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Personality Disorder Message Board


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i am diagnosed BP II and I think i have BPD.
I ruin every single relationship. i snap at everyone and keep saying to myself that i wont do it again but its just in the heat of the moment....im always feeling guilty.
i get upset easily, and attached to people sometimes too fast...but then they always leave me.
i used to be a cutter, up until last year (im 20 and i was diagnosed when i was 17) and ive had 5 suicide attempts which have landed me in the hospital.
i get highs and lows especially lows...i have no idea who i am or what i want to be (im in nursing right now only for the past 6 months) and im always changing my mind and going all the way with new ideas and usually abandon them, or get tired of them. i have had countless jobs i dont even remember but a few of them...
i am a shopoholic i cant stop spending money on everything and anything until i have no money. my student loans for a year now that probably totalled around $10 000 are all wasted and i barely remember what i bought with them. im very bad with money and in lots of debt and i have collection agencies always calling me.
i depend on my mom for basically everything (this is hard to say but i do) and i feel guilty for treating her so badly all the time. she ALWAYS has helped me out of everything with money, helping me move in and out 4 times now when everything has gone wrong. i hate myself for that.
im always doing something new all the time i have a hard time concentrating on anything for more than a little while.
i cant describe myself to others i hate myself a lot of the time and on my good days im social and happy and feeling good and i get along with everyone. bad days im depressed, angry and snapping at everyone, and acting anti-social.
everything in my lfe is one way or the other!! im never normal!! i just envy everyone else who doesnt have to magnify every problem..its driving me crazy.
This has been going on for my entire teenage life but i can remember some of these symptoms since i can remember for my entire life. (spending, getting angry, emotional).
am i just a big selfish b**** who doesnt care about anyone but myself or what....normal people dont act like this.

and...my family doctor is managing my meds right now and im sure he doesnt know how to distinguish BP II from BPD, could he?
ive asked for a referral to a psychiatrist but its taking really really long and i feel like im ruining my life every single day more and more.
can i just say "I think i have BPD and not BP II?" is that acting like i know more than the doctor does? what do i do??? hes just going to think its part of BP.
if someone has any advice i would love it im so confused...can anyone relate?? how do i go about helping myself...?
Thanks. Kat





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