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Hi Rose,

No need to apologize for venting. We need our 'moment' to sound off as well. ;) Believe me, I understand COMPLETELY how you're feeling - angry, frustrated, worried, hurt, disappointed and disgusted. I experience those feelings simultaneously each and every day myself.

I haven't picked up the actual SWOE book - just the workbook, which I just haven't had the ambition to pick up and work on for about 2 weeks now. Manipulation is manipulation in my eyes. I don't mind bending a little to accommodate someone's issues, but I will not sacrifice my entire self to feed their issues. Like you, I'm an understanding, compassionate and patient individual. It gets tiresome to feel like no matter how much you 'give', it's never enough. And, in my case, I never seem to get anything back - other than insults and criticism. One of the things the psychologist told me long ago that had a strong impact on me was this: Frank's issue is just that - HIS issue. It's not mine to take responsibility for. That's just the simple truth. He further told me to stop 'mothering' him so much, which I was already starting to do. I'm a caretaker by nature, but by the time the psychologist told me to stop playing mommy to force Frank to take care of himself, I was already getting fed up with the lack of appreciation & gratitude for things I'd been doing and quit being so 'giving' towards him.

I'm not surprised to hear that Tim contacted you. I thought he would. My husband had another similar situation where he claimed to quit his job due to continual conflict. Of course, his boss called with his hat in his hand 'begging' him to come back, too. It's good that you are holding to your boundaries - I'm proud of you for that because I know it's not easy at all. Maybe you could offer to go with him to see his counselor? Just a thought because at least that way, you'd know for certain whether or not he's really seeing a counselor for one thing. My husband made a lot of promises to get counseling and never came through on them. If he were to call me today right this very minute saying he was going, I would actually have to see it to believe it.

You hear the same accusations I continually hear...that I ruined his life, etc. Isn't it funny though how they seem to want to stay in touch with us in spite of that accusation? I'm sure you'll agree that if you or I really felt someone was 'ruining' our life, we'd want little or nothing to do with that person. :) It's like a big game that goes in a circle.

Try not to be disgusted with yourself. Not many people understand completely what we're dealing with. You and I are just now learning ourselves. Just hang in there and stick to your boundaries as best you can. I will try to check in with you during the weekend at some point. I just don't want to go online when Frank's likely to be on because it hurts to see that I'm being ignored, written off or whatever this 'silence' period is.

Lori :wave:
Hi Rose,

No need to apologize for venting. We need our 'moment' to sound off as well. Believe me, I understand COMPLETELY how you're feeling - angry, frustrated, worried, hurt, disappointed and disgusted. I experience those feelings simultaneously each and every day myself.

I haven't picked up the actual SWOE book - just the workbook, which I just haven't had the ambition to pick up and work on for about 2 weeks now. Manipulation is manipulation in my eyes. I don't mind bending a little to accommodate someone's issues, but I will not sacrifice my entire self to feed their issues. Like you, I'm an understanding, compassionate and patient individual. It gets tiresome to feel like no matter how much you 'give', it's never enough. And, in my case, I never seem to get anything back - other than insults and criticism. One of the things the psychologist told me long ago that had a strong impact on me was this: Frank's issue is just that - HIS issue. It's not mine to take responsibility for. That's just the simple truth. He further told me to stop 'mothering' him so much, which I was already starting to do. I'm a caretaker by nature, but by the time the psychologist told me to stop playing mommy to force Frank to take care of himself, I was already getting fed up with the lack of appreciation & gratitude for things I'd been doing and quit being so 'giving' towards him.

I'm not surprised to hear that Tim contacted you. I thought he would. My husband had another similar situation where he claimed to quit his job due to continual conflict. Of course, his boss called with his hat in his hand 'begging' him to come back, too. It's good that you are holding to your boundaries - I'm proud of you for that because I know it's not easy at all. Maybe you could offer to go with him to see his counselor? Just a thought because at least that way, you'd know for certain whether or not he's really seeing a counselor for one thing. My husband made a lot of promises to get counseling and never came through on them. If he were to call me today right this very minute saying he was going, I would actually have to see it to believe it.

You hear the same accusations I continually hear...that I ruined his life, etc. Isn't it funny though how they seem to want to stay in touch with us in spite of that accusation? I'm sure you'll agree that if you or I really felt someone was 'ruining' our life, we'd want little or nothing to do with that person. It's like a big game that goes in a circle.

