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I am a recovering borderline. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 15. I am now almost 42. I started seeing a therapist when I was in the 2nd grade when my mother (who has a master's in social work, and presently in private practice) realized that I wasn't making any friends like other kids did. What I remember of 'play' therapy was that I just played dolls and games with a therapist. I had a few friends in the 3-6th grade. 7-9th grade I didn't fit in with the other kids. I didnt want to be a loner, but I didn't have the proper social skills to follow the crowd. In the 9th grade, I started dating some one steady. He was emotionally abusive. By this time in my life, my parents were divorced, my mother was dating the man who was to become her 2nd husband. I wanted so badly to be included in LIFE, that I was willing to do or become whatever it was that my boyfriend wanted. HE was popular, a jock. His parents owned a golf course and were active in local politics. When I was HIS girlfriend, I was popular. I never wanted to be a cheerleader or majorette, but I got to hang out with them, because my boyfriend was best friends with all those girls' boyfriends. I remember going to a slumber party at a cheerleaders house, and the girls weren't interested in ME, but only me as half of one of SUPER COUPLES at the highschool.

By the 10th grade, I was stilll part of the crowd, but only because I was still HIS girlfriend. In order for him to gain better control over me, he seriously took advantage of me one night on his parent's golf course. I didn't realize that I had been raped, date rape actually, I just knew that he said he would dump me if I didn't let him, and so I didn't fight him. When it was over, he told me that EVERYONE would know that I was no longer a virgin, and that I BELONGED to him. I had no self-esteem then, so I stayed with him, submitting to his physical advances whenever he wanted. I didn't want them, I like the hugging and kissing, but I wasn't emotionally developed enough to have a more intimate relationship without damaging my self-esteem further. so I allowed him to abuse me. There were times when he even hit me in public.

I started to 'split' about this time. I fought back, verbally, in front of another couple who were with us at a county fair. He was driving. He slammed on the brakes and hit me across the face. I remember walking in the door, and my mom asking me what happened, and I said 'O nothing much". I was so distrubed by this time that my mother insisted I go see a therapist.

I started seeing my godmother, my mother's best friend, who was also a social worker. Even though it's been years and years since I was in therapy with her, she NEVER told my mother about any of our sessions. To this day, I can still talk to her, and she doesn't even give a hint to my mother. She was wonderful. It took me about three months to tell her about that night on the golf course. She explained that I had been raped, and still being raped by my boyfriend, because I wasn't consenting. She helped me to realize that I was exhibiting behaviors that basically said to other people " Hey, here I am, take advantage of me, yell at me, abuse me, BUT pay attention to me". I still wasn't ready to give up the negative attention, because ANY attention was better than being ignored.

I saw this wonderful lady all the rest of the way through highschool. My boyfriend broke up with ME, which, at the time, was so devasting, I wanted to kill myself. I was withdrawn, cried all the time, and when I wasn't in school, I was in my room, alone. I didn't go out with the few friends I still had left, I never wanted to go to the mall, or the burger joint where all the kids hung out. Highschool was hell. I'm glad it's over.

College was different. I made REAL friends, people who were interested in ME. I studied abnormal psychology. I studied couple communication. I studied Borderline Personality Disorder. I found ME.... I didn't like it, but it was what I was and still am.

Through many disasterous relationships and marriages (3 divorces), I found that I can be myself, bad with the good, and be in a normal, non-blaming, non-obsessive relationship with someone who REALLY loves ME. No matter how I feel about myself, no matter how I act out. He is ALWAYS there for me. He is my rock. AND I don't feel that I wouldn't still be me, if we weren't together.

I have worked through many BPD workbooks, read many of the books on BPD. My present husband has read all the material on supporting and loving someone with BPD. He is an expert. The best medicine is his hugs. I can rant/rave about Nothing, eventhough it's important at the time, and he still won't fight with me, he just hugs me. We have been together for five wonderful years, married for two.

I was medication free for about three years, but went back on meds in January of this year, when I started having panic attacks. I was diagnosed with diabetes and hypertension about a year ago, and managing those in addition to my job, which I no longer have, was making me have the panic attacks. In July, after five years of working for the same company, with them knowing about my BPD and other conditions, I was fired for violating their attendance policy. I had been hospitalized for chest pains the three days before I was fired. I am now receiving unemployment, and thinking of filing for Social Securtity disability, since the thought of going back to work is too much for me right now.

There are NO therapists in my area that are experienced with BPD. In fact, I have yet to find one since my godmother. I spent several years educating other therapists on BPD, but I grew tired of paying them to counsel me, when they knew basically nothing about my disorder.

I find all my info online. I belong to several BPD support groups. AND I find that the BEST therapy for me is to help others with BPD or those who love/care for someone with BPD.

I have found there is NO cure for BPD, but one can begin recovery for it. Just like an alcoholic cannot be cured of alcholism, they can be in recovery.





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