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I have been living with my wife (BPDer for quite a long time) for about two years. She has gone through friends like she goes through her moods, but one thing has been very prevalent in her life....she consistently chooses people to befriend that are much like her. In other words, she, like most anybody, chooses people to be in her life who are like-minded as her. Now that we have established that, let me tell you that she has never been monogamous in a relationship, no matter how serious the relationship was. She has always cheated, for various reasons she found it convienent to believe. And she has always found her way into the hearts and minds of other "like-minded" people (they all cheated too, imagine that). On top of all this, most of her friends show most of the signs/symptoms of BPD, giving them the perfect way to 'support' her while encouraging self-damaging behavior ("life is terrible", "they don't love you right", "you are right in your actions"....stuff like that). She cheated with some and flirted with cheating with all the rest of them.....yes, even the women, when she found them attractive.

So do all BPDers cheat? Of course not. It wouldn't be correct or respectful to "label" people in any one category like that. Is it common? For the most part, yes. The disorder is a living hell, and anything that can take that edge off, even if it's momentary, is a viable option for them. I don't know if your BPDer cheated on you, but I wish you a world of fortunance in dealing and understanding your situation. It is a good question, and you have every reason to ask why. Thanks for your quesiton.

STzenn
Hello Stzenn, Lori and Rose:

Stzenn, you may not have read any of my previous posts, I am a 41 y/o married female, with 2 grown children. I was diagnosed, correctly, with BPD when I was 16 years old. I struggled and struggled, ranted, rages, self-abused (mostly sexual and financially), destroyed good relationships, looked for bad relationships, and tried to kill myself with my self-loathing behavior. I have been divorced 3 times. I chose men who would abuse me, even though I did a pretty good job of abusing myself. I've been through most every type of therapy there is for BPD, even educated several counselors and social workers who didn't have experience with BPD. I've been on and off of so many medications for BPD that I can't count them all.

I hit rock bottom at age 37. I was finishing college, finally. I was doing good. We had a great marriage, communication, sex, money, house, kids were great, etc...I ruined it all. I became interested in a 24 y/o girl at college. I thought I was HELPING her. She was being physically and mentally abused by her husband. I'd been there, I'd helped other women. I wanted to help her. We became friends. We talked on the phone, had classes together, had lunch and sometimes dinner together. I became obsessed. Thoughts of her controlled my every moment. I wanted her with me all the time. I loved my husband very much, but all of a sudden (it seemed at the time), he wasn't enough. I brought her to live in MY house, in my basement bedroom, when her husband left the state to attend a mechanic's course. I still believed that I was HELPING her. Little did I know that she had problems of her own, OR that MY husband would become interested in her. Now she was the same age as my husband's sons 23 and 25. So it NEVER crossed my mind that he would see her as anything else but a woman that was too young for him. I never thought that he would develop a sexual interest in her. I never believed that I would develop a sexual interest in her either.

BUT....I came home early one day to find them in bed together...I woke up in the middle of the night to find them both in OUR bed with ME....My husband said that he LOVED her as MUCH as he LOVED ME! I broke....crumbled,,,crashed to hell....

Then, they played with me... they convinced me that NOTHING was going on between them, that I imagined it all. That I was crazy.... I bought it. I believed it, the pressure to believe them was so great. Some how I was having delusions of them having an affair right in front of me. Delusions!

Delusions don't leave panties on the floor and stains on the sheets. I screamed and cried and carried on so much that the neighbors eventually called the cops. My children, ages 12 and 14, were terrified. My daughter walked in on them once and NEVER told me, she didn't want to hurt me...(she eventually told me after we separated)

He left ME, because he could no longer handle my emotional problems. He said HE wasn't strong enough....This was MY ROCK Bottom. I couldn't move, I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't take care of my children..thank GOD there were intelligent enough and mature enough to know I was sick. My son called my doctor and said something like, Mom's not right....can you help? She actually came over and drove me to the office.

I don't remember what happened for three months, exactly... My husband left me, moved into a motel. The 'girl' moved into another motel. I was still obsessed with both of them. I fell and dislocated my shoulder and hip and spent several days in the hospital. This was a good thing.

I am now in a healthy, wonderful relationship. My present husband, Larry, educated himself on BPD. I told him before we met about my 'condition'. We met through an on line service. We talked on the phone for hours before we finally met. He lived across town from me. ( I live in a small town in WV).

I am in RECOVERY. I haven't had an 'episode' in over two years. I still live life on a roller coaster, but the up's and down's are much more level now than ever before. I had a period where I was un-medicated and therapy free, of three years. I am now medicated again, but that's due to anxiety and stress that is unrelated to my BPD. I don't WANT to backslide.

I, and Larry, understand that I will NEVER be cured. I am recovering. I often compare BPD to alcoholism or drug addiction, as one can not be cured, but can be in recovery. I am AWARE. I have educated myself on my problem. I realize that I cannot control the feelings I sometimes have, BUT I CAN control my ACTIONS. I can wake Larry up in the middle of the night and talk his ear off till I feel better. I can beat my pillow until there is no pillow anymore (we go thru a lot of pillows). I can go for fast and furious walks....I can hug Larry, he's a big guy, as hard as I can till the anger is gone.

I don't know if my story has helped or not, but I want to let you and anyone else know, that it IS possible to be in recovery with BPD. I live a fulfilling life. I am HAPPY! I couldn't say that before age 38. I can help others and try to do so whenever there is an opportunity.

Ask me anything. I am an open book and want to help.





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