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Hi Marysmile,

I've enjoyed reading your advice. I think I've pretty much been implementing it with my husband. In spite of his false accusations and his "you don't care about me" attitude, I continue to trudge on...doing things for him out of love and, of course, always saying it. This has been ongoing for me for almost two years now. We do not live together...for a variety of reasons...his verbal abuse, financial wrecklessness/secretiveness and horrible housekeeping being the primary reasons.

I speak to him daily - either when we spend time together or on the phone. I always offer positive comments and try to acknowledge his feelings, such as when he's had a bad day at work. I no longer focus on the 'drama' with him. I do tell him it must have been awful for him and ask him how he plans to handle it...I pretty much only offer advice when he asks for it. I stop by with carryout and pitch in with laundry, etc. Most would find these to be acts of love, yet with my husband they never seem to 'stick' for long. He will go through a spell of not speaking to me, often for reasons unknown to me for up to a month and then he will eventually tell me the reason. The last time this happened, he accused me of talking to his friend behind his back - and that never happened. Later he said he knew it had not happened but was setting a 'psychological trap' for me. I don't know what that means.

Anyhow, do you have any idea as to how long it takes for someone with BPD to realize that someone truly does love and care about them? I'm sure there's no standard time-frame, but a rough idea will certainly help. Sometimes I feel myself growing frustrated - as though there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

Scared Wife

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