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Hi STZenn,

Thank YOU for the kind words of wisdom. Like you, I am trying to hang on but grow so tired each time the road leads back to here, this particular point in time. Every time I think I'm being strong, I can feel myself crumbling and growing so discouraged deep down inside. It's a difficult, frustrating road as you are well aware of.

I do know that I love my husband. I do know that his treatment of me is the product of an illness. My frustration is getting him to see that HE is the problem. On one hand, he admits his anger issue and that he grew up in an abusive home environment. When he does this, I think to myself, "OK - this is great. Maybe now we are getting somewhere." THEN I will read his words in his email telling me that he doesn't understand my persistence with the marriage counseling - because between 2 counselors, he saw no progress. I want to scream at him that's because he only showed up for 2 sessions, aired his 'dislikes' about me and quit coming. He never stuck to the process to SEE any results. I felt as though he plopped me down in a chair in front of a psychologist, more or less asked the man to 'fix' me and left me there. What a lonely feeling, especially when you learn through the counseling sessions that YOU are not the one with the problem. I'm sure you can imagine how much I cry inside every time I think about this. This is not "teamwork" or a "partnership" in my eyes. Even if the problem did lie with me. It feels so unfair. That's not what marriage is supposed to be.

Most recently my husband emailed me asking me for a list of the reasons that are keeping me from living with him. It was all pretty much outlined in the letter I'd mailed him in mid-September. I wanted to tell him to read it again and his two subsequent responses that dripped of hostility and that if he still did not see 'why', then he should take them with him to show to a counselor and maybe that person could help him see why I'm happier at my mom's. The other thing I thought of doing was doing a copy/paste from the emotional abuse web sites I've visited (which describe him oh-so vividly) and ask him to look over the information and then go back to our recent correspondence.

I give your wife credit for at least giving the counseling a try. Hopefully she will reap the benefits of the counseling. In turn, this will benefit you as well. How did she come to decide to pursue this? Was it based on anything you said or did? If she made the decision on her own, what made her realize the need for it? Just curious. I often wonder if I could possibly be taking the 'wrong' approach to all this with my husband.

Thank you for the good wishes. I continually teeter between staying and leaving. My husband does just enough to keep that little flicker of hope burning inside of me. I hope you can continue to be strong and patient as well. You are right when you say that we need to focus on ourselves to ensure our healthiness.

Lori





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