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How can one change their entire personality? And by extension my life?

I can barely type this, my body gets upset. I've never been emotionally connected to anyone in my entire life (I'm 25); I'm lazy yet compulsive by nature (I try to fight it all the time); I have a sadistic side (that I try to supress); I get insanely furious sometimes (though I make sure not to hurt anyone); I am prone to be introverted to the point of disassociation (though less now); I fight self sabotage and self destruction as much as I can. I'm contrary by second-nature, yet I have a difficult time thinking for myself.

Part of the problem is when I was born, it triggered my mother's bi-polar disorder. My dad and her worked all the time. I don't think I had a lot of contact with kids my own age. My cousin (who was 4 years older than me) used to use me sexually between the ages of 5 to 10--I repressed these memories until the age of 13. We moved around a lot in my early years and then when we finally settled, I still got moved around from school to school a lot. I had believed that I had sexually abused my little brother in the same manner as my cousin (I didn't), and began to dissacciate even more than I usually did. This triggered deep depression and obsessive compulive disorder. I kept this non-existant "secret" to myself for about 3 years (it tore me up inside). I finally told a counselor and got that situation out I the open. But by then, I became distant from my peers for all those years and I couldn't relate to them. I gave up on life in many ways and I didn't realize it at all, because of the many anti-depressants I was taking *AND* since I had so successfully conditioned my mind to avoid reality at all costs that I didn't even realize I was doing it. I became afraid of life and I didn't realize it at all. I felt good most of the time, even though I was deeply lonely, directionless, and self-loathing deep down inside. About 2 years ago, I decided to change my life with positive self-talk, taking chances, and hesitantly branching out. I also dared to go off my meds. I wasn't sure why, but when they wore off, I began to realize that my life was beyond a mess. All my memories came back and assembled into a coherant whole. I was fully aware of who I was, and my past and present. I became suicidal and was hospitalized. I was given new meds and let out. I've learned to accept my life and the challenges, but it still is *REALLY* hard to build my life. I'm going to be getting my meds adjusted this Friday.

But I feel stuck. I don't know what to do with my life, I've barely experienced it. I don't know which vocation to go into (but it must provide Mental Health Insurance). I barely able to create meaningful relationships with people (even though I am well liked and get along with just about everyone).

I'm currently on 600mg of Serzone and 1200mg of Neurontin, I live at home, I have almost all my material needs met, but I feel like I want to die (I fight that too). I also see a counselor weekly (it barely helps).

I need all the help I can get! I DESPERATELY want to change and improve my life.

[This message has been edited by ptolemy (edited 06-08-2003).]

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