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Personality Disorder Message Board

Personality Disorder Board Index

Yesterday I met with my psychologist. After talking for a while we ran through a personality test which differentiated between schizoid, avoidant, narcissistic, etc. I answered yes to every question regarding schizoid. I left this office feeling somewhat enlightened, but by the time I got home and was really able to think, it hit me. I realized that I have felt these symptoms since I was a child, and how awkward it made me feel. When relatives died, I didn't cry or feel any loss. When I found out I had cancer, no tears. I laughed. I feel so alienated from my family, and when I get down to it, I don't even want to be close to them. I'm currently in an intensive therapy program for depression, and I find the group sessions to be incredibly unsettling. As most schizoids are, I'm terribly uncomfortable with emotions, and there's a lot of crying going on. I feel like I should be affected by the sheer amount of pain floating around, but I am so numb. I don't know how to act. When I try to be "emotional," I feel robotic and out of place. My therapist pointed out that I am very distant, frozen, unaffected. He wants to see me laugh, get angry, cry. I [U]can't[/U]. In my mind, I can picture EXACTLY how I want to be, but it never transpires. I'm 20 years old, I've never even been close to having a relationship and I'm afraid I never will. Many times I've said that I don't want to get married, that there was just something about me that wouldn't permit it, and I don't WANT that close, constant interaction. I mean, I guess I should be happy, because this diagnosis affirms what I've suspected for a while, but there is just so much self-LOATHING, hatred, utter disgust. I can feel it in my gut. Why do I have to be sooo immature and uncomfortable and fragile and ODD? What a way to go through life! I'd like to hear some other stories if you guys have any.

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