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I do- I get a new friend and then after a while-I stop calling and start making myself "unavailable" for them to reach. It is not an intentional thing but lately - as I am on meds and trying to heal I see this pattern I have always had. I am a great friend-when I am one.

My drs and researching on the web- say it is a trust thing-when I feel like I am getting to close to a friend or boyfriend I automatically and unintentionally push them away. I can see that clearly now and hope I can change it now I see it. It has been over a year since I had a friend or boyfriend. I sometimes get lonely and wish I had someone to talk to but I just switch channels in my head and start reading on here-or researching.

I guess this site is my friend-lol
Caytie
When you say it is not intentional, do you MEAN to keep in touch with them, but just forget, are busy with other things etc? Or do you deliberately stop getting in touch with them because you are afraid they are getting close?

Because if it's the first one (you want to stay in touch but forget or are busy) it's not particularly typical of BPD but the second one, while you may not INTEND to lose them as friends, breaking contact with them IS deliebrate.
Oh my gosh, Caytie!! Your post is soooo me. It's crayzie! I was just diagnosed with bpd yesterday and I was scared and posted in the bipolar threads, because I did not know this one was here. I was doubting my diagnosis, but maybe he's right!!!

But I am the exact same way as you, except it's very difficult for me to realize that.
My friend (whom I mentioned in a previous post) used to do that to me. She'd just kind of cut me off for months at a time. It used to hurt my feelings, then it made me mad, then when I learned about BPD, I just got used to it. Now I just let her have her space. LOL.
I have bpd and I do the same thing. The interesting thing is that two of my friends also have bpd so it's like a battle between the three of us. One will talk to me for two weeks straight online and then disappear for a month. The other will talk to me just about every other day on the phone and then we won't speak again for about 2 to 3 weeks. It's a never ending cycle. I do believe that it does have a lot to do with trust and not wanting to get too close to people. :nono:
My husband has BPD and I see this happening to him alot. Most of his friends are family so it is a double issue. He has uncles that he spends time with. If one of them is sick he will back completely off in fear with the reality that that person will someday die. In his younger relatives, he once in a while lets his true personality show in front of them, becomes somewaht embarrassed and then will back away. It is very very hard for him to sustain relationships.
[QUOTE=Time2Heal]I do- I get a new friend and then after a while-I stop calling and start making myself "unavailable" for them to reach. It is not an intentional thing but lately - as I am on meds and trying to heal I see this pattern I have always had. I am a great friend-when I am one.
[/QUOTE]

Isn't this part of the very definition of BPD?

I don't have it, but I had a roommate who did, and she did this same thing, over and over.
I feel I have no friends. The old ones dont call anymore and the new ones are usually people who are interested in romance. Im sick of being without friends.....
I was diagnosed with bpd and today I disagree with the doctor who gave me that diagnosis.

It's true that I forget to call someone back but then I've always have problems with memories.

At least two doctors have decided I have bpd and the mental health in my area would not help me just because they *think* I have it.

I don't usually forget so that's a way to disprove that I have bpd.
[QUOTE=deaflegacy]I was diagnosed with bpd and today I disagree with the doctor who gave me that diagnosis.

It's true that I forget to call someone back but then I've always have problems with memories.

At least two doctors have decided I have bpd and the mental health in my area would not help me just because they *think* I have it.

I don't usually forget so that's a way to disprove that I have bpd.[/QUOTE]
Could you please explain to me why forgetting to call someone should be related to BPD?!?!

In borderline you actively reject people and see them as all evil as soon as they make a small "mistake" or say something you dislike, than you feel all alone again and desperately want them back again. That has nothing to do with forgetting to call people!
Right here man. I have been doing that for years and years and I have lost a lot of great friends because of bpd. I have screwed up wonderful relationships, you name it.
It's really hard not to when your brain is just functioning at that level. I usually end any friendship or relationship if they do one thing I don't like and I say to myself well they aren't worth my time forget it and completely cut them off...
I wont even answer their phone calls and change my number if I have to. Part of BPD is not really knowing who you are or where you fit in, and you have to know who you are to know who you want around you, that's why people with BPD have such a hard time keeping people around. I can't say it gets better, but I have never been on meds for it and it still plagues me.

