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Things have taken a pretty bad turn for the worst.

I am not sure whether I have BPD or just depression..but I do greatly identify with alot of the BPD symptoms.

I have been on a slow descent into madness..and I want to speak truthfully to you all right now about the reality of the matter. Maybe this will help someone, I am not sure..maybe you will help me. I dont know, but I just feel a great need to speak my thoughts uncensored.

Ever since I was a child, for some reason that I am not sure of..I have always longed for and desired attention.Particularly from the opposite sex. Now, I'm not sure exactly what that is..I can not really pin point a defining moment in my life where this feeling was evident. Its just with my current reeks of this.

I am not close with my Dad, never have been. Am not close with any males in my family. When I was in school, I was the "weird girl" that guys didnt like and no matter how hard I tried...I was still weird to everyone.

It was not until I turned 17 that I suddenly became a very beautiful woman..that brought me attention I was not used to. On the outside I was very beautiful..but on the inside...I was still the same. I still am. Dying for attention, hates rejection, hates being abandoned will do almost anything for the man in my life to notice me and not leave me. Dont get me wrong...I dont care about ALL men..I just care about who I deeply love. Which right now, is my boyfriend who I have been with for over a year.

I grew up with a mother who suffered depression, a brother who had depression, and a dad who was emotionally absent. My brother eventually went off the rails...which sent my mother into a deeper depression which brought on suicide attempts..each of those times, I would be the one to find her, wondering whether she was alive or not.

For most of my life, I have struggled with loving myself..I have struggled with my emotions.....

Amazingly enough, while things were going on with my mother, I managed to cope and not appear to have a deep depression. Maybe it was just the grace of God and that survival instinct kicking in. I took on the saviour role in the family, looking after my mother.

Since I have moved to college in the dorm...things have gone downhill for me. I started with violent outbursts when I would be upset...I would throw things,cuss,pull my hair, scratch myself and I eventually got into the habit of cutting myself.

I would be easily set off. Anytime when I didnt feel like I had the attention I wanted...I would do all these things, I guess in a hope for attention and also because I just didnt know how to express what I was feeling. I was never taught to cope. I was and am a person who runs on what I FEEL. Dangerous.

Whenever I would become frustrated, I would do crazy things for attention.

Once I came back to reality..I would feel so shameful..and feel like a freak.

My boyfriend, for some reason..still tells me how much he loves and and wants to be there for me..I have been blessed with a godly, forgiving man who loves me even in my ugliest moments.

I went from being a person who loved being with a person who will avoid being anywhere where there is people, except at church. This is hard considering as I live in a dorm. I dont really socialise with anyone here. Maybe a couple of people here and there...but other than that I avoid social situations because I feel intimidated,judged,paranoid and like a freak.

Thanks be to God, I stopped cutting myself eventually...but now I have become a nail biter which has been getting worse.

My thoughts of suicide have become worse...wanting to kill myself...overwhelming feelings of hopelessness....unworthiness...loneliness...hatred...everything...
Suddenly the thought of suicide doesnt seem so hard or daunting.

I tried to overdose on pain killers, was taken to the hospital..thanks be to God..apparently taking 6 wasnt enough to need medical attention..

Since then, whenever i am slightly upset by anything..or by my thoughts..i think of suicide. I look outside my window and thought of jumping...but instead..I broke a piece of glass outside my window...why I did that..I couldnt tell you now.

I am getting to the point where I am really feeling like I am loosing my mind. I am so driven by my feelings...which change like the wind...its destroying me.

How did I become this way? Incase you havent noticed, I am a Christian and consider myself to be quite a strong Christian. I am in at bible college...all the rest. Have preached. Done the whole thing.
I am very devouted to God. He has been and always will be my saving grace.

The problem is, I have been doing the wrong thing for quite some time. I wont go into details...but I have not obedied God in keeping myself pure. I have allowed passion to override what is right before God.
As this has gone mental state has gone on with it.
Because of my sin (wrong doings) it has affected my relationship with God and stopped me from living the best life I can.

Til this day, I have not been able to stop.

I guess my point to all this is.

I am a Christian, studying in bible college being trained to be a leader in the church...and I am far from perfect. I am in need of healing myself. I am so aware of my weakness....

Thanks be to God, who gives me the drive and tiny bit of strength to fight for my mind.

