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Re: Explaining BPD
Sep 14, 2003
I'm not one who normally does things such as this, but I was hoping to get some insight from you guys. Questioning whether or not I have BPD is something that's been going on with me for a while now and I'm pretty scared to fully face it.

Concerning relationships, I fit into the criteria that the man above explained of his girlfriend. This gets confusing sometimes, though, because I wonder if it's because of the disease, or if it's because of my father leaving me at a very impressionable age, when I was just starting to form relationships with guys. I'm gonna try and tell you some things about myself and see if you guys think it very well could be BPD (or something else) or just a sensitive girl who lost her father at 15 who came from a sensitive mother. The reason that I'm concerned enough, though, is because my family has a history of mental illness, namely bi-polar and depression (I went through depression from about 15-18..16 being the worst of the years). Here goes:

--As I said before, I am very similar to the gf that the man above explained. Although, MOST of the time I am not pretending to care. I do care. I have always been an empathetic person and I cry at the smallest of things concerning other people, I always have. Given that I'm an emotional,empathetic person I've always been able to tap into things in other people that most people cant. I've noticed, though, that (only concerning romantic relationships, for the most part)given these abilities I become such the manipulater. I definitely use those tools to get my space. I am currently in a loving relationship but I always find myself wanting to test it and wanting to pick fights, and such. I often want some time alone and I TRULY feel that, but then I often don't make it a day before I TRULY think the opposite and am so in love again. The extremes are huge!
--Since my depression, I've always seen things in black and white (mostly because, this is hard, I feel like I have an upper hand on 'knowing people' This is also where paranoia can come in, too. I'm either so in love with someone or just absolutely can't stand them (although I don't act those feelings out in anger towards them, or I have very few times). I do not see the big picture (especially in CLOSE relationships) I tend to judge them by the last experience that I had with them. I do not know if that's me being an overly sensitive girl, or if it's signs of the disease.
--I have a hard time remembering a feeling that I'm not currently in. When I was depressed, I felt like therapy was useless cause the night before I'd have a REALLY bad moment and I'd go in and talk to him the next day and I totally couldnt relive it. I'd tell him about it, but I'd always make it out to be a lot of a lesser deal that it truly was. When I'm in my moods, you have to see me then or else there's no way that I can recount them later on. I am very much an 'in the now' type of person.

--W/in the past year (I'm in my early 20's)I've become body conscious, which is odd cause I've always been secure with myself in the past and I don't look much different physically than I did when I felt secure in myself. Also, like I've read some other people with the disease say, sometimes I can look in the mirror and think I am the grossest thing and other times I think to myself that I am beautiful. Which also brings me to another point: Sometimes I feel like I haven't gotten things together and that my life is worthless (I have cut in the past, but it's been years, but there are no thoughts of suicide, so it's not that bad)and then other days I feel like I'm the best, most caring, loving person that I know. It goes from low self-esteem to such confidence (bordering narcicism, although I never verbally state such things).
--As for the feelings of empathy and being an emotional person. I notice that I get more emotional with other people's lives and problems than I do with my own. I am very good at numbing things out when it comes to me. I push and I push things away that I should be crying about and then when there finally comes a situation where I can't escape it, I experience, what I think is, a panic attack. I've always wondered if I really do feel void of feeling when it comes to myself or if in being such a sensitive person my mind/body just numbs it out cause it knows that I cannot physically handle all of that emotion. I very rarely cry, but I cry all the time over t.v. shows, and such.
--I cannot take compliments anymore, I do appreciate them but they just kind go right through me and my voice changes and gets quiter and I almost sarcastically say, 'blah' or 'thanks' That's also where more paranoia comes in, I feel like they say it cause they have to. I don't thrive for recognition, admiration and compliments, but I DO take any form of rejection (even if they didn't mean it and i took them the wrong way) really bad. Furthering on the paranoia, since my depression (which I dont currently think that I have??)I am very weary of people. That is a trait that I've kept with me since being sick. I feel like they are using me for something and that they have some alterior motive in wanting to get together. I feel like I can pick up on little things that they say ,that they don't think is obvious, that they are directing negative towards me. I have very few close relationships and I like to keep it that way cause I have a hard time trusting and believing that people are good. On the other end, though, I donnot mind being alone and I do not mind going out. When I want a mellow evening, I very much prefer to be alone (maybe a phone call here and there). When I go out, I WAN'T TO GO OUT. I am weary of people that I know but I do like going out and I am pretty social. I will meet a lot of new people, but I can't get myself to really further the friendship cause there's just all this weirdness that I'm feeling.
--I was also sexually abused as a child, but I honestly don't see it affecting me so much when it comes to relationships.
--I donnot have excessive spending habits. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't do any drugs. I also donnot engage in risky sex.

Wow, that's been a lot! I am currently blanking, but I'm sure there is more that I might think of later. I'm just wondering: Is this BPD? Is this something else? Or is this just an emotional girl whose scared of commitment (although I'm always thriving for a close, loving relationship--it's not like I don't try) and trusting others?

Thank you, in advance, for any help that you guys might give me.

[This message has been edited by riverbed11 (edited 09-14-2003).]

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