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Personality Disorder Message Board


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I have this hysterectomy coming up on Tuesday. And so many things have gone wrong this past week.

Our hotwater heater went out and the landlord refused to replace it. He said if he had to replace it, he would raise our rent by $100 a month. For those of you who know me, you know that I have no income right now, and am living off of saivings while I'm waiting for SSDI and SSI.

Our car is still down, has been since last October.

I've been under so much stress trying to get everything in order and worrying that I will be ALONE in the hospital. My niece, Amber, was supposed to stay with me, but she went off with her ex-husband, she didn't say a word to me about not going, she just left. I've done everything I could for her, going to the doctor and ER with her everytime she needed someone. I've been there when her marriage broke up, and again when she continues to struggle with her own BPD. I always follow through on my promises to her and to other members of my family. Even at the expense of my own happiness and health. I took six months out of my life to help care for my 10 year old nephew, by marriage, when he was suffering from testicular cancer. He's now in remission. Amber is his sister.

I'm so frustrated that I can't get any help from the people that I have helped. I need someone to come over and care for my pets, so Larry, my husband, can come to the hosptial that is over 35 miles away. We cannot leave them unattended for long periods of time. But there is no one we can trust. Sure it was US who took care of everything at THEIR house when the boy was sick, but we can't get the same in return. Sure they would SAY they would help, but when it came right down to it, the pets would be neglected, items would come up missing from the house, or we would find we have no food left.

So Larry will be with me at the hospital on the day of surgery, and he will TRY to get up there the next day, again, we have no working vehicle, and he will come the day that I am released. Again, for those who don't know, Larry is disabled with severe nerve damage to his lower back that extends to his legs and arms and hands.

So with the last minute running around getting stuff. I've been looking for an appropriate nightgown, I usually sleep in a tank top and boxer shorts, and finally found one. Getting enough food in the cabinets, fridge and freezer, so Larry won't have to leave the house when I get home.

And now this hot water heater. My mom gave me one, they kept their old one when they switched to gas, but we have NO idea how to install it. Our friend, who's a contractor, can't get here since he's out of state working. He called to say he was sorry that he wanted to help, but he has no control of his schedule right now. THAT I understand. I've been heating water on the stove, in a big pot, to wash dishes with. I've gone next door, to my SIL's house, when Amber and my nephew live, to take a shower twice now. And I've washed my hair in the kitchen sink and given myself a sponge bath right in the kitchen. I'd take a cold shower, if the water wasn't freezing.

We finally got the washing machine hooked up, and I washed clothes and hung them outside, we have no dryer. It was a very nice windy day, not much sun, but warm enough to dry two loads of clothes.
AND then TODAY.... I somehow pinched a nerve and the left side of my body went to sleep. I still had clothes outside. I was stuck at the kitchen table. Larry had to help me to the bathroom, then to bed. After crying myself to sleep, I woke up with tingling in my leg and arm, now everything feels swollen and heavy, but at least my arm and leg are working again. I think it was the stress.

I have been so teary and whiny lately. It makes me so mad that everything is going wrong, and I can't get any help from the people that I have helped the most. I must say though, that Jon, my nephew, has been as helpful as an 11 year old boy can be.

My landlord makes me really angry, pulling this crap now. We've never asked for anything in the 15 months we've been here. We've always paid our rent on time, we keep the property up, we pay our bills, we've never had the police here to break up fights or parties, ( the previous tennant was a big drinker). The landlord has called countless times for free computer advise, and Larry gladly gave it.

It's hard to explain the politics of this small town I live in, unless you also live in a small corrupt town. Our landlord is a NAME in this town. If he wants us out, for complaining that he wouldn't fix the water heater, he would FIND a reason to evict us. So I can't push him to fix it, since there is NO Where else that we could live for $200/month AND be able to have our pets. Giving up one of my pets would be like losing a child. Plus, I know that the landlord is wanting to move his buddy back in, I'm not sure why, the guy was a pig, and late on his rent.

I wish he would just want to sell this house, and I would beg my parents to buy it, and then let me buy it from them. But it needs so much work..

sorry, off track...

I'm not in very good control of my emotions right now. The weird thing is, and it bothers me, is that my blood sugar is right on track. I'm diabetic, and I have been struggling to get my glucose levels under control. For some reason, my levels have been wonderful. Even today, with the extra stress, my highest was only 145. Last month, my highest was 205!

so tomorrow, my husband's cousin is going to come and he and Larry are going to try to figure out the hot water heater. The problem is that this heater is taller and bigger than the broken one. There is copper piping and electrical stuff. My step-dad can't help, because he has to work 12 hour shifts.

I'm also going to have a 'dry run' to make sure that everything I will need is within reach from my recovery bed. We have a set of walkie talkies charging up, so I can get Larry whenever I need him.

O yeah, did I mention that my phone line is out, due to bad wiring by the previous tennant, and when the water heater leaked out, the line got wet and it's ruined. We have internet, but no phone. We got some hook up from one of those companies that uses the DSL line for a phone line also, so we have weird phone number temporarily.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind! I can't sleep at night. My mind won't shut down. Larry and I have been fighting. We don't do that. Then he does what he usually does and makes me laugh. We'll be ok, we're both just frustrated. He's at the playstation now taking out his frustrations on some game, while I'm here taking mine out on this keyboard.

thanks for listening.....

lauralee





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