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I have been living with my wife (BPDer for quite a long time) for about two years. She has gone through friends like she goes through her moods, but one thing has been very prevalent in her life....she consistently chooses people to befriend that are much like her. In other words, she, like most anybody, chooses people to be in her life who are like-minded as her. Now that we have established that, let me tell you that she has never been monogamous in a relationship, no matter how serious the relationship was. She has always cheated, for various reasons she found it convienent to believe. And she has always found her way into the hearts and minds of other "like-minded" people (they all cheated too, imagine that). On top of all this, most of her friends show most of the signs/symptoms of BPD, giving them the perfect way to 'support' her while encouraging self-damaging behavior ("life is terrible", "they don't love you right", "you are right in your actions"....stuff like that). She cheated with some and flirted with cheating with all the rest of them.....yes, even the women, when she found them attractive.

So do all BPDers cheat? Of course not. It wouldn't be correct or respectful to "label" people in any one category like that. Is it common? For the most part, yes. The disorder is a living hell, and anything that can take that edge off, even if it's momentary, is a viable option for them. I don't know if your BPDer cheated on you, but I wish you a world of fortunance in dealing and understanding your situation. It is a good question, and you have every reason to ask why. Thanks for your quesiton.

STzenn
To be totally honest with you, I never, EVER, considered staying with anyone who would cheat on me. Then again, I spoke without ever having actually been in the situation. All things considered, I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave, I wanted to scream at her, I wanted to hurt her and her "adulterers" the way I felt hurt. In the end though, after letting myself and my heart really take the information in, I realized I didn't want to leave her...I love her. She is confused and she is deeply troubled. I don't feel sorry for her, I want to help her....so I stayed. I want to know if we can make it and I had always felt that if anyone could stand by her while she attempts the impossible, it was me. I'm not sure exactly what made me stay, I just knew my heart didn't want to leave. I still don't know if it will work out with us, we are just taking it one day at a time. She has found a DBT clinic here and has scheduled to begin treatment very soon. In the meantime, I am making efforts to clear the air and rid ourselves of all the "not so friendly" friends that seem to be lurking around.

And you're right, the trust has been broken....it may never be repaired again, I don't know. What I do know is that today is a new day and a new chance to make things right. Even if we have to start over, I want to try with her. If we can't make an honest effort this time, then we have no hope together and then we will know for sure that we could never have been. This is what I have come to accept for myself, I don't necessarily suggest it for anyone else, it's just what has seemed to work for me.

And i hope you are right, I hope he hasn't cheated on you....no one in this world deserves that, NOBODY. To have your heart handed back to you in pieces is a terrible and ugly thing that no one should have to feel, but that is life. Hopefully, a part of life that you will not have to endure.... I wish you good fortune with your situation though. Keep coming back and keeping us updated. It's always good to hear of a situation that didn't turn out as bad as your own........lol. Little BPD humor.....

What are your thoughts?

STzenn
It is a rough road, and I wish all of us the best. The strongest wishes I have are for the people who suffer and WANT the support and WANT to understand and resolve the problems with themselves and who are DOING something about it.
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STZenn -I agree so much with your above statement (I wasn't sure how to copy, maybe with the quote button, but I copied and pasted).
That brings me to my current problem. Tim has invited me to his counselling session, next Tues. He told his counselor that I think he has BPD, brought the book, they went down the list....and the counselor says he doesn't have it.....BS so I don't know how to proceed. If I push the issue, what is the point...just to PROVE that I'm right? If I don't, the problem will not get addressed properly. He didn't answer the question honestly, and of course I can't blame the counselor. I just don't know why they want me there....I think it's so they can tell me I'm insecure. That's what he told me the counselor said....LOL :rolleyes: what a joke. I will go and see, but I'm not sure how I'm going to feel after wards.
Just curious, because you mentioned it, I'm hoping you don't mind me bringing it up. You said you're a drug addict. Do you think that is part of why you stay with her? How bad is your addiction, if you don't mind me asking, what is your drug of choice, and are you trying to quit? You don't have to answer if you want and I apologize in advance if you think I'm being too nosy. I myself am addicted to pot, but haven't really addressed the issue or taken steps to stop. Maybe one of these days...The addictions board here has some really supportive people that really care and pull together for each other. You might want to check it out.
I hope your wife does accept the help she is being offered and really uses it to make a positive change in her life and in your marriage.