Try not to be disgusted with yourself. Not many people understand completely what we're dealing with. You and I are just now learning ourselves. Just hang in there and stick to your boundaries as best you can. I will try to check in with you during the weekend at some point. I just don't want to go online when Frank's likely to be on because it hurts to see that I'm being ignored, written off or whatever this 'silence' period is.

Lori :wave:
Hi Lori :wave: ,,

It has been beautiful in WV too. I've been outside a lot. But not because of the weather. My mother took me out to breakfast Sunday Morning and it was very nice. She didn't pressure me in any way, which is a big change.

Yesterday was a day from hell. I almost completely lost it for good. I was at home, minding my own business, when my niece, the older married one, came to the door with a supply of needles for my Byetta pen. I have been out of needles for about a week now. I didn't ask for them, but our doctor asked my niece if she knew if I needed anything. Amber said she thought I needed needles. Nice right? You'd think. About 20 minutes later, my SIL calls complaining. "I didn't think someone could bring medication to someone else from the doctor" I told her I didn't know what she was talking about. Amber brought me needles for my Byetta pen, but not medication. I told her I'd been using the same needle all week. She said, well you don't have to get smart with me and hung up. Amber is 18, not 14 like Tiff. AND I didn't even ask for the needles. I didn't know my doctor had any, she didn't the last time I was there. I didn't even KNOW that Amber went to the doctor yesterday morning. Well Larry marches over there to show his sister the needles, that they can't really be used for anything else, and that they were in a sealed, un-opened container. She calmed down, but NEVER apologized to ME about the incident.

I totally blew up! I cried and carried on. I could NOT calm down no matter what. I was slamming the gate on the fence, we never close the gate between the houses, I was sooo angry and frustrated that I couldn't stop crying. Even when I was going to take Amber to the store, I couldn't stop crying to drive, Larry had to drive. Amber thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Then my hip went out. I could barely walk. Neuropathy from the diabeties. Never damage to the most senstive parts of my body, my hip, knee, ankle and shoulder. I couldn't find any Xanax. I needed Xanax.

THEN, the brake on the front passenger tire went out, I mean completely. Larry took the tire off and not only is rotor and the break pads bad, but the wheel bearings and caliper are shot too. I can't possilbly replace all of that at once.

My daughter came in for a quickie visit, and her friend drove me to the autoparts store to buy the pads and rotor. I walked down to get my brother in law to help Larry with the job, but my hip was hurting soooo much that it took me over an hour to walk back the 2 blocks from his house. No one there offered to drive me up the hill. My other sister in law, her husband, and her daughter were there, they all have cars, but are VERY VERY stingy about gas, like charging someone for a full tank, when only driving them 1/2 mile. I didn't ask for a ride, I couldn't afford it, but no one offered either.

So I've learned that I can do tons of favors for my sister in law and her son with cancer. I can give up my life, I can lose my un-employment check, I can have my utilities shut-off since I can't pay them, I can run errands for them, make phone calls for them, coordinate the home nursing for them, make doctors appointments, do Jon's infusions nightly,, BUT NO ONE is willing to HELP me, when I need it. Can't even do a favor that I didn't even ask for!!!

so I go over to Mary's to do Jon's infusion last night as usual, and Mary acts like nothing happened. I'm so sick and tired of this treatment. She prentends that nothing even happened, not that my whole day was ruined, not that I screamed and yelled at my husband, since there was no one else to yell at. Didn't even acknowledge there was a problem, when Amber told her that I couldn't even drive since I was too upset.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Larry is going to put his foot down eventually. What good will I be if I land in the hospital for a stroke or worse because of this treatment. Every day, Mary finds some way or some thing to yell at me for and I'm not going to take it anymore. But I can''t quit either. Who would take care of Jon? Who would keep track of the blood work, the nursing care, the teacher's visits? Who would go to the hospital and stay for 5-14 days at a time? Not any other family member, that's for sure.

Lori, I don't think you are being unreasonable with wanting Frank to make his own personal business calls.

Listen, one of the shut-off notices I've received was for my internet service, and if I don't come up with the money by the 14th, I won't have internet anymore, or satellite TV or telephone either. They are all combined together with my phone bill. I don't have $438. I'm calling them today about payment arrangements, and I hope they will work with me, but I have other things to pay, electric, water, and now natural gas, since it's going to get cold again. In addition to rent, I don't think we will make it.

So I'll try to talk to you everyday or so until I lose my service or go back to the hospital. What am I going to do without you and Rose? there's no others that I can vent to without repercussions....I need you both so much.

Lauralee





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