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I don't really know where to start... It's like I'm two people. There's this part of me that is light and love's people and is social and loves music and art and has this bright future and goals. Then there's the part that scares me. For the first time I am looking at the two parts as two very distinctly different sides of one person instead of just me being emotionally multifaceted. I just thought I was maybe bipolar or just had severe mood swings. But this side of me... I just read this novel and it turned out in the end one of the characters was a sociopathic killer type. Now, I am by no means a murderer. But when something makes me mad... I can feel this rage i have in me just boil in my blood and when my heart begins to pound in my chest and I get... not angry... so far beyond that. Simply livid. And that's when I know it's not out of reach for me to kill someone. When I lay in bed at night and think... if I think about something I did to embarass myself or when I screwed up... there's this flash in my head to me either painting my walls red or cutting myself or shooting myself in the head. That side of me is so cunning, I can turn cleverness, humor and charm on with a switch. I lie many times every day. I can lie to anyone... and pretty much have. And I've perfected it so its like I change my persona. Once in class we did this pupil test to tell when people were lying and nobody could tell with me and I just thought it was funny. It's actually more convincing of a story when I lie. people don't believe me and accuse me of lying when I'm telling the truth more often than not. But more, I always make these big plans for things... I've always known that about myself... I had no idea it was a symptom of a sociopath. I draw out plans, do the math and finances, plan for everything. It's always out of reach. I have notebooks full of them complete with sketches and tips and everything. Also, I have this nomadic thing where I need to move every few months. Its like my life depends on it. If I can't move I have to change all the furniture in the house around to make it feel like I did. Otherwise I can't sleep or think or function. And I often get this intense craving for power that just runs rampant. I manipulate everyone. I always say I just have a few good friends instead of a lot of semi-close friends. It's so not true.. I can hardly keep the ones I have. I find myself hating them and yet loving them when I got back and forth and they can never put up with me always being so up and down all the time. who can blame them though, right? I also have to fight these feelings of I deserve this I deserve that because of what I've worked for or been through. Now, I truly did have a hideous childhood. There are actually huge chunks of it I have absolutely no memory of, which scares me a lot, but for the most part, my dad forced me to play sports. sounds not so bad right? I was forced to swim 363 days a year for two hours a day for nine years. From age four until 13. The only reason I had to do this was because my siblings did. I am the youngest, was always just kind of overlooked ya know? He was the kind of person that was completely indifferent to everything. I was attacked once when i was 14 and my face was swollen and i had cuts all over my body and when he saw me he just started yelling at me about not cleaning the kitchen, etc. he never said anything. my whole life i've craved someone that felt real and would protect me so i wouldn't have to do it myself since such an early age. all the while my mother was completely in denail as she is to this day. my siblings share the feeling of always having to have money, power, and rank to be worth ****. One is a drug addict and one is obsessed with sports and has always been the one trying to please him. Since i was eight people have always said i have this strange maturity (im not flattering myself, this isn't the kind you want.) and sayint it was like i was old almost. It's because i was shoved out of a childhood and into this dark place where it was coping mechanisms and survival. My dad beat us emotionally and physically evey day. Everything was mind games and these rules no one else knew but us. If you left a dish in the TV room you had 30 days solitary confinement as he called it. you were alone in your room for a month. I know this has a lot to do with who I am now, but I think it's also just genetics. his side has a lot of problems. But anyway, another symptom I'd started noticing a few years ago was absolutely no conscience. at all. none. Nothing I do makes me the least bit remorseful. I cheat on a test, nothing. I accidentally insult someone and make them feel like ****, nothing. all i think about is if they'll try to get back at me and then I get paranoid about what they could do and what power I'd given them. Also, (and this is a little too personal but, oh well, I'm being honest) Im pretty sure I'm addicted to sex. I hear that being messed with in that area when you're a kid can do that so I'm really starting to wonder if something like that happened. Also I'm extremely irresponsible. I have been fired from 2 jobs already. Its like it truly does kill me to care. I just can't make myself care. Its like i know I need to get one but I know I'll just slack off after a while and then get fired or quit. I have a huge amount of sick days. I always have... especially with school. Its like I can't be reliable and no one can count on me yet it upsets me so much when someone is angry with me. Its like I even have to have complete strangers approval to be okay. Now, I am writing this as the "good" side of myself. I heard that sociopaths never know that they're a sociopath or something... Now, since I'm writing this, I'm suspecting it, but I truly didn't even wonder it until today and want to cautiously get some opinions regarding it. Please don't be cruel just because its obvious I'm kind of a ****** person. If anyone knows that its me. But please do be really honest. I need to hear if you think I need help or an evaluation. Im so afraid this has been too programmed in to correct. Thanks for reading.





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