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Hey Angel and jungl, it sounds as if the two of you are dealing with some pretty stressful situations right now....sorry to hear it. My wife is dealing with her BPD and also undergoing DBT therapy (only for a couple of weeks so far though). Her situation is very much like the both of you (escapism, disassociation with friends, inevitability in destroying ANY relationships). Being married to her for a couple of years and taking an active part in her therapy has taught me a few things that maybe will help the both of you.

First of all her so-called "friendships" were really just a group of people that were 'enablers' in her life. People who thought much like she did and MOST of the time took her side or didn't really care what she was doing outside of their company. They supported all the wrong things she did in her day to day life and even pushed her in the direction of what she called "thrill seeking activities" (in other words, dangerous situations which she enjoyed as long as she felt the rest of the "gang" was behind her). They truly did not care for her problems, other than discussing how screwed up all the OTHER people were in her life, and they didn't know who she (my wife) really was. My wife convienently left out the more 'problematic' and 'root causes' of her innermost life, causing those around her that she trusted (people like herself who also found it convienent to avoid dealing with their own problems, creating a very deep level in trust in that particular circle) to truly have no idea what kind of person my wife really was. What is the point of all this? The answer is simple. My wife had to begin being honest, first with herself, then with EVERYONE else. If these so-called friends were truly interested in helping my wife, then they would embrace her whether she was BPD, a serial killer, or a Micheal Jackson wannabe. Because that is what real friends are, special people in our lives who love us and want to see us do well in life. It was really hard for her to find out that most of the people in her life were just "fair weather friends" and didn't want the REAL person my wife is, but that was a necessary stage for her, and a very real look at the reality of her life. She is still dealing with this and probably will for a long time, but at least she is ACTING honestly and diligently in resolving these issues instead of avoiding and denying her problems like before. As long as she does have some good solid support from someone in her life, she is gonna make it just fine.....it's convincing HER of that is what the difficult part is. But no worries, life works with you when you're doing something to help it back, you can trust that!

The escapism seems to be an integral part of life for a person suffering with BPD, and a tough one to break. But the DBT should be addressing these things if you are working honestly with your therapist. It was told to me and my wife that the therapy is only as effective as the work we put into it, and the more, the better. It's pretty normal, though, and understandable given all the characteristics of a suffering BPD or it's side affects. Hobbies and interests are only distinguishable from "escapism tactics" by the INTENT of the person acting on their desires. As far as I understand, as long as addiction and avoidance aren't the intent and you have decided to come back to whatever problem you are escaping from, then the acts are okay and even helpful to recovery. But only you can make that call, and only you can do anything about it. But if your therapist is good, then he/she can help bring the issues to light, giving you a firm foundation to make a decision between what is 'therapy conflicting actions' and what is 'life enhancing actions'. Good luck to you on that, addictions are hard to break, but not impossible, not by a long shot.

The whole situation with destroying relationships seems to have everything to do with the "golden rule" (treat others as you would have them treat you). Sounds real simple right? Yeah, too simple. And it's nothing we all haven't heard before. But it gets deep though. Honesty, for instance, is one characteristic that gets thrown under the table in relationships everyday, for a variety of reasons. It would hurt someone or it wasn't the right time are just a couple of EXCUSES people love to tell themselves for not being totally honest with people, especially themselves. The truth is that more we practice this principle, the better and more fullfilling our relationships tend to be. Even if we make mistakes, which we ALL do, it's okay, because no one expects us to be perfect. When things get rough, talk it over with someone, HONESTLY and OPENLY, discussing feelings and desires, as well as good techniques to practice when faced with this situation again. Just remember that you can never, ever get back that moment when you snapped at someone, and you can never change the past once you've acted. But you can make the future better right now by changing things in the present. If you blow up, so what? Apologize right away, not two days later when watching late night t.v., and make an honest effort to make things right. Believe it or not, the MORE you talk about these things with the people you had the problem with, the better your relationship will get and the more fulfilling your life will become because of it. Just my advice from what I've seen, take it however you want.

I truly sympathize with your situations and I know it is difficult. I have been living with these things for quite some time and I know that it isn't easy, not for ANYONE involved. But answers are out there if you want them and this forum is a good starting place for someone suffering with BPD or a loved one of someone suffering from BPD. Lots of good people here who want to help, it is how all of us help better deal with these things, talking about it with each other. I wish you both the very best and please, keep writing in the forum, it does help. Feel free to "vent" anytime....
Stay strong and stay well.

STzenn





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