It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Personality Disorder Message Board


Personality Disorder Board Index


I'm just finding out that I suffer from BPD. I'm starting therapy again tomorrow night. I think I'm going to lose my boyfriend because of my horrible horrible actions. I cry all the time. About the slightest little things. Or I literally flip out. Crazy. And I can't get a handle on the WHY of any of it. I don't know why I feel so insecure and small but at the same time come off as if I think I'm better than every one else. I don't like myself anymore and I hate the way I treat the people I love. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to get my boyfriend to understand what's wrong with me. He's threatened to leave if I don't get help so many times, that I really think he's going to do it. No therapist has been able to diagnose me properly and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I know it is frightening and you feel like you're not doing enough, but that is totally not the case. BPD is very misunderstood and even being diagnosed with it myself I am still learning what exactly is going on with me.

A big thing with bpd is severe, unexplained mood swings. They come out of nowhere and are usually frightening for both the sufferer and the friends/loved ones. Sometimes the mood swings can be anger, sometimes fear or sadness.

The biggest thing I deal with is a constant emptiness...a feeling like there isn't anything inside, no happiness, love, etc. I also have lost the love of things I once loved, like music and art.

another thing to remember is bpd causes an unreasonable fear of being abandoned. And as wierd as it sounds, to avoid being abandoned, a bpd will avoid that person in order to avoid being abandoned.

Doing nice things for him are good, but not going to be enough to really help both of you through this. The big thing to remember is that is may be very, very afraid of losing you...that is why he pushes you away. He doesn't want to be hurt. Just try to remind him how much he is loved, and how you aren't going to leave him no matter what. It will help him to feel a little more comfortable around you.

Good luck and hang in there....

X hugs X -angel :angel:
Thank you Angel, I feel bad for you, losing the love of the things like music and art. It sounds like you are also depressed.
I know what you say about telling him he's loved and all. That's what I've been reading about, the fear of abandonment. But I don't know if it will ever be enough. One guy (non-BP) says of his wife (BP): Trying to fill the black hole of emptiness inside her is like trying to fill the grand canyon with a water pistol....only difference is, the grand canyon has a bottom.
I haven't told him I love him in a long time. It started feeling phony, like I wasn't being true to myself. Why would I tell someone I love them, when they're treating me bad? I guess I relate it to rewarding them for bad behavior. It's hard to tell him I love him, when I don't really like him lately.
Hi Angel :angel:

I've been borderline for over 2 decades, I am in recovery. I will try to help you if you want.

You said: [COLOR=DarkOrange]A big thing with bpd is severe, unexplained mood swings. They come out of nowhere and are usually frightening for both the sufferer and the friends/loved ones. Sometimes the mood swings can be anger, sometimes fear or sadness[/COLOR].

I have taken many many medications to help with the mood swings. Presently I am on Cymbalta, Lexapro and Topamax. Cymbalta is an anti-depressant, good for diabetics. Topamax is an anti-seizure medication that is also used to prevent migraines (that part doesn't help me at all, I still get migraines), but it also helps to stabilize mood swings. Lexapro is an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety.

When I had severe cycling (mood swings), I was on Celexa, depakote, zoloft, etc... I was on so many mood stabilizers, that I didn't have moods. You have to find your happy middle....hang in there.


[COLOR=DarkOrange]The biggest thing I deal with is a constant emptiness...a feeling like there isn't anything inside, no happiness, love, etc. I also have lost the love of things I once loved, like music and art.[/COLOR]

I understand. "Who am I? I don't feel like doing anything What do I care about? These are questions I used to ask myself about all the time. You try to fill the void, but as Rose said, there is NO bottom. For me, awareness and education were the answers. I studied and studied bpd, I read everything there was to read. Fortunately for me, I live near a medical university, so I have access to their extensive medical library. That was before the internet. There are MANY groups, sites, message boards, blogs, out there than can help you. Since I'm not allowed to recommend any specifically, I'll tell you to do a search for borderline personality disorder and you'll find them in the top ten sites listed.

[COLOR=DarkOrange]another thing to remember is bpd causes an unreasonable fear of being abandoned. And as wierd as it sounds, to avoid being abandoned, a bpd will avoid that person in order to avoid being abandoned. [/COLOR]

Yes, it's easier to push a loved one away, then have that loved one leave you. I hate you, don't leave me... like the book title explains it wonderfully.

I hope I have been helpful. If you would like more detailed info into BPD, I'll be happy to supply it for you. My journey through life with BPD has had it's share of roller coaster rides. I'm enjoying being off the coaster for now, however, I'll never know what may put me back on it. Understanding, acknowledgement and educating yourself about bpd is the best thing you can do for yourself. In addition to having someone who understands and cares and is educated about bpd, to talk to.
Hi Rose:

Yes the roller coaster analogy is the best way to describe bpd, and I agree that it is ironic that Tim would say that about a relationship. However, the most important thing is NOT that you're together in the end, since bpd has no end. What really matters is the journey, the understanding, the caring, the communication, the love. It is a very rare individual that can manage all of these when in a relationship with a borderline. And if someone can't manage it, there is nothing wrong with walking away. Walking away takes a very strong and self-knowing person. You must know that you love that person and will love that person for the rest of your life. You must be willing to make more than just a life long committment, but you must be willing to sacrifice everything, AND not get lost in the process.
Hello Angel, Rose & Nakita,

One of the things I read about in my Stop Walking On Eggshells workbook was about being a disappearing person. I related to this in a big way. In trying to please my husband, time with family/friends became a total rarity. He wanted me at his beck & call constantly and in an effort to make him happy, I found myself sucked into this trap.

He'd get irritated if a girlfriend called me at 7pm. At first I thought my phone conversations were distracting to him while he was watching tv - so I would go into the kitchen to talk on the phone. I ended up being accused of being sneaky & secretive. I remember he once yelled at me when I got off the phone with a friend. I'd noticed his scowls while I talked with her for only about 10 minutes. When I got off the phone, I asked him what was wrong. He glared at me and said, "This is MY time with you!" Before long, my only contact with girlfriends was primarily through phone calls & emails during my work days.

When he began complaining about me not getting home on work days until 6/6:30 because of me stopping at my elderly mom's to walk the dog, etc., I changed my work hours from 8-5 to 7:30-4:30 to try to avoid the conflict by shaving time off.

So, Rose, I understand what you're saying about sacrificing everything all the time. My self-esteem and self-respect began to plummet because I felt like I wasn't the person I used to be...the person my husband was supposed to have been attracted to in the first place. I did not assert myself and establish the appropriate boundaries. Instead, I ran through the days/nights like a crazy woman - always with one eye on the clock. I tried to adjust myself continually to each & every complaint he issued...and no matter what I did to resolve an issue he had with me, there'd be a new one to take its place.

So Nakita, you are right...in that you cannot 'lose yourself' in the process. I wish I'd known back then what I now know today. I'm not sure it would have made a difference, but I may have handled things a bit differently. The psychhologist told me that I have bent over backwards & forwards trying to please this man to no avail. I needed to hear that from a trusted outsider. So now I guess I'm at the crossroads with this relationship. I love him and I always will...I just don't feel my husband is as in love with me anymore.

Lori





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:08 PM.





© 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!