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Personality Disorder Message Board

Personality Disorder Board Index

when i was young i was happy and creative. people liked me and i liked people. my dad started taking speed and basicaly abandoned us after beating my mom and threatening to kill me (i was 5 or 6 when this happened)... we lived in a mobile home after that in a really nice place.. life seemed pretty good and i was happy and had lots of friends. then my mom got a boyfriend that i started looking up to because he was funny and was a good artist. we moved in with him which seemed pretty cool and life was super good for a while... durring this time i kinda forgot about my dad and started looking up to this stepfather like guy.. well around the age of 7 i woke up one night with a really sore and red penis and in the corner of my eye i saw the stepfather guy walk out of the room.. i didn't know what to think but for 3 days i was completely silent. i didn't say anything... after that i woke up quite a bit while he was doing things to me.. things that i knew were bad but felt good. I was able to ignore it up through my school days despite the daily and nightly "sessions" with him, where'd he teach me a little more about my body every time. i was still a social kid that people seemed to like. Life seemed good, i was happy and was somehow able to block all this out. Around 11 i started thinking maybe i should think about my 2 brothers and what could be happening to them. so i decided to tell my mom.. who like a peice of insecure **** decided to bring the stepdad up to the room so we could have a "family talk" about it. durring this talk it seemed like my mom believed me but the stepdad made up stupid excuses like "i'm just checking to see if he wet the bed".. i was badgered for about a half hour on wether or not it was a dream.. ofcourse after a half hour (or so it seems) of this going on i eventualy said yes it was a dream and my ****ing peice of **** of a mother acted all relieved like "thank god we cleared that up"... for about a year after i would wake up with him naked and stinking of sweat next to me, but stopped doing things to me while i was awake.
we moved out in about a year to some crappy apartment where i was still a happy social person.. we still kept ties to that stepguy. we would be sent to stay at his house when my mom went on vacations to see her "aol buddies".. life continuued as it was though, i didn't show any emotional abnormalities and i got along with people fine... i developed a bit of weight problem though and people started calling me fat, mostly my friends, and by 8th grade summer i was annorexic. i lost about 50 pounds in 3months.. durring this time we had to move back into this stepguys house.. despite my fear of going to sleep at night i was happy... 9th grade came around and i was a bit scared of school because i started getting weird anxiety problems.. and i started getting into pot and acid and shrooms and pharmicuticals... i was happy and usually the life of the party. people seemed to like me and i liked people. around 10th grade i started getting wierd feelings.. not sad, not happy just like something was affecting me.. at the end of that year i turned into a pitty whore and couldn't stop *****ing about my problems to everyone. durring that year i moved in with the stepdad guy because of problems with my mom.. in the back of my head i thought i could kill him by putting skates on the stairs and such but i never got the guts to try... i had also moved in because i hated my mom.. well after being drugged a few times and waking up with forskin pulled back too far to put back easily, it was always painful, i moved back in with my mom. I got really quiet at school and my friends even those who seemed to look up to me at some point started treating me like ****.. calling me ***** and pretending i shouldn't mind because they're just ****ing with me or something.. i started thinking everyone was talking about me and had an emotional break down. I changed over night into a completely different person. i started paying attention to everything i did. walking, facial expressons, everything. i forgot how to tell jokes and couldn't go into humurous rants or all that funny stuff i use to.. people started disliking me and i eventually started smoking mass quantities of marijuana every day and took corracedin (dex) weekly.. i also started drinking alot. well around my junior year i didn't really know what i was doing. I was crazy, sad, and a killjoy.. my best friend called me one night because i broke out in tears when he asked me what was wrong (i had told him about my abuse before like a pitty craving idiot).. when he called i had just tooken 8 vicodin and 20 asprin (a psuedo suicide attempt really).. i was also trying to act depressed at the same time, it was all an act but at the same time it wasn't.. maybe this was my sophmore year... well he talked me thorugh it and said not to go to sleep and kind of counsiled me.. which in retrospect probably ****ed with him quite a bit... eventualy i went to my dads house for a week and decided to call my older brother and