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Personality Disorder Message Board

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Where do I begin.

Well, through my life I never thought I would suffer from anything like depression etc or BPD. I was always a happy child but I was also very emotional and sensitive. Though my childhood was not easy as my mother suffered severe depression, so did my brother and I have now found out that it runs in my family through my mothers side. My father did not suffer, but I did hear that when he was a child he was SO stressed that his hair would fall out. Nowadays, he doesnt really express how he feels and even when my mother was at her worst, he kept to himself and I would have to take care of my mum. Eventually it got to the point where she was attempting suicide by cutting her wrists and I found her each time that she attempted this. It seemed like I was the only one concerned for her and as if her life was my responsibility.

I thought I had coped fairly well with the ordeal..but soon after I started to unravel. I wasnt allowed to talk to anyone about what was going on..and I obviously couldnt talk to anyone in my family as none of them were suitable to help.

Ever since then, I have struggled with my moods alot...

I then went through a traumatic situation with my boyfriend which drove me to a nervous breakdown. But even before that point I was definately struggling in myself emotionally and mentally.

After my nervous breakdown I started self mutilation as I couldnt express what I was feeling to anyone and obviously didnt know how to cope as I never had any good coping role models. I started cutting, threatening suicide whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would chuck tantrums become violent and angry. One point I turned to was just a big mess.

Fortunately by the grace of God, the cutting has stopped. But I have turned to biting my nails instead which I guess is a more "socially acceptable" thing to do, but I was told it was still considered self-harm from my counsellor.

Now though, I definately struggle in my mind. I get overwhelmed easily and I have impulsive aggression which leads to all this behaviour. Whenever I get frustrated or upset..I just escalate really quickly.

And something I have found weird...I will often ask my boyfriend the same thing over and over again...he will tell me something reassuring..and it will be dealt with and I'll feel better...but then it comes back again, its like logically I know it was dealt with and settled but its as if my mind plays tricks on me and makes me feel like the issue I have was not ever talked about or dealt with, does that make sense?

For example, I will bring up something that is an issue for me to my boyfriend, we'll talk about it and it'll be dealt with..but then maybe a day or 2 later...even though I logically know it was dealt with, my mind will convince me that it wasnt and I'll just become irrational.
I dont know if that makes sense..but...I definately sense that that is not right....Most people can process information..and its as if I cant!! or if I do, it'll only last for a day!!

What is wrong with me???!!!

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