Lori - I know exactly what you mean about slamming you and then closing with I love you.....that's why the title of the book "I hate you don't leave me is so PERFECT." Thats what angers me, it's manipulation. They spew toxic venom and then follow it up with I love you and that's suppossed to erase the effects of chernoble.....poison. I am just distancing myself so much to protect myself. I've emotionally detached. I don't know why I just don't cut it off. Someone once said, if you pull a bandaid off quick it hurts less. I know that's true, but I keep pulling it off slowly, torturing myself and probably him, justifying it because I don't want to hurt him.
STZenn -I agree so much with your above statement (I wasn't sure how to copy, maybe with the quote button, but I copied and pasted).
That brings me to my current problem. Tim has invited me to his counselling session, next Tues. He told his counselor that I think he has BPD, brought the book, they went down the list....and the counselor says he doesn't have it.....BS so I don't know how to proceed. If I push the issue, what is the point...just to PROVE that I'm right? If I don't, the problem will not get addressed properly. He didn't answer the question honestly, and of course I can't blame the counselor. I just don't know why they want me there....I think it's so they can tell me I'm insecure. That's what he told me the counselor said....LOL what a joke. I will go and see, but I'm not sure how I'm going to feel after wards.
Just curious, because you mentioned it, I'm hoping you don't mind me bringing it up. You said you're a drug addict. Do you think that is part of why you stay with her? How bad is your addiction, if you don't mind me asking, what is your drug of choice, and are you trying to quit? You don't have to answer if you want and I apologize in advance if you think I'm being too nosy. I myself am addicted to pot, but haven't really addressed the issue or taken steps to stop. Maybe one of these days...The addictions board here has some really supportive people that really care and pull together for each other. You might want to check it out.
I hope your wife does accept the help she is being offered and really uses it to make a positive change in her life and in your marriage.
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( I copied and pasted too.....lol) As far as the hubby and his denial goes, and this is just a flat out obvious thing to say, that is some bad news. There really isn't any right answer for you, in my opinion. So you go and say what you need to say, as long as the counselor asks the right questions, and you come out looking like an insecure, paranoid, ego-maniac with relationship problems if the counselor doesn't see what you see or your hubby has done a good enough job in "hiding" his real self in therapy. Or you just don't address it and it won't come up and you spend the time with the counselor talking about how you are not really insecure and you attempt to justify a relatively balanced self-image and healthy mindset towards your partner......furthering the problems that would be unaddressed towards the hubby. Neither situation has a positive outcome when looked at in those terms, but the truth as I see it has only one solution. You have to do what you have to do and you don't know what the counselor or the "session's" purpose is yet and you won't until you get there. I would take it easy and focus on the reality of the situation and take it as it comes. If it's gonna be bad, make it as good as you can and say what you have to in order to live with yourself. If it's gonna be good you can be a positive influence on the situation by speaking what you know to be the truth so that maybe, just maybe your hubby can get his problems addressed properly. Either way, you can't dictate that outcome, but you can't give up hope either just because you don't have the power to control the future.....ya know? I feel for you though, it's an awfully tough situation to be dealing with and your husband has taken an immense effort to hindering his recovery which inevitably makes things much more difficult for you, and that is very unfortunate. Do what you have to do, and nothing more....that is all I can say for that.....that and best wishes for you, all of our strength is with you!

To answer your questions, and no I don't mind at all, but thanks for asking though.... I don't think I've stayed with my wife because of my drug addicted nature. As a matter of fact, if my addiction and lessons learned as a result have done anything to influence my marriage, it has been to know when to fight and when to throw in the towel. I tell my wife all the time about my past when I was struggling with this situation or that and myself in the middle of it all and how I came through by realizing the truth of it and my part in [email protected] things up around me. It worked like this, "If you act like an *******, people will treat you like and *******", and if you don't like the way people are treating you, then change the way you treat people......"yeah right" she says. No, my drug addiction has strengthened my resolve and has made me realize that I don't need my wife to live or to be happy, but that as long as I might make a positive influence on her or even possibly "with" her, then I should try. Besides, through all those years of drug addiction, sometimes the only thing I had left to hang onto was the fact that someone in this world believed in me and would never give up on me unless I gave up on myself, and that really hits home with my wife. If she's not ready to give up, then neither am I. But as soon as she says, "I quit", then I know that there is no use sticking around to wait for the walls to come down around us....