Ya'll gotta know this. I'm not trying to preach to you...preaching doesnt even work on ME. All I know is this..the only thing that is gonna cure me is Jesus Christ.

Forgiving those who have hurt me. So that I may be forgiven for the wrong I have done. Forgiveness is the most powerful tool we have as human beings. It sets us free.

And living my life the way God, my Creator designed for me to live.

I have not slept all night..been struggling with suicide...maybe this makes no sense at all...

God have mercy.

I have no clarity, no peace. All I do know is, God is the only one who can save any of us.
[QUOTE=Baby_hands;3289197]I just wanted to update since I made this post.

Today I went to see the doctor and I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, also underlying anxiety and OCD (biting my nails and picking at my hands).

I have been given a medication and am actually excited about taking it...because I have been told by my doctor I should be 80% better in 6 weeks.
I am so looking forward to just living a normal life...laughing...waking up without constant gloom...*sigh* I just cant wait to think normally.

I just wish it would work sooner.. be he said i should notice a difference in a couple of weeks.

Right now I feel weak,low and sensitive...but I have hope which was something I didnt really have before. Because I had been trying to cope with something that I needed medication for. Its like telling a diabetic to stop taking medication because "God should heal you". I realised it doesnt always work this way.

Unfortunately not everyone is as understanding as I wish. Alot of people still have this idea of.."Just think positive.." or.." Dont go by your feelings" and well, you probably know the rest. It made life much harder. Because there was always this wall that prevented those things from lasting longer than a couple of days at best..

I do have a question..
I dont know whether this is just me in the mindset of something with depression..or what..

There have been times when I have felt that I really needed my boyfriend with me and sometimes he will say "I cant be there for you right now, just know that I love you and will be praying for you..because I am struggling as well and I need to get strong as well."

At times that as made me frustrated..because I have always thought "I'm the one with clinical depression..the one who struggles with suicide..I felt completley alone.." and in a sense, I want him to drop everything for me.

What do you think about all this?
Should he drop everything for me?[/QUOTE]

Hi Baby_Hands, Glad that you posted. We were worried and wondered what happen to you and I am so glad that you saw a doctor. I also have struggled with depression and sought out treatment for that about 8 years before I was diagnosed with borderline.

I only base my response to your post on my own personal experiences. I am not a healthcare professional and i don't know all the answers and I don't mean to sound like a know it all.

In my humble opinion, if the OCD diagnosis is based on fingernail biting, I would have to disagree. Biting your nails down to the quick can also be considered self-harming behavior because it is painful. I have known OC people, and they tend to be rigid, perfectionistic, driven. From your first post and your fear of abandonment, your symptoms are classic BPD. What medications did your doctor put you on.

I know what you mean about people not being understanding about depression or supportive of antidepressant medication. It is something that i keep confidential unless I know it will help someone else to tell my story. I have been told to buck up, stop crying, etc when I was in the pit of depression and could not climb out, it felt like there were muddy walls all around the pit and it was overwhelming. I have to stay away from that pit. There is mud around the top of it with straw on top and I can slip and fall in if i get to close. Once in, it is so hard to get out of, it is easier to stay away from it. To be aware. I haven't been in that pit in quite awhile and I know the meds have helped with that. I also have to take a mood stabilizer though, because I can get manic too. I struggled mostly with depression though.

In regards to your boyfriend, I would give him some space. We all need time to ourselves and for our individual interests and friendships and family. It is exhausting to deal with a person who has deep emotional and mental issues, especially someone with untreated bpd. Depression is self anger and self obsession. It is all about me me me. Do you show interest in his life, asking him how is day was and how he is doing? He is there for you, but he can't fix you and can only take so much. He cannot meet all your needs. Try to let this go, when the fear creeps in, pray about it and let it go. Focus on your school work and interests, get some exercise, read a book. You need your own life. If you build it around him, he will fail you because he is human and also you don't want to smother him. If he did leave you, you would live, you would go on with your life. I have been there and it wasn't until i learned to stand on my own 2 feet that I quit trying to seek happiness and validation from a man.

I think the antidepressant will be really good for you. And if you have side effects, which many of us do, there are many different ones you can try. It took quite a few before my doctor and I found one that I could tolerate.

Keep the faith that the depression will lift. Take it one day at a time. And I hope that you will have counseling too. It helped me so much.


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