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Ever since I finally found out what is wrong with me..everything is starting to make since.........but it still hurts. Everyday I'm a different person.....which makes me feel so lost. My dreams, goals, personalities, friends, and morals change every day.....I'm never the same...It's so confusing.

I hate my friends one day, then I cry when they aren't around the next. I go from leave me the f*** alone...to 'don't leave me plllleeeease.' It is just so frustrating to go through life not knowing who you are...or how to deal with it. My friends are really supportive...but I can see and feel the discomfort I cause them when I'm around. I can tell that they are watching what they are saying...afraid to upset me. I just wish I never told them...*sigh* Life is so hard being bpd....
BPD causes a strong attachment in people, along with a strange mistrust of the same people. He fears losing you to the point that he can't let go even when it is over. I have had many times where I've lost friendships simply because I couldn't except that it wasn't a "relationship" anymore. I didn't want to except that we were JUST friends.

Anyway, as bad as it sounds, I know the one thing that may make him go away, but it will hurt both of you....if you are ready to do this...The only way to free yourself from a bpd...is painful. You need to give him a reason to not trust you. Make him mad/scared of you...make him not want you. Yell at him if you have to get the point across. Make it VERY clear that you don't want to be in a relationship at all with him. It may take a lot of force for him to accept it...but you gotta do it.
I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I know it is frightening and you feel like you're not doing enough, but that is totally not the case. BPD is very misunderstood and even being diagnosed with it myself I am still learning what exactly is going on with me.

A big thing with bpd is severe, unexplained mood swings. They come out of nowhere and are usually frightening for both the sufferer and the friends/loved ones. Sometimes the mood swings can be anger, sometimes fear or sadness.

The biggest thing I deal with is a constant emptiness...a feeling like there isn't anything inside, no happiness, love, etc. I also have lost the love of things I once loved, like music and art.

another thing to remember is bpd causes an unreasonable fear of being abandoned. And as wierd as it sounds, to avoid being abandoned, a bpd will avoid that person in order to avoid being abandoned.

Doing nice things for him are good, but not going to be enough to really help both of you through this. The big thing to remember is that is may be very, very afraid of losing you...that is why he pushes you away. He doesn't want to be hurt. Just try to remind him how much he is loved, and how you aren't going to leave him no matter what. It will help him to feel a little more comfortable around you.

Good luck and hang in there....

X hugs X -angel :angel:
Hi Angel :angel:

I've been borderline for over 2 decades, I am in recovery. I will try to help you if you want.

You said: [COLOR=DarkOrange]A big thing with bpd is severe, unexplained mood swings. They come out of nowhere and are usually frightening for both the sufferer and the friends/loved ones. Sometimes the mood swings can be anger, sometimes fear or sadness[/COLOR].

I have taken many many medications to help with the mood swings. Presently I am on Cymbalta, Lexapro and Topamax. Cymbalta is an anti-depressant, good for diabetics. Topamax is an anti-seizure medication that is also used to prevent migraines (that part doesn't help me at all, I still get migraines), but it also helps to stabilize mood swings. Lexapro is an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety.

When I had severe cycling (mood swings), I was on Celexa, depakote, zoloft, etc... I was on so many mood stabilizers, that I didn't have moods. You have to find your happy middle....hang in there.


[COLOR=DarkOrange]The biggest thing I deal with is a constant emptiness...a feeling like there isn't anything inside, no happiness, love, etc. I also have lost the love of things I once loved, like music and art.[/COLOR]

I understand. "Who am I? I don't feel like doing anything What do I care about? These are questions I used to ask myself about all the time. You try to fill the void, but as Rose said, there is NO bottom. For me, awareness and education were the answers. I studied and studied bpd, I read everything there was to read. Fortunately for me, I live near a medical university, so I have access to their extensive medical library. That was before the internet. There are MANY groups, sites, message boards, blogs, out there than can help you. Since I'm not allowed to recommend any specifically, I'll tell you to do a search for borderline personality disorder and you'll find them in the top ten sites listed.

[COLOR=DarkOrange]another thing to remember is bpd causes an unreasonable fear of being abandoned. And as wierd as it sounds, to avoid being abandoned, a bpd will avoid that person in order to avoid being abandoned. [/COLOR]

Yes, it's easier to push a loved one away, then have that loved one leave you. I hate you, don't leave me... like the book title explains it wonderfully.

I hope I have been helpful. If you would like more detailed info into BPD, I'll be happy to supply it for you. My journey through life with BPD has had it's share of roller coaster rides. I'm enjoying being off the coaster for now, however, I'll never know what may put me back on it. Understanding, acknowledgement and educating yourself about bpd is the best thing you can do for yourself. In addition to having someone who understands and cares and is educated about bpd, to talk to.
Hello Angel, Rose & Nakita,

One of the things I read about in my Stop Walking On Eggshells workbook was about being a disappearing person. I related to this in a big way. In trying to please my husband, time with family/friends became a total rarity. He wanted me at his beck & call constantly and in an effort to make him happy, I found myself sucked into this trap.

He'd get irritated if a girlfriend called me at 7pm. At first I thought my phone conversations were distracting to him while he was watching tv - so I would go into the kitchen to talk on the phone. I ended up being accused of being sneaky & secretive. I remember he once yelled at me when I got off the phone with a friend. I'd noticed his scowls while I talked with her for only about 10 minutes. When I got off the phone, I asked him what was wrong. He glared at me and said, "This is MY time with you!" Before long, my only contact with girlfriends was primarily through phone calls & emails during my work days.

When he began complaining about me not getting home on work days until 6/6:30 because of me stopping at my elderly mom's to walk the dog, etc., I changed my work hours from 8-5 to 7:30-4:30 to try to avoid the conflict by shaving time off.

So, Rose, I understand what you're saying about sacrificing everything all the time. My self-esteem and self-respect began to plummet because I felt like I wasn't the person I used to be...the person my husband was supposed to have been attracted to in the first place. I did not assert myself and establish the appropriate boundaries. Instead, I ran through the days/nights like a crazy woman - always with one eye on the clock. I tried to adjust myself continually to each & every complaint he issued...and no matter what I did to resolve an issue he had with me, there'd be a new one to take its place.

So Nakita, you are right...in that you cannot 'lose yourself' in the process. I wish I'd known back then what I now know today. I'm not sure it would have made a difference, but I may have handled things a bit differently. The psychhologist told me that I have bent over backwards & forwards trying to please this man to no avail. I needed to hear that from a trusted outsider. So now I guess I'm at the crossroads with this relationship. I love him and I always will...I just don't feel my husband is as in love with me anymore.

Lori





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