, exhausting at best, and more so when it is done alone. I doubt that your mother has the energy, steam or what it might be called to lift her foot to take another step at end of the day. The weight she carries on her shoulders is very heavy at best. Perhaps your mother felt since you were independent and self sufficient you would do just fine living your life with less needs from her, not less love but less material needs. Do you still live at home? If so, a helping hand around the house would be a wonderful way to start to bridge the gap, your mother could use help given/done with love, nothing expecting in return. It is a great way to work your way back into her life, not as a maid or servant but a loving daughter trying to lift some of the load from her mother's shoulders. A way of sharing true love.

It may seem your mother is giving more attention to your little brothers than she did you but in reality she is still struggling to raise children alone. Again, I do not know your age or age of brothers so what I say here may not apply if all are out of high school.

Lack of respect for a parent will drive a wedge between the two for sure. That is part of problem between my daughter and myself. Many times children resent authority figures and of course that means parent or parents, employers, etc. It carries over into adult life and hinders getting promotions, career advancements. It seems to show in one's attitude toward authority figures. The adult child becomes unhappy with where they are at various stages of life, especially when they are older and have not fullfilled their dreams or their dreams were not what God had in mind fo them, or they did not follow the right path to achieve their dreams. I believe this is when depression may come about, not sure, still learning about depression.

Please understand, there is not one perfect parent on earth and there is not one perfect child on earth. If you really knew what your friends parents were "really" like you would be appalled and know without a doubt you had/have better parents even tho there are some things you do not like about them. Remember, we can love and still not like everything about a person even if it is a parent or a child. Love from the heart, a forgiving heart will mend more fences than holding onto what we think the other person is doing or not doing. Too bad, we cannot crawl into the other person's head and see for ourselves how/what they are really thinking!!

There is so much about you and your situation that only you know, so, it is difficult for anyone to really hit the nail on the head as to the real problem between you and your mom. I can only give a little info from the other side of the fence in hopes you will be able to gleam something that will help you to re-evaluate your relationship with your mom. If you do not have family, you are really in the world all alone and no one else really cares about others the way family does.

I can say that when a parent or child picks every little thing said to pieces and turns everything into a negative it puts a road block in the relationship. Being overly sensitive is a handicap whether it is the parent or child. Wearing a chip on the shoulder, feeling you were not treated right while growing up may or may not be true. It is all in the eyes of the beholder whether it is 100% fact or not. When we dwell on things they become larger and larger and finally unsurmountable. Please look on the bright side and try to see the positive in everything others say and do, it will brighten your day, make life more pleasant and who knows your mom may soften to putty in your arms!!

My daugher does have space, she lives 3 hrs. away and lives her life the way she wants to (age 42). Comes home for special occassions only, her choice. Ends up getting mad at mom or a sibling and we never know what was said or done to create a rift. Before she went back home last weekend her dad, myself and she prayed together. She could never verbalize what she wanted me to do in order to change. She could not verbalize what I had done or not done during her life that made her so bitter.

On Thursday flowers were delivered to mom/dad from her with the following on card: Mark 5 versus 3-5. If you will look up those versus in the Bible and explain what she was trying to convey I would appreciate it. We read the versus but there seemed to be various angles she could be coming from. An explanation would be appreciated from someone on the other side of the fence.

God bless you and your relationship with your mom, both of you are very special.

Marie
Marie,
I read posts here tonight, and I just want to say to you,......stop this undeserved abusive behavior your daughter has inflicted on you. She is a very grown woman not some new to the world 20 year old fresh into adulthood. She has no right to blame you for her failings with herself. It's time she takes responsibility for her own actions. I don't care if you were Joan Crawford reincarnated and your only purpose in life was to ruin hers. She is a middle aged woman. Everything she isn't happy with is at no fault of yours. She has been an adult longer now than she was a child. Tell her you Love her and have always been proud of her accomplishments, but that as a person you don't like her. How could you? You are her mother and at 40+ years she should know better to be so unappreciative of you. Has she ever tried to see your life through the perspective of a woman? Ask her, has she ever seen you as a woman? Being a woman herself, she must know what enormous sacrifices women have to make all of their lives. Ask her has she ever stopped hating you long enough to ever think to herself on those days/nights she feels life pressures getting the best of her, how it might have been for her Mother at times? That maybe she could have respected her and been proud and honored to be her daughter? Because what she(your daughter) was going through couldn't compare to what her Mom made it through? Tell her it makes you sad that she can't view your life as what it might have been at times. Tell her you don't believe she ever really could think you some how didn't love her? You were only a woman trying to do her best and that she might stop being so judgemental of your every decision, or your every action you made to her growing up. She has let her emotions fog her intelligence and use you as her reasons her life isn't what she quite hoped for. She has the control to make it more pleasant. One day you won't be here any longer and the reality is that day is sooner than later , a fact not a guilt trip you want to lay on her. If she can't get past her petty accusations, distain for life choices,and mockery of you and your mothering skills, than you can't and won't except it any longer. You wouldn't from anyone else. Tell her your tired of the egg shell path you have allowed her to make you walk down. If she feels inadequate about choices she has made in her (Adult) life to stop blaming you. Even if this hurts her to hear. Tell her she can never know what she has not experienced and not having a child of her own she cannot comment on mothering skills. If she takes it all wrong.... stress to her how even sadder that makes you feel. Your own daughter as a woman can't, no more importantly, refuses, to see her mother as a woman an equal. It's time she hear from you for a change and just listened to your frustrations and sorrows and missed opportunities, and time she stop acting so sorry for herself . There are things she would know if she was a mom and before she get on her high horse and start saying your judging her or making her feel your less proud of her because she never married or has children. Tell her those are her own feeling about herself not yours and that you (as a Mom) love your children unconditionally all your children. You would never or have ever set a meter to measure who gets love. As a mom your wishes for your children has always been what all mothers want for their children. The simplest things mostly, that they be safe, happy, honest, moral, just, and meet someone that brings them joy, not as daughter may feel that mom thinks daughter won't have joy unless she meets someone. Again her thoughts not yours. Lastly tell her how painful it is for you as a mother.

My mother has been dead for 3 years and I miss her so much. If your daughter could only know how much she will regret the time she is wasting.

Sorry so long a post!
My heart goes out to you Marie,
Regards from,
HeartOfGold






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