I have smoked just about everything you can smoke (even a dead roach killed with RAID once, that is actually a rather terrible story behind it believe it or not), snorted just about everything you can snort (money problems saved my life with this method of drug delivery to the body), and swallowed just about anything you can swallow (I know for a fact that I can swallow as many pills as can fit into my hand on the first try......uh huh, it got bad for a while). I really never had a favorite or a drug of choice, it was pretty much first come, first serve, and I was never too choosy. Cocaine was fun but never lasted long enough, pot was cool but got old too fast, and pills were great but there were never enough....so I really can't choose a favorite. I will say this though, never, ever, under any kind of circumstance, smoke crack. Most people don't need to hear that, but just in case the opportunity comes along and someone makes it seem not so bad....DON'T DO IT, please! Anyways, as long as I was coherent enough to put it into my body, then it was good enough for me. I never tried suicide or thought that I was subconciously trying to die, but I wasn't scared of dying either and I knew that what I was doing was cheating death, at times, far too close and too often. I did stop using drugs when I joined the military, but I just substituted alcohol in the place of drugs and had a few years of battling with that before finding AA with a buddy of mine. Now I've been clean and sober for over two years and I love the life I have. The twelve steps are good, but I know there are other ways to get sober and clean, but for most people it's the only way. The kind of will it takes to get sober and clean without the twelve steps is not found usually in the people who find themselves in programs like AA, NA, SA or any of the rest.

Does that answer your quesitons? I hope I was helpful and if there is anything else you wanna know, don't hesitate to ask. Good luck again and don't worry, we are all with you!

STzenn
Hey Rose! I wasn't sure if you or the others would remember me....lol I am doing fine, with many challenges of course, but my wife and I are always "on the hunt" for solving whatever problems arise. She constantly has to stay on top of her behavior and therapy, which can be stressful for the both of us, but we are happy and healthy. Thank you for asking! I'm back here after a long pause (you know how the military is) and I apologize for staying gone so long. How are you? The family? It looks like you're up to your wise ways out here, helping all over the place. I know I said it before but thank you again for being a part of something so important to me in my life when I needed it most.

I still see all the posts of "run now" and "get away while you can" all over the place, which I totally understand when dealing with BPD....but you know how I am....I will always be an advocate of trying to work it out when it's possible. It's just too bad that most of the time it's not. I am ever grateful for my wife's strength to fight, my strength (thanks to wonderful people like you) to support her, and our strength of love to stay together during the hell we had to travel through.

I am excited to hear of your situation and how well you're doing????

Stephen
[QUOTE=STzenn;3270094]Hey Rose! I wasn't sure if you or the others would remember me....lol I am doing fine, with many challenges of course, but my wife and I are always "on the hunt" for solving whatever problems arise. She constantly has to stay on top of her behavior and therapy, which can be stressful for the both of us, but we are happy and healthy. Thank you for asking! I'm back here after a long pause (you know how the military is) and I apologize for staying gone so long. How are you? The family? It looks like you're up to your wise ways out here, helping all over the place. I know I said it before but thank you again for being a part of something so important to me in my life when I needed it most.

I still see all the posts of "run now" and "get away while you can" all over the place, which I totally understand when dealing with BPD....but you know how I am....I will always be an advocate of trying to work it out when it's possible. It's just too bad that most of the time it's not. I am ever grateful for my wife's strength to fight, my strength (thanks to wonderful people like you) to support her, and our strength of love to stay together during the hell we had to travel through.

I am excited to hear of your situation and how well you're doing????

Stephen[/QUOTE]

Hi Stephen,
Well thanks for saying I helped you. I'm usually one of the ones advising to Run now while you can....LOL
In your situation at least your wife is trying to manage her condition and that makes all the difference in the world. I haven't been in a relationship since the one with the BPD ended Dec 2005, but the psycho STILL calls me, IM's me, etc. I don't pick up and I don't respond. That last relationship really did me in I think.....I'm not even interested in looking for the next one. That's ok, I'm enjoying being by myself. I've got a new pug puppy, Louie and he's keeping me very busy! I'm training him in obedience and agility. I guess maybe I will just be by myself from now on. It's so much easier and much more peaceful!
:angel:
I don't blame you or anyone else who advises "turning tail and running", it's the smart way to go with BPD in 99% of all cases....nothing wrong with that. My wife is one of the chosen who wanted to seek help and was willing to do the work (most of the time...lol), and I am ever grateful to her in keeping our love alive and strong. I'm glad to hear that you and "him" are well away from each other and that you are happy now that you are away from his pain which he would most surely try to turn into your pain. I do hope one day him and all the rest of those living with and around BPD find hope, help, and solice from the deep depths of pain that it can cause. And THANK GOD for the peace!

One more thing, it doesn't look like too many people are very involved with the site and threads these days.....??? Any thoughts on this?
Well you know better than most that you don't have to "deal with ANYONE'S BS" if you don't choose to. Though we are human and we all like feeling loved more than being alone, as long as there is truly love there. I can't blame you at all for not wanting to be in a relationship....I NEVER wanted to be in a relationship before it fell in my lap, much less married! Especially after dealing with BPD for so long and after so much pain, it's probably best if you take a looooooooong pause and let the emotions regulate again before taking any action in pursuing a "significant other".

I had a question......what happened to Nakita (Lauralee)??? Why is she banned???





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