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Personality Disorder Message Board


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I don't know what i am, at first i thought i was maybe borderline as i took tests online and each time it came up saying i had extreme borderline and not quite so extreme histrionic and dependant. So maybe thats what it is. But anyway i will tell you about me and you can decide for yourself. I am 20 (just turned 20 last week) i am kinda small and i guess i am not bad looking alot of people told me they think im hot and i do get alot of male attention when i go looking for it which is often but i have an extremely low opinion of myself, i must see a different person in the mirror from everyone else.

Plus i think im hugely fat but everyone else says i am average. im 5'3 weigh 9 and half stone and im a size 12 occasionally 10 in clothes. In smaller clothes im a 12 but 14's feel more comfy but if i ever have 2 buy a 14 i cry and i cry for ages and take a panic attack which then means i starve myself and obsess about my food intake and excersize untill i have no energy left and cant be bothered caring. Things then go back to normal.

The thoughts that go through my mind...

When at home alone: How i hate myself, how i am lonely and have no friends (even though i do) how i NEED a boyfriend not just want one, too look after me, i obsess about the perfect guy and fantasize about him i then ask my friends to set me up and if that doesnt work i go on wap and chat up guys and arrange meetings to go to the cinema etc then end up sleeping with them on my 1st date even though i say to myself im going to be good and strong and say no so as to make things last, but i never do that!!

When out with my friends: I hate not being listened too i feel unnatractive like my friends are much more superior and i try get the attention away from gemma who is loud and noisy and when that doesnt work i slip into a depression and just dont talk unless im talked to. I sometimes even say stupid things or do stupid things to get all attention on me. if it doesnt work i sulk and wish i was home reading a good book or sleeping, sometimes even dead!!

When with family: I think about the fact that noone understands me, i do and say stupid over dramatic things. It gets on my mums nerves and we argue i then do more stupid attention seeking things like bursting out in tears. I even do that at work if things are not going my way. I must look extremely unstable :'(


When a really nice guy comes my way and shows he is really interested in me for reasons other than sex i get scared and i run i obsess about how he isnt 100% perfect how he isnt as hot as i would like so i would say i am quite shallow, im trying so hard not to be as i do know a lot of really nice guys they just are not "my type" and i wish they were.

"continual seeking for excitement, appreciation by others, and activities in which the patient is the centre of attention" People are only good in my eyes if they are exciting and bring some form of excitement my way. I get upset aswell if i feel i am not appreciated which i often feel i am not!! I also have phases where i try to look the best i can but i then also have phases where i cant care less and just want to hide.

Borderline:

"a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships"

My relationships have always been unstable and intense, i always fall in love with people so quickly and things get very emotional very quickly there is always arguing and it never last long. the longest but also most dramatic ive had was 11 months long and we were always arguing. But i loved him more than life itself.

"impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging"
I am in quite a bit of debt i have a huge notion to spend all the time and always thinking about getting loans to buy things i want but dont need, i sleep about as i said above even when i promise myself im not going to.

"recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood"
I get a bit over the top sometimes and i slice into my arm with anything sharp i can find and ive tried to kill myself (BUT NOT FOR REAL JUST FOR ATTENTION OR RELIEF OR SOMETHING) 3 times, once slicing and teice overdosing.

"chronic feelings of emptiness" I feel really empty like all the time and i just dont want to be here.

"inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger"
My moods fluctuate from being happy cheerfull and hyper to being so down in the dumps it unbelievable and this happens often. I get angry really really easy and often and i snap at people for no reason, i really need 2 stop it or i will end up losing everyone i care for.

Im sorry this is so long but there was so much to be said. please help me!!

Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate





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