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Personality Disorder Message Board


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I understand totally your situation.....and why you feel I am so far off the mark or confused. I grew up much the same way, made fun of, ridiculed for being different in a million different ways, manipulated, controled, thrown around and beaten emotionally or verbally or physically.....so on and so on. This is why I understand what you're saying. Try to look at the simliarities in what I've been saying to you, not the differences. Try not to look at it like I'm trying to convince you of something or prove you wrong, I'm only trying to give you a perspective of how my experience (very similar to yours) has resulted in my perception of what and who I am today. I can't tell you that you're selfish and self-centered or that you have a problem. I can tell you that I've done the very same things and I did it because I have a problem. Depression, worry, anger, isolation, seperation, envy, jealousy, control, guilt, and shame were all the results of my selfishness and ego-centric nature.

The hard part is this, that we all have instincts and those instincts want us to be accepted and loved and understood and so we can have all the great things in life: career, raises, praise, spouse, lover, money, status, respect, skills......etc... The problem with me is that obsession over myself.....not the things I could get. Sure, I want a raise, but what I really want is my way. Sure, I want a cute girl, but what I really want is my way. Sure, I want to be the best in my job, but what I really want is my way. Life was never able to give me what I wanted the way I wanted it, and so I could never find a totall and true happiness, with life or myself. Mostly I was the target of my own shortcomings.....I suffered for what I couldn't do and tryed desperately to learn from anyone who I thought could help me get what I wanted. This, sadly, never worked for long either.

The truth is this, I was always way to caught up in what I wanted to look at what was best. I was always so worried about being the best or not at all that I never looked at how I could help others. I cared so much for myself and what I could get that I never looked at how this affected other people. The real truth is, I am sick, and I needed to change or this pattern would go on until I died.

Think about it like this. If you have ever prayed before, and if you are the praying kind of guy, then how did you pray? Did you pray for health, happiness, peace, recovery, and love? That's normal right? For most people, sure it is, that is what the instincts say is normal. But not for me. I am so caught up in me that I would pray for these things no matter what the circumstance.......I never looked at what was best or what may be necessary for others. So now when I pray, I pray for God's will to be done, simple as that. I realized that I am not God and I cannot dictate the world, so whatever the bigger plan is for me and everyone else, then so be it. Now I simply ask to know what I should do, and the power to do it.

Does it make a little more sense now?......

Stephen





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