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Parenting Issues Message Board

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My story is sad and I am heartbroken. My beautiful daughter began using marijuana in her senior year of high school. She would leave the house in a car with friends and return a couple of hours later and go straight to bed. This became more and more frequent. The last quarter of high school, her grades dropped to an all time low. She graduated but barely.. She had dreams of performing and had some promising gigs. She was getting noticed and recognized. And now she doesn't care.

Now, since turning 18, she believes that she has no rules and can do as she pleases. She was accepted at every college for which she applied for this Fall term. Then just after graduation, she said she was going to postpone college until January. I thought it to be okay because she works and wanted to earn more money. Well, she earned more money and it went up in smoke. Then the new date for college was postponed again to a year. And then she decided she was never going to school ever again.

I came home one morning and found her in bed (she shares a room with her younger sister) with her 17 year old boyfriend who failed 10th grade a second time. The reason I came home was because her younger sister called my office before I arrived. I returned her call and she told me her older sister attacked her and she left the apartment.... not really attacked her but put a death grip on her that left bruises on her arm. When I came home, and found the boy in bed with my older daughter, I understood why my younger daughter was up all night. At first they were on her top bunk bed and I could not see him. I only saw my daughters hair. I thought it was suspicious (when I went in to say good bye in the morning) because she has historically hated the top bunk.

For fear that my younger daughter was at risk, (she left the apartment and just roamed around for about an hour, then walked up to the high school where she knew she would be safe) I went home to take action and find out why an outburst had occurred before 8:30 AM. I told my older daughter to get out of bed. At first she refused. I forced the issue twice more and then she arose. I saw other movement in the bed and saw the 17 year old boy. I was furious. I told him to get up and get dress and to leave. He refused. I began to burn ... to think my younger daughter was roaming around the neighborhood alone because of this, infuriated me.

I told my 18 year old girl to go to the living room. My husband remained in the bedroom with the boyfriend. I asked my daughter when did he get there, she said he came after summer school.... I couldn't believe she thought me to be so stupid. Summer school was already over. I then asked her why was he in bed with her, her answer was, "I invited him. I am 18 now and I can do whatever I want with anybody." Okay, I thought then if she wants to do this and hurt her sister, it is time to leave. And, if she broke up with the 17 year old boy, I feared she would bring home strangers.

I told the boy to leave and her to pack up and leave right then and there. I watched her and when she got most of her stuff together, I asked her for the key. She found it and gave it to me. I saw her getting teary and whimpered a few times and sniffed back her tears. And that is the image I keep replaying over and over in my head.

She does not want to talk to me. I never really wanted her to really leave but could not believe that my older daughter allowed her younger sister to be at risk and was so aggressive that roaming the neighborhood was the safest solution.

Recently, she had a minor altercation with her girlfriend whom she was staying with, so she left there and stayed with the boyfriend for 3 days. Now his mother wants my daughter to pay her $400/month to live with them. She only nets about $180 per week. She will have to pay her own car insurance and gas with $80 per week. They are illegal immigrants.

She came home to get her ss card, passport, and the car. I would not allow her to take the car because she does not have her drivers' license yet. I told her she could have it when she has her license and I am holding onto her money so that she can buy the insurance in her name. She told me they were going to register the car the next day. I was pretty upset. It looks like the boyfriend's family wants to take the car I was holding on to for her. She can not register it yet because she needs insurance and she can't get insurance until she has a license.

She has been gone for 9 days. She is back with the boyfriend in his mother's basement apartment again. I also have given it some serious thought about what will happen if he wants to break up with my daughter. He has 2 more years of high school and will be active in high school. My daughter has no business being with him.

I now fear that since finding out they are illegal, they may steal her passport. She will probably think she lost it. I struggle with many thoughts of what could happen. If I report it lost and if they lift the photo and replace it with another and use her name than the document numbers will appear with a different face. If ever it is expertly examined or somebody tries to leave the country with it, the document numbers will have been reported as a stolen or missing passport. I was told by somebody that they will use her name and replace her photo, then sell it for a lot of money. I am beginning to fear that they may even leave the country with her. She is most beautiful. And then we may never see her again.

I am at odds. She made very bad decisions and now I am kicking myself for letting her have the passport. I want my daughter to come back home but now I fear that she is never going to be the same. I want her to stop smoking pot and get back on track. I feel so helpless and wonder how can we get her to believe she has done some things that she should not have done.

Please help with any suggestions or advice. I am praying every hour, every day. I don't sleep well. I love her but she does not believe me. How can I make it believable?

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