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Things have taken a pretty bad turn for the worst.

I am not sure whether I have BPD or just depression..but I do greatly identify with alot of the BPD symptoms.

I have been on a slow descent into madness..and I want to speak truthfully to you all right now about the reality of the matter. Maybe this will help someone, I am not sure..maybe you will help me. I dont know, but I just feel a great need to speak my thoughts uncensored.

Ever since I was a child, for some reason that I am not sure of..I have always longed for and desired attention.Particularly from the opposite sex. Now, I'm not sure exactly what that is..I can not really pin point a defining moment in my life where this feeling was evident. Its just with my current reeks of this.

I am not close with my Dad, never have been. Am not close with any males in my family. When I was in school, I was the "weird girl" that guys didnt like and no matter how hard I tried...I was still weird to everyone.

It was not until I turned 17 that I suddenly became a very beautiful woman..that brought me attention I was not used to. On the outside I was very beautiful..but on the inside...I was still the same. I still am. Dying for attention, hates rejection, hates being abandoned will do almost anything for the man in my life to notice me and not leave me. Dont get me wrong...I dont care about ALL men..I just care about who I deeply love. Which right now, is my boyfriend who I have been with for over a year.

I grew up with a mother who suffered depression, a brother who had depression, and a dad who was emotionally absent. My brother eventually went off the rails...which sent my mother into a deeper depression which brought on suicide attempts..each of those times, I would be the one to find her, wondering whether she was alive or not.

For most of my life, I have struggled with loving myself..I have struggled with my emotions.....

Amazingly enough, while things were going on with my mother, I managed to cope and not appear to have a deep depression. Maybe it was just the grace of God and that survival instinct kicking in. I took on the saviour role in the family, looking after my mother.

Since I have moved to college in the dorm...things have gone downhill for me. I started with violent outbursts when I would be upset...I would throw things,cuss,pull my hair, scratch myself and I eventually got into the habit of cutting myself.

I would be easily set off. Anytime when I didnt feel like I had the attention I wanted...I would do all these things, I guess in a hope for attention and also because I just didnt know how to express what I was feeling. I was never taught to cope. I was and am a person who runs on what I FEEL. Dangerous.

Whenever I would become frustrated, I would do crazy things for attention.

Once I came back to reality..I would feel so shameful..and feel like a freak.

My boyfriend, for some reason..still tells me how much he loves and and wants to be there for me..I have been blessed with a godly, forgiving man who loves me even in my ugliest moments.

I went from being a person who loved being with a person who will avoid being anywhere where there is people, except at church. This is hard considering as I live in a dorm. I dont really socialise with anyone here. Maybe a couple of people here and there...but other than that I avoid social situations because I feel intimidated,judged,paranoid and like a freak.

Thanks be to God, I stopped cutting myself eventually...but now I have become a nail biter which has been getting worse.

My thoughts of suicide have become worse...wanting to kill myself...overwhelming feelings of hopelessness....unworthiness...loneliness...hatred...everything...
Suddenly the thought of suicide doesnt seem so hard or daunting.

I tried to overdose on pain killers, was taken to the hospital..thanks be to God..apparently taking 6 wasnt enough to need medical attention..

Since then, whenever i am slightly upset by anything..or by my thoughts..i think of suicide. I look outside my window and thought of jumping...but instead..I broke a piece of glass outside my window...why I did that..I couldnt tell you now.

I am getting to the point where I am really feeling like I am loosing my mind. I am so driven by my feelings...which change like the wind...its destroying me.

How did I become this way? Incase you havent noticed, I am a Christian and consider myself to be quite a strong Christian. I am in at bible college...all the rest. Have preached. Done the whole thing.
I am very devouted to God. He has been and always will be my saving grace.

The problem is, I have been doing the wrong thing for quite some time. I wont go into details...but I have not obedied God in keeping myself pure. I have allowed passion to override what is right before God.
As this has gone mental state has gone on with it.
Because of my sin (wrong doings) it has affected my relationship with God and stopped me from living the best life I can.

Til this day, I have not been able to stop.

I guess my point to all this is.

I am a Christian, studying in bible college being trained to be a leader in the church...and I am far from perfect. I am in need of healing myself. I am so aware of my weakness....

Thanks be to God, who gives me the drive and tiny bit of strength to fight for my mind.

Ya'll gotta know this. I'm not trying to preach to you...preaching doesnt even work on ME. All I know is this..the only thing that is gonna cure me is Jesus Christ.

Forgiving those who have hurt me. So that I may be forgiven for the wrong I have done. Forgiveness is the most powerful tool we have as human beings. It sets us free.

And living my life the way God, my Creator designed for me to live.

I have not slept all night..been struggling with suicide...maybe this makes no sense at all...

God have mercy.

I have no clarity, no peace. All I do know is, God is the only one who can save any of us.

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