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Personality Disorder Message Board

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It's complicated. I've looked around on the Internet, talked to people but they never seem to get it quite right. Let's see if anyone here can get me.

I don't think I'm real. And the statement is beyond those words. It's gone from "my life is an illusion within an illusion within an illusion etc" to "I'm dead and reliving my life" to "I am all that exists" all that's in between and back again. Even now I feel like I'm in some sort of Dream as I write these words, or maybe I'm watching a movie of myself.

I go back and forth between thinking I am the only thing that exists and everything else is just me but altered, like different sides of me, to having a basic view of existence and consciousness often.

Also, I tend to go into an auto pilot when talking. Sometimes I feel like it's me speaking, sometimes I feel like it's someone else. Sometimes I believe one thing, another time I believe another. Sometimes I feel nothing towards anything towards anyone (completely numb to emotion), sometimes I feel empathy for certain people, and sometimes I get upset over every death. I go back and forth from "no lives matter in the scope of everything" to "all lives are precious and must be protected".

My interests fluctuate abnormally too. One day I'm jamming to Ariana Grande the next day some indie band with depressing lyrics. One day I might want to be normal (Starbucks, uggs etc) the next I want to be the outcast (sort of reserved, all black, tomboyish, dark). Sometimes I feel at home with these things other times I feel like it's a different person.

My past is strange also. A huge part of my life has been taken from me and I'm in between not remembering anything from it and knowing every detail. Almost like a picture that's blurry and you can make it out with one eye and not with the other, but then sometimes you'll be looking at it with both eyes. There's one person from my past that I feel a certain love for but I can't bring myself to say or think of his name even though I already know it.

Another thing about me is that I crave the extraordinary and the melancholy. I am fascinated by tragedy and almost wish that I could experience it. I read about characters and long for their lives. I'm bored. I tend to get lost in my thoughts and feel like I'm part of another world.

As I've been thinking about it, I think that others might describe me as "sad", and I am but more so bored. I can't keep people satisfied and tend to betray their trust. I find that this might be because I don't particularly feel a bond with anyone. I have no "best friend" and I don't even consider people to be "friends". It almost feels like I only need myself. However, could this be an example of one of my theories of consciousness, that everyone is me? I don't know.

Sometimes I transfer between extreme sadness to happiness and sometimes in short periods of time. I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy and feel tired all the time and I don't have anything to feel particularly sad about. Most people I've talked to say that these are signs of depression but it fluctuates so much that I don't know.

My family life is pretty amazing actually but I tend to perform attention seeking behavior, like saying I do certain things or pretending to experience certain things. Most times I don't feel like I'm saying them though.

It's also grown difficult to pay attention. Even in classes or reading, both things I love, I feel like I'm somewhere else or my mind wanders - usually to the topic of consciousness/existence.

That's pretty much it, I know I've talked about a lot of scattered things but they've really been taking over my life. I have a history of severe anxiety but no substance abuse, bullying, etc. Thanks for your time. I hope you can help me.

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