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Re: Where I am at
Nov 8, 2007
Meds never help me ever, tried just about everything. At first I was given throazine 100 mg, I took one every hour till I claim down. After the 2nd one, I could not get upset over anything then. After a while I learn to control it out with that, as it had some bad stuff with it as well.

First I believe your doctor was right, I can tell you what I feel is why your having these problem so much. First you should know that talking about your problems, is a very hard thing to do in fact it's down right hard on you. Your feeling confused as well I'm sure, I had a very smart therapist tell me one time.

After telling him I was confused, about what he was telling me as he said stuff at odds. With what he told me before, he started moving away and turn back and said with a smile. Well being confused is a good thing tim, it means your thinking and if your thinking. That means your working things through, he also was the one that told me one time.

After telling him about how bad things was going for me, he said if you can remember one thing. You will be able to get through the worst every time, he said you just have to remind your self. That this to will pass, that it can not stay that bad for ever. You know I remembered that every time, when things get really bad for me, it has always help me get through them.

Anyway back to what is going on with you, your are finally starting to look at your problems. That is a good thing even if it don't feel like it right now, the only way to deal with your problems. Is if you take one at a time, spend what ever time you need to work through it. You need to ask your self some stuff about it, like let looks at what you going through right now.

Why are you hurting so much, what thinking are you having that doing that to you. Do you really want to work through it, why does it make you so confused. What do you have to do to work through it, why do you feel the need to run from it. Do other people have the same problem, what have they done to work through it. Can you learn from what they went through, and what needs do you need to meet to work through it the right way.

I can tell you what I know about me, and what I learn about others but that will do little for you. You must work through it your self, or it will help you very little. You will likely find you are trying to run from the hurt you are feeling, but the fact of the matter is it's normal for borderlines where you are now. Facing your problems, and knowing you made them is going to hurt you at first.

But I'm sure you will find that once you face them, and work through it you'll be able to forgive your self, and then the hurt goes away just as fast. I'll show you how, it worked for me about getting upset and losing control. It should help you under stand, that you are not alone and that this will pass for you as well.

When I first moved in with my girl friend, she would start with me and would not stop. She would even stop me from going for a walk to cool down, then I lost control and punched her in the face. I felt really bad and it hurt me to do such a thing, I remembered how my dad hit my mom, and how bad that was for her. But my girl friend said that she forgive me, and acted like it was ok but it was not ok with me.

I started working through it, I found that it was me wanting to control things to not lose control. The more tried to keep my self from losing control, the worst I felt and the more I lost control. So I thought about it more, and found that I would not let my self get upset even. Other people got upset, but of course they did not punch people they cared about in the face.

I also looked at why my girl friend would not stop, even though she could see I was clearly getting upset. I found that it was because she got hurt, she then would just keep trying to stop her pain. And she wanted to get control of it, she was willing to take a punch in the face. Because it give her control so it did not bother her much, she thought it was a small price to pay for it.

So now to fixing the problem, as I said it did not bother her that much. But it bother me a lot, and then I would let her have control because of that. So the first thing I did to fix it, was to tell her that if I lost control again and hit her. I would turn my self in to the cops, because it was very wrong for me, and I would not let my self keep doing it. And if she cared about me and her, she would try to walk away, and let me walk away when I needed to.

So the next time I got upset with her, I told her look I'm very upset and I'm not blaming anyone for it. And that I have a right to get upset, and that I needed to go cool down. And she needed to let me go do that, well you know I felt pretty good. For the first time ever in my life, I let my self get upset with out fighting it. And I never hit her again, I have smashed a few things after that.

But I even stop doing that after a while, very odd that a person would not let them selfs get upset. But it's true I would not before that, I was so worried about getting upset and losing control. I can tell you it was not easy, for me to admit all this and work through it. It hurt me pretty bad at first, but I thought it hurt me worst to hit her. But it stop hurting me after I forgave my self, so it was well worth the pain to work through it right.

Remember you can not run from your self, that a fact you are dealing with right now. That is why your feeling so much pain, and your mind keeps racing on you. And any therapist or doctors are not there to work through it for you, that would never last very long at all. They are there to help you work through your problems, to help you help your self is what they are there for.

There are many people in the mental heath system, that they can not help them help them selfs. They never really get better, the therapist must work through their problems for them. The same ones over and over again, they never seem to learn how to help them selfs ever. That not what you need or want, you want help learning to help your self. Then after they help you learn that, you can keep helping your self with out their help.

I hope this make sense to you, I've been where you are and if you let them help you, to work through this stuff your self. Things will start getting better slowly, work on one thing at a time and don't think, meds will do what you will not do for your self. Meds at best help you help your self, as my one doctor told me. They have no magic wand to use on you, to make your problems go away, they wish they did he said.

Also forget your labels, they mean nothing really. You are the same person, with the same problems as you was before the labels. You work them through the same way, to many people get hung up on their labels. That only keeps you from working through your problems, you are not a label your are a human being. If you think about it, normal people have many of the same problems. Only they have them much less, and they get through them fast.
Re: Where I am at
Nov 10, 2007

I was taken off of Lithium maybe three or four weeks ago - 1050mg to 700 to 350 over a two week period. Before I went into the hospital my level had been high for I think four months period, my therory is I dropped 60 plus pounds in a short period 260 plus to 200 now. My doctor kept having me retested refusing to believe what he read - same doctor I had in the hospital.

I liked the way it kept me at a pretty level pace and I have really noticed it when away but the doctor wants to see how Nardil acts on its own then decide whether or not I need to go back on it or something like.

Lithium darkside if you will had me with a constant tremor that would spread throughout my body as the day progressed to the point I had difficulty getting down the stairs at night.

The day of my last appointment I said I was loosing or lost control. I pulled up one sleeve up to my elbow and it was a complete mess doctor had asked once before in two years to see the marks and I had never voluntarily showed them before. I was admitted within a couple of hours and would have been sooner but for whatever the reason I decided not to stick around his office but went home then realized I should have remained so I called them back told him to report to the hospital immediately, packed some stuff up, left a reason of absence on this site ..... they tend to worry if I am not around for a couple of days, then went in. Once in my doctor took me off all of my other meds (except Temazapam) within a two week period - Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron - I had to be certain drug free for two weeks before Nardil could be started. Lithium was suppose to be stopped during my first week but between the nurses and myself convinced him otherwise to delay a couple of weeks. Seroquel was added when Lithium was stopped and after Ativan proved useless ( middle of an urge I caused three marks that will take a very long time to go away if ever with the patient ID bracelet). I have not made a actual suicide attempt in years but tend to walk a very fine line with self harm where it does not seem to bother me if I went too far if that makes any sense

As far as Nardil working I can't seem to stay in one state long enough to figure it out on its effectiveness. If I had to guess I would say its doing nothing

take care

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