Also, yes you really do want them around, but you feel forced to cut them off or create a situation to get rid of them. I still have dreams and temptations to become friends again with people i cut off long ago, but I have too much pride, it's very odd.
call them, forget pride. let them in. wait a lot of time and get to know people very well before you trust them, and dont have your expectations too high. most people are not mind readers and us borderlines need to understand that and not put all our eggs in one basket. inevitably it all comes back to us and until we regard ourselves as important and we truly care what happens to us, the rollercoaster ride continues. all aboard!
I too do the same thing. I suffer such bad separation anxiety that whenever I feel that I am getting close to someone, I fear losing them to the point that I unconciously do things to draw them away from me.

Unfortunately, I have also started to do this with my counselor (a big no-no!) But luckily, she is used to it, so she knows how to snap me out of it.

With some behavioral therapy, I think it will eventually become easier to handle these situations. Hang in there!
I do this too.I also have BPD and have no friends anymore.I just have my husband and kids.I also do this with my family too.I hate being alone but I intentionally make myself alone.it sux and it furthers the depression and social phobia.I'm a complete mess and I hate it.
How strange. My daughter has bpd and rather than dropping friends she smothers them. She "drops in on" these people each day to the point that some have told her, "you come over too much." But then, those same people will turn around and call her, some endlessly. It's like They have bpd also. None of her friends seem like friends to me. They all "use" each other. They can't just enjoy being together, talking, joking. It's more like, "ok; what have you brought me today and/or where will you drive me today." It is possible that her friends have bpd also. They are usually one or more of the following at any given time: a) threatening to sue you; b) threatening to kill someone; 3) demanding she bring them a hamburger; 4) saying they may get arrested at any time 5) are running from or lying to authorities 6) I won't say. :yawn:
Then she says, "YOU DON'T LIKE ANY OF MY FRIENDS." Yes, this is true. But I don't have the Guilt about not liking them she thinks I should have. She thinks we're "all equal" and all have good qualities and no one is "better than" anyone else so she'll bring them over to our house knowing full well a couple of them Steal on a regular basis!! I don't get it :confused: I feel almost like she is pushing them up into my face and saying, "love this human being, mom." :confused:
All I can think of is that she feels, "if my mother likes this person he/she must be AOK." So any idea I had of being happy and relaxed in my Golden Years does not exist.
*sighs* i have soooo many friends i miss.. sooo badly.. i tend to go through friends rather fast.. with me though they tend to decide im not who they thought i was and decide they dont want anything to do with me.. or.. i dunno.. i just totally forget they exist for ages on end.. alot of the time i run from them thinking im not good enough for them... or, i decide that they are below me.. but thats generally when they realize that im not who they thought i was...

right now though.. im lucky to have two very good friends.. well, if you count verbally and emotionally abusive part of a good friendship.. were all three borderline and im still wondering how we have stayed friends for so long.. maybe because we all want to help each other, even as we want the abuse that the other gives us... i dunno..

someone whos healthy though.. yea.. i dont have any of those friends
Hi Caytie, its nice to know other people have this problem. I can't keep friends either, at least not close ones. I never knew I was causing the problems until I was diagnosed. I only found out i had BPD yesterday and now my life is clicking into place. I couldn't work out what was wrong and I had been searching for that perfect friendship all of my life. I am forty years old and have been struggling with the symptoms the whole time. i am extremely lucky as i found my soul mate at 18 and he has stood by me through all of the horrors and pain. Now I know, perhaps I can change how i deal with people and situations. I start psychiatric care next week for long term therapy. Hopeully this will help and talking to others and knowing you are not alone seems to give some comfort. If you need someone to talk to, I will be here to listen and perhaps we can help each other. Take care, i hope everything works out for you. Give yourself a break and don't be too hard on yourself. Kerry.
I have few friends but many acquaintances. I can be around a person for a few hours but then need to be alone. It makes no sense really as I do find myself lonely a lot of the time. As a young chlid, I never really spoke and as I got older, people would tell me that they found me to be anti-social.

I don't like too much noise. I would rather deal with people on a limited basis (i.e. you call if you need something specific or have something specific to tell me) and pretty much shut down when I'm not interested. I hate to feel that I am stuck in a situation where I cannot exercise my right to be left alone. I find it almost traumatizing.

Here's the kicker: I'm also a parent with a talkative child who can't seem to stop talking for a minute. We are completely different in demeanor and although some people think it's just hillarious, I wonder if my nature of being quiet and needing to reflect and listen rather than talking etc., is hindering her potential? I'm not one of many words on a good day but I don't want to come across as uncaring with my child. That is not the case. As she speaks of the different meanings of the word 'land' I head off to dream world thinking about her interests and why they are what they are. I think we're both analytical but she is far more comfortable speaking than I.

