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Personality Disorder Message Board

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I am a 22 year old female who just recently started posting on the boards and I have noticed that this thread is filled with posts regarding people who have had to "deal" with others who suffer with BPD.

After reading a book about Emotional Abuse which also contained a lenghty chapter about Borderline Personality Disorder I found that so many of the symptoms describing BPD were the same as symptoms I have experienced since my first relationship when I was 16 years old.

I have only acted out towards two boyfriends (my very first and my current boyfriend) I have had out of about 6 serious relationships. These were the two boyfriends who have treated me the best, but have also enabled my behavior. My other relationships were with controlling men or men who had even worse mental problems than me (narcissistic?) so I was always on my best behavior with them or I dumped them.

A month ago I tried to see a therapist because after this past year that was filled with rage/distrust/anger (mostly while intoxicated) episodes with my current boyfriend--I knew that this was something I really had difficulty controlling. I wanted to get HELP! I want to save my relationship and myself. I only had one session with the therapist because I felt that what he was saying was incredibly insulting--that I was "lucky" that I had anyone, etc. It hurt to hear that and it hurt even more when he re-scheduled my second appt without informing me. I stopped seeing him after that.

In my current relationship, I have problems with my bf's past. He was promiscuous for the two years before he started seeing me and it breaks my heart because I just wish that he was with me to begin with--of course I know that's not possible.

His past haunts me and his first gf he was with years ago also bothers me--she was also a very manipulative person who told me lies a few years ago when I first met him so that I would not start dating him then. I ask him questions endlessly about his life before he was with me and when he puts me at ease, I end up asking the same question again a couple of weeks later. We also went through a point where we admitted that we had lied to each other. That has made things even harder for my trust issues.

When we fight, I always try to leave, break up with him, or threaten suicide but the minute he agrees to ending the relationship or he tries to leave I freak out and want him to stay. I have been intoxicated for most of our fights. I will say mean things to him and he will be nice to a point and then start being emotionally abusive too and that triggers the rage that I have. Sometimes the rage is so bad that I strike out at him and we have left each other with some pretty bad bruises after a few nites of partying (mine are from him trying to hold me down).

I have an appointment to see a psychologist in a couple of weeks, but after reading these posts I am afraid that I will not be able to be helped.

I feel like an idiotic monster that can't be controlled, but when I am not like this I am--for the most part--a really great person.

For others who have suffered from BPD, what have you done? Has treatment (medication, therapy, etc.) controlled your behavior?

I want to get help and I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I love him so much and I feel horrible everyday for the things I have done to him and his emotions. I just feel like when I am angry I black out the wonderful things he has done for me and the wonderful person he is and I just see a monster who hurts me, but really I am the monster.


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