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I am so embarrased by my behaviour.

This is more a VENT than anything, so forgive me.

I don't know where to start, so I'll start with relationships.

My mom died when I was very young, so if I find a female, around the age she would be now, I cling like crazy to that person, often scaring them by being so forceful and full on. I constantly contact them and eventually, they have to put boundaries in place to stop me from contacting them! Therefore, I lose the friendship.

I have a terrible relationship with my children, sometimes even being nasty to my school aged child when he says something to me. He doesn't live with me now, none of my children do... they're with my ex. I have trouble loving them and being affectionate with them. When they're sick vomiting, I run a mile and don't go near them until they're well! (I have a fear of vomit)

I am a terrible attention seeker! I constantly seek attention, by telling people I want to commit suicide. Sometimes I DO feel suicidal, but I am not gutsy enough to do it, but I never let anyone know that.

I am as manipulative as someone can get. I can manipulate people into ANYTHING! I come across as sweet and kind, and innocent, but I am so manipulative, I've talked people into doing unbelievable things, and believing me when I tell them something. I reckon I could almost talk someone into believing the sky was purple with pink polka dots!!

People describe me as nasty. I am so nasty and hurtful if I am angry at someone. I try and hurt them as much as I can with my words, then regret it later on.

I use sex as a tool to get what I want. I hate sex, but when I know it will get me something, I use it, and boy can I act! I've even used it for attention. I have charged men for ****** me, even when it is not true and I have consented! Then I drop the charges, and pretend like it's just "too much" to handle. I have also done prostitution, and loved every minute of it, because of the drama involved with it.

I am a pathological liar! I lie about EVERYTHING! I can't tell a story without adding something "extra" on the end of it to make it more dramatic. (I'm not doing this now, don't worry!) I've lied about medical conditions, I've lied about mental illnesses, and I even lied about dying one day!!! (Emailed someone pretending to be someone else to tell them I had died, to see their reaction!)

I don't see any in betweens. Like.. yes, I like you as a friend. NO, you have to love me, and love me NOW!
I can't handle rejection, or being abandoned. I recently ended a 6 year relationship with someone, and the minute it was over, I started with my suicide crap to try and manipulate them into coming back. It didn't work!!

One minute I am a happy person, the next, I am thinking how much I want to die! One minute I love someone, the next I'm trying to figuire out how to hurt them, or start a fight with them so I can get some drama and hurt them too.

I am a sick person. I mean mentally sick. I hate living like this. I am NOT proud of what I have done, and needed to be honest somewhere anonymously.

I hate my life! I want it to get better! I want to not suffer and make others suffer!

WHAT is wrong with me!?

How is this for honesty eh?!!?





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