told him about the abuse and he said it happened to him to (he reffered to it as the 'checking to see if we wet the bed' thing).. i said yeah and he called the cops. i didn't tell my dad about this and we went to a hockey game.. when i went home i saw my mom who, like the insecure peice of crap she is went through all these sobbing oh it's my fault you guys have every right to hate me phases which really ****ed with all of us because she basicaly killed our hopes of having a strong parent figure to help us through it.. i hated her for how she responded to this.. she would make comments about how our old stepfather was the ***** and a peice of ****.. it's like she enjoyed talking about it.. about how she wanted to hurt him and stuff. when we just didn't want to talk about it. well i dropped out of school and started taking anti depressents which helped a while but made me impodent and ruined my first time, embarrasing me and ruining what little relationship i had with my g/f.. well my mom decided we needed to move away from all of my friends and the community i grew up in because A) we were living in a house owned by the step guy (which had moved out 2 years before but was our land lord and B) it was going to be in the news, which it already was and i had to deal with my friends asking about it because all the news did was show his picture and say he was getting 1500 years for all these charges.. it was horribaly embarrasing and ruined any chance of having normal friendships... before we moved away however my mom felt we needed to visit our father. while at my fathers i got so caught up in all these emotions and thoughts that i struck myself in the head while i was drinking.. my depression was starting to go away when this happened but i had hit myself so hard i had received a brain injury.. for about 3 weeks i could not laugh, cry or anything.. i was put on antipsychotics because i said i wanted to be sedated or i would kill myself.. i was extrememly depressed.. and we moved to the smallest quietest town in oregon. where i had and still have no friends... after i stopped taking the antipsychotics i developed a twitch and a sort of craziness and have been quite the hypocondriac since. my abillity to feel emotions all the way still hasn't returned though i'm told i shouldn't have perminent brain damage... i spend my days either curled up in a ball looking out the window or posting on message boards like this, complaining about syptoms for problems i think i have that are ignored because "i'm a manic depressive hypocondriac".. i have no friends and have been put on a number of medications. one of which gave me serotonin syndrome. when i complained about the horribal effects of the medicine to my doctor, he laughed at me and said he didn't believe it. not because i didn't convey the syptoms (everyone saw and my mom tried to bring me in because she was so scared) but because HE didn't see me convey them because he was playing golf somewhere or some stupid crap.. so since that happened i've been forced to quit marijuana, my one source of actual laughter, because i am now ultra senistive to it.. due to lack of research i am unable to find out wether or not i have any perminent damage from that.. anyways i hate my mom for being an insecure jobless crying pothead. and i also hate both of my brothers. i hate my younder because he is a peice of crap to me despite me being the one to rescue him from his forced weekend visits to our stepfathers house (which is the only reason i told in the first place). i especialy hate my older brother because he never did **** to protect me, and he seems to be dealing with his problems pretty well, and left right after this came out, leaving me with my stupid whiney ***** whore pitty grubbing stupid ho of a mother and telling me to take care of my little bro (especialy because he knows my mom is a ****ty influence).. leaving me with all the **** he should've dealt with. the abuse started for him when he had already developed some sense of self. and he just abandoned me with all these ****ing responsibillities and stuff and i'm so unstable depressed and unhappy pumped up on meds.. i can't help anyone and i am irrationaly angry, happy, sad all the time... i want to kill myself, but i can't because i don't want to ruin my brothers chances at living a normal life. i want to die so bad. if i had no one i would do it. but i can't and i want to so bad. i already have a ****ed up brain making me depressed with all this other ****. i'm never going to be me. i always think something is happening to my brain and i can never do anything right. i just want to jump infront of a semi and end it but i can't. if there is a god i am going to hell because i hate him. I have so many dreams in my life and the tallent to persue them but and too ****ed up in the head to use them. i feel like i lose them a little every day and i just want to die. my thoughts are perverted and i just want to die.. i can't laugh i wish i was dead. i'm 18 and i can't even get a ****ing erection. i ****ing hate myself and everyone around me. i just want to be dead.

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