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Bpd? manic? advice?
Oct 17, 2003
I've though I've been depressed for almost 2 years now. I've been on wellbutrin, prozac, paxil, celexa...none of which seem to help me much, but I dont stop taking them because I feel that things will be worse if I dont have them. For as long as I can remember, my emotions seem to be so much stronger than other people feel. Especially pain. I've never been suicidal, but I have called the hospital asking for help because my emotional pain hurt so bad that I just couldnt take it anymore. I just wanted to sleep but it hurt to bad to sleep. I still wasnt suicidal though.
I'm starting to realize that I think I may be manic. I do have times where I have an inflated self-confidence, and times where I am extremely irritable. I've never depended on anybody because during these manic states I feel that I am such an intelligent person, and that I'm better than most people. Its hard to explain because even though I feel that I am better than most people, at the same time I could never admit it when I feel this way because even though I feel this way, I still feel bad about myself at the same time. Its really hard to explain, but I'm becoming convinced that I'm probably manic, in combo with other things. When I feel like this, the feelings of inflated self worth are becoming really appearant to me now. This has had its worst impacts in my relationships.
I alway fall so hard for females. They seem to fall so very hard for me too, but after 6-7 months on average probably, something changes and they seem to turn on me (maybe just in my head). I make this worse by trying to hurt them for treating me wrongly, and trying to make them feel guilty about being so cruel. Then all of a sudden, I will feel like that I have the upper hand, so I will do something outrageous like saying things that make it impossible for us to ever be able to fix things. I tell them that I'm so very happy now that I'm away from them. Within a day after I have this feeling that I have the upper hand, and after I say such powerful things...it all reverses. Then I feel so god damn depressed that nothing can bring me up. Then I try to talk to them again, and fix things...but its too late, so I just end up blaming them for everything, and trying to make them feel guilty. I keep doing this back and forth, and it is ruining everything that I loved. I recently went through a bad breakup like this. I felt that she did me wrong the other night, so I told that I didnt want to interact with her ever again. I told her not to ever speak to me or look at me again, because of the cruel things she did to me. I wrote emails and letters explaining how cruel I thought she was, and how I treated her so well. I told her that I tried to be friends but she keeps treating me like **** and ****ing me over, so I told her that I wasnt going to try anymore, and that I didnt want us to speak again. I kept asking her to apologize and accept responsibility, but in my mind she never did that. She claims she did many times. We work together, well...we dont work together, but we do have to see eachother every day. I put a stop to all contact in the last 24 hours, and I'm in really rough shape right now. I miss everything.
I dont know if my recent relationship problems are sign of manic depression, I dont know what is doing this. I feel that I probably have borderline personality disorder, because I've seen it explained many times as "I hate you, but dont leave me". God, that explains my relationships so well. I have a lot of symptoms of both disorders. I have a hard time going to a mental health place about this because then I go into a manic state and I convince myself that all of my problems are not related to BPD or manic depression, so I cant be helped that easy.
I could literally go on about all of this for hours, but I would really appreciate some third party opinions on what I'm going through. I have such a hard time convincing myself. Any opinions or thoughts would greatly be appreciated. Whats wrong with me? I'm miserable not being able to talk to her anymore.

rockstar





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