I'm not a robot; I do try to engage as much as I can (and I doubt that anyone can top my child in speaking). But there comes a time when I need silence or I need to be alone. Sometimes, I can't even stand to hear the phone ring. I've been in situations where I had no choice but to not be alone and at those times, it's almost automatic that I tune out. I literally shut down and stop listening. I've caught myself on video during a time like that and it looks like I'm daydreaming or something. I knew it was bad but not that bad.

As a child, some people thought I had hearing problems or joked about autism. Now, I could be in a conversation with someone and when I've had my fill of 'socializing' I tune out, either asking them to repeat themselves or pacifying them with an 'uh-huh'. My close friends know when I'm not listening, they tell me that it seems like I'm miles away. When they ask me what I am thinking, it usually has absolutely nothing to do with what they are speaking about. There's sometimes a trigger that sets me off analyzing or wondering about something that for the general population is of no interest.
I have an awful time. I'm fairly friendly and outgoing-I have a ton of aquaintences but very few close friends. It seems like I'll make a really intense bond with one person, they piss me off & I feel insulted, so I ditch them completely, then I feel bad about hanging out with any of their friends. It's not just people I go through, but whole social circles/jobs.

I also get scared of calling people, because I think they don't really like me or aren't available. Or if someone does call me I can't get up the nerve to call them back, then it gets to be 2 weeks later and I'm afraid they're mad I never called them, so I still don't call them.

Then it seems like the few friends I CAN make are also really unstable and never return my calls.

I also feel like "normal" people will judge me or not relate to my problems so I blow off the responsible white collar types.
i have bpd and my problem is more like "smothering" - a few of my friends have just left without giving me a reason and i've been very hurt by this, so much so that i now avoid making new friendships because i just assume they will leave me and i will be in pain...

a few people have also told me that they cannot tolerate me - my moods, my depression, my "issues". they don't want to be sucked into the pool of "crazy" - so they leave...

i guess...yeah, i have a problem keeping friends...
hmmm..my first attempt to add to the thread and i screwed it up...

anyway, i tend to smother people - getting too close, too fast...and that freaks them out. they in turn leave, probably running and screaming...

other people have left me for no apparent reason - they just cut me out of their lives...

finally, some people (including my sister) have said they cannot tolerate my moods, my depression, my "issues", so they leave me...

i've had a lot of friends leave me...and it hurts every time.
I can relate so much to everyone's stories on here. I have never been able to keep friends. The friends I usually do make are battling very similar demons, and the friendships are intense for a while, and then turn non existent. I've never understood it myself, but after years of tumultuous relationships with both men and women, I found a counselor that finally seemed to hit the nail on the head... BPD. And we are working through things, albeit very slowly. It is a trust issue. I can't tell you how many times I've purposely withdrawn from people though I didn't WANT to do it. I just couldn't pick up that phone or answer that email.

There have also been many times where friends have simply 'dropped' me, and it is devastating. But us borderlines tend to view things in such black and white terms- friendships are all or nothing. Right now in fact, I'm dealing with the loss of a friendship that meant so much to me. It's never easy.

These boards are a great source of therapy. It's nice to feel like people can understand.
OK I am having some problems dealing with a ton of people like this. I cannot determine if this problem is ME or if it is them. I am the one who is really friendly and nice and then I think I am getting involved with a bunch of tough minded borderline people.
Do you keep people at an arms length and not give them a chance to explain themselves? If a person likes you do you start getting verbally sadistic, cold and disconnected, and say rude and nasty things to them so that they back off ? Then in a few weeks denie everything and pretend nothing happened?
What is an example of "smothering people" and "getting too close too fast"?
What does that mean?

Other people have left you for no apparent reason. Hmmm maybe they are borderline? They felt you were terrible because you said one or two things that they disliked.

[QUOTE=magicbluefairy;2854438]hmmm..my first attempt to add to the thread and i screwed it up...

anyway, i tend to smother people - getting too close, too fast...and that freaks them out. they in turn leave, probably running and screaming...

other people have left me for no apparent reason - they just cut me out of their lives...

finally, some people (including my sister) have said they cannot tolerate my moods, my depression, my "issues", so they leave me...

i've had a lot of friends leave me...and it hurts every time.[/QUOTE]





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