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Hi,
I think I may have borderline personality disorder AND bipolar. Ive read around and its possible to have both. I have been diagnosed bipolar type 2 rapid cycling, but it more sounds like BPD to me as well.
Ive had a rough life, my mom is an alcoholic(who is also suicidal, ive saved her life more than 4 times), ive been bullied about being fat and ugly with poofy hair(thats what they called it, and i have REALLY coarse hair) for most of my life, and my therapist thinks I have had been emotionally and physically abused by my mother. I never knew my father, and now I have to live with my grandparents.
When I was in 6th grade I was diagnosed with severe depression. Then I started cutting. Now I am in 8th grade(Which means I am 13 yrs old), diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and my problems have become worse.
I don't have any friends(not anymore, cause either one im too scared to talk to them, or they stopped talking to me cause their sick of my mood swings). I get severely jealous very easily. I also think I know what they are thinking, like im always right. And if they think im stupid, i blow my head off even more.
I always think they are out to hurt me, so I don't get close to them. I seriously cannot control my anger. If i get angry I start crying because I cannot control them. I was never able to control anything my whole life, and i feel like im better than everyone else if I get to. I will also cry cause I pushed them away and I cannot control it, and I am lonely. I also have a habit of one minute saying I love you and I act really nice and generous, then I say something really mean like I hope you die from cancer or a car crash and I cant believe you would treat me like this. I always think im the victim. My old counselor even said so. I always think they are lieing, and I say like "but remember you said that ___, so you must have lied to me".im making it all up in my head making me persuade myself its true. I always think they are going to hurt me..not physically but emotionally. I also can develop addictions very easily. Like for example, I believe I have a binge eating problem(cause I always think its going to help me fill in the loneliness in me), overspending things(i dont use my money, i use my grandmothers, but she always get mad at me that i spend too much and i never even touch it), and i think i have an addiction to the computer(i always say theres nothing to do, and that im bored, and this is the only thing that keeps me unbored, but yet sometimes im still bored, if im lonely). I am also very paranoid, like I think someone is watching me. If the window isn't shut w/ the curtains I run to wherever i go to so if their gonna try to kill me ill be able to hide somewhere. And If I hear something drop or even a little noise happens I get really nervous and run as far as I can go from where I heard it. My grandmother says I just watch too much of Americas Most Wanted, but I don't even watch it. Also, theres another problem, if im in the middle of saying something, i immediately change the subject, and people are thinking im weird i bet. I also confuse myself when I talk, im guessing its because of what i just said a sec ago, and its to the point where people think im talking nonsense.I like to control people as well sometimes because I cannot control myself, but I try, but i just cant. Theres two more problems, sometimes I think im the ugliest person in the world, and someties I think im very pretty. Then other times I change my mind on my beliefs, where people think im a liar. The last problem is is that sometimes the past doesn't bother me at all, then I get really mad about what they did to me in the past. I know I am overly sensitive, but I had never been like this before. People sometimes refer to me as the next Lisa Rowe from Girl, Interrupted.
I have also been on various medications. Ive been on Remeron, Zoloft, Risperdal, Lithium, Paxil, Trazodone and right now I am on Wellbutrin SR. For the depression part, its helped me ALOT. But I still get those mood swings, and the feeling of emptiness, but there isnt any suicidal thoughts or threats like I used to have/do. I have also been asked about if i ever thought I had PTSD(Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), Social Anxiety, ADD and more.
I know alot about disorders and about mental health. I just don't know about myself and whats wrong with me. My psychiatrist says that every teenager has BPD, but I dont really agree with that, cause no one else that I know has acted the way I do.
Sorry this was a very long post, I just really need to find out whats wrong with me. I can't tell my counselor everything cause i either just dont get to it, or im not ready to talk about it, cause i think i will embarrass